Venting its not worth it

[_Minsk]

its not worth it at all.. life is just not for me..
im too sensitive, i can't cope with life's daily struggles..
the part of me who wants ctb so badly..

and the part who is believing things might get better,..
both are fighting in me,.. but im too tired of it all, i just want to leave it all..
life is so traumatic, i feel like walking on tiny glass shards..
i've given so much, way to much, i feel so burned out and empty..

i miss the old time, i had dreams but life has shattered all of them..

i've become so numb and cold.. i wish i weren't this way, but its the only way for me to function.
in this world is no place for people like me.

this society only wants people who are capable of function under massive amounts of pressure,
its not a big deal if someone burns out, people are easily replaceable. there are a plenty of other ones who
are desperate to find a low wage job.
i could continue this way, sacrifice myself and ctb in max 1 year, or i just bring it on earlier.
it wouldn't make any difference either. except of the fact that i could save myself another year of suffering
and hilariously painful surprises.

waking up and working around people who are enjoying life, having it all or at least seem so is absolutely horrible.
it makes me wonder what actually must be wrong with me. i dont know. maybe some are capable of coping better,
adapting easier and not having to deal with depression or other horrible stuff in their lifes. maybe they are more fortune,
whatever it is, it makes me feel like being in an alternative dimension. like being stuck in hell, while others next to you
are in heaven, at least thats how it feels for me..

i know this is pathetic, im sorry for another vent but im totally unhappy with this kind of life. its a horrible..

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

I know how you're feeling. It's like the world wasn't made for everyone. Life is just a pain. I don't know how it'd be possible to endure it for several decades of years.

 

[maru.]

the part of me who wants ctb so badly..

and the part who is believing things might get better,..
both are fighting in me,.. but im too tired of it all, i just want to leave it all..

I think a lot of people here have that struggle, and we are in a site like this because in the end, it's a very one-sided battle.
The side that wants to live is like: "If i put a lot of effort into things, suffer a lot in the proccess, maybe, just maybe, perhaps, i don't know, life could be kind of ok...".
The side that wants to die is like: "OMGJUSTKILLMENOWIT"STHEONLYTHINGTHATCOULDRELIEVEMYPAINANDSUFFERINGICANTDOTHISANYMORE".
So yeah, not a very fair fight, and it's why the desire to ctb can be so seductive, it's just, well, i wouldn't say "easy", but it's more simple and, above all, certain.

i miss the old time, i had dreams but life has shattered all of them..

The innocence of childhood really is a bliss, the ignorance, the lack of responsibilities, the fact tha absolutely nothing is serious, nothing matters, no consequences.
Of course, not everyone has the luck of having a good childhood, which is a shame, because it really just gets worse after it.

this society only wants people who are capable of function under massive amounts of pressure,
its not a big deal if someone burns out, people are easily replaceable. there are a plenty of other ones who
are desperate to find a low wage job.

Because of the pandemic, and the economical collapse we're kind of going through, a lot of people (including my family) are having trouble paying for college.
So, we formed a group with a lot of students and parents, to lower the monthly fees, because the whole world is making way less money, we can't pay the same.
The college won't give in, one mother in particular sent an e-mail saying that she would have to get her daughter of the college if they didn't lower the fees.
They sent her the papers to confirm that her daughter would quit, just like that, pretty much saying, "ok, quit.", no empathy at all.
A friend of mine said day one, "they don't care. they can do whatever they want, cuz: you don't like it? you don't want it? well, someone else does."
Either you're strong, productive, outgoing, efficient and willing to do with a lot of crap in life, or you're just discarded by the world.
It's truly one of the hardest things to accept when growing up, accepting that you're not special, that some people live and die miserable, and you could too.

waking up and working around people who are enjoying life, having it all or at least seem so is absolutely horrible.
it makes me wonder what actually must be wrong with me. i dont know. maybe some are capable of coping better,
adapting easier and not having to deal with depression or other horrible stuff in their lifes. maybe they are more fortune,
whatever it is, it makes me feel like being in an alternative dimension. like being stuck in hell, while others next to you
are in heaven, at least thats how it feels for me..

I don't know if it's hormones, neurotransmiters, or whatever, but it really is night and day between us and the average human being.
It's not even a matter of thinking different things, it's like, our very way of thinking is different, our brains work different.
Still, just like you, there was a point i was just happy and normal, did i change? or did the circumstances around me change? i think it's the latter.
Like you, i don't know if some people just cope better, have more healthy brains, or whatever, idk.
I wish i did tho, maybe i could fix things somehow if i did.
Maybe it's the hormones and neurotransmiters afterall, but i can't go to a therapist or psyquiatris right now tho, wish i could.
Still, it's a possibility, if you have access to those things at the moment, i would look into it.

i know this is pathetic, im sorry for another vent but im totally unhappy with this kind of life. its a horrible..

Literally everyone here is miserable and vents all of the time about it so we don't go insane.
No one will think it's pathetic, because it isn't, expressing yourself is a form of therapy on itself, and it can help you understand yourself better.
That self understanding can be helpful to find what exactly is wrong with your life and yourself, so don't feel pathetic, feel proud that you can open up like this.
You're not alone.

 

[RayoSinSol]

I'm just so motherfucking scared of the unknown. But this world...I have seen this world and I know I don't feel part of it at all.

It hurts so much more to see so many people flourishing in a world that I can't function in. I know how you feel, and it makes me just want to close my eyes and never open them.

If only I could just induce a coma.

 

[Meowkin]

its not worth it at all.. life is just not for me..
im too sensitive, i can't cope with life's daily struggles..
the part of me who wants ctb so badly..

and the part who is believing things might get better,..
both are fighting in me,.. but im too tired of it all, i just want to leave it all..
life is so traumatic, i feel like walking on tiny glass shards..
i've given so much, way to much, i feel so burned out and empty..

i miss the old time, i had dreams but life has shattered all of them..

i've become so numb and cold.. i wish i weren't this way, but its the only way for me to function.
in this world is no place for people like me.

this society only wants people who are capable of function under massive amounts of pressure,
its not a big deal if someone burns out, people are easily replaceable. there are a plenty of other ones who
are desperate to find a low wage job.
i could continue this way, sacrifice myself and ctb in max 1 year, or i just bring it on earlier.
it wouldn't make any difference either. except of the fact that i could save myself another year of suffering
and hilariously painful surprises.

waking up and working around people who are enjoying life, having it all or at least seem so is absolutely horrible.
it makes me wonder what actually must be wrong with me. i dont know. maybe some are capable of coping better,
adapting easier and not having to deal with depression or other horrible stuff in their lifes. maybe they are more fortune,
whatever it is, it makes me feel like being in an alternative dimension. like being stuck in hell, while others next to you
are in heaven, at least thats how it feels for me..

i know this is pathetic, im sorry for another vent but im totally unhappy with this kind of life. its a horrible..

I'm sorry. It's hard feeling that you're the odd one out. It's understandable that you're hurt by it.

 

[madbananas]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can really relate. I don't feel equipped for today's society. But then I look at todays society and think yes it would make life easier to not be so sensitive, but society is so unhealthy that being adapted to it would just mean I'm more brainwashed than I am now.
It is a horrible feeling though and I often also don't feel it is worth it. I'm stuck between wanting to die and just wanting to be able to sleep forever.
This site has been great for feeling understood because no one around me understands. People in my life act like they do, but are just basically using me as a way to boost their ego through "kindness" based on selfishness. Their true colours always show sooner or later.
Hope you're finding this site a useful place to vent.

 

[Bct]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I also feel I'm not well-equipped for this world, because my anxiety basically consumes me. It's so hard to do well at job.

On the other hand, I haven't tried to do a therapy, so I still have a glimmer of hope. But seeing some members here (and other places) still can't get better despite years of therapy, I'm skeptical if therapies will make me better.

 

[maru.]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I also feel I'm not well-equipped for this world, because my anxiety basically consumes me. It's so hard to do well at job.

On the other hand, I haven't tried to do a therapy, so I still have a glimmer of hope. But seeing some members here (and other places) still can't get better despite years of therapy, I'm skeptical if therapies will make me better.

Everyone's experiences are different, i'd say giving therapy a shot could be worth it, especially because, well, there's nothing to lose in this situation, so go for it.
You could be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Bct]

Everyone's experiences are different, i'd say giving therapy a shot could be worth it, especially because, well, there's nothing to lose in this situation, so go for it.
You could be pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, I admit my skepticism plays some part in avoiding therapy. I've tried some online consultations but those are only about some baseless positive thinking which I don't need.

Honestly had considered to do some therapies but the pandemic spread so it's hard to do a face-to-face consultation, and now I'm also broke since my Aprils's wage hasn't been paid (and possibly won't get it).

 

[maru.]

Yeah, I admit my skepticism plays some part in avoiding therapy. I've tried some online consultations but those are only about some baseless positive thinking which I don't need.

I agree, real therapy could definitely be way more useful, maybe this does help someone, but it never looked very good to me.

Honestly had considered to do some therapies but the pandemic spread so it's hard to do a face-to-face consultation, and now I'm also broke since my Aprils's wage hasn't been paid (and possibly won't get it).

I'm on a similar boat, the pandemic really screwed everything up, but if you make it through and things go back to normal, i'd suggest looking into it, if possible.

 

[Bct]

I agree, real therapy could definitely be way more useful, maybe this does help someone, but it never looked very good to me.

I'm on a similar boat, the pandemic really screwed everything up, but if you make it through and things go back to normal, i'd suggest looking into it, if possible.

I'm afraid I won't find a therapist that matches. I'm afraid after years of therapies with one that match, there is little to none progress so I'm just wasting my time and money. Sorry for venting like this and drifting this thread from the initial topic.

 

[maru.]

I'm afraid I won't find a therapist that matches. I'm afraid after years of therapies with one that match, there is little to none progress so I'm just wasting my time and money. Sorry for venting like this and drifting this thread from the initial topic.

I understand your concerns, it's just that, the way i see it is, we're all already on a suicide forum, we don't have much to lose by trying, but there is much to be won.

It's ok to vent, it's a form of therapy tbh.

 

[_Minsk]

I'm afraid I won't find a therapist that matches. I'm afraid after years of therapies with one that match, there is little to none progress so I'm just wasting my time and money. Sorry for venting like this and drifting this thread from the initial topic.

same,
i've even tried it, but it didn't helped me.

thats why im here, this forum helped me more than my therapy or any therapist, i can talk freely about what's really going and what depresses me,
without fearing to get locked up because i mentioned anything related to ctb. people really care, support and show love here.

its just my experience, friends of me tried it too, none of them were magically cured unfortunately:/,
i was worse of at the end and had more mood swings than before due to their meds and side effects, not to mention the withdrawals x3

maybe it helps some but i gave up on this, my last try will be ayahuasca which is a completely different approach,
i don't expect much but it might be worth a last try.

 

[Bct]

same,
i've even tried it, but it didn't helped me.

thats why im here, this forum helped me more than my therapy or any therapist, i can talk freely about what's really going and what depresses me,
without fearing to get locked up because i mentioned anything related to ctb. people really care, support and show love here.

its just my experience, friends of me tried it too, none of them were magically cured unfortunately:/,
i was worse of at the end and had more mood swings than before due to their meds and side effects, not to mention the withdrawals x3

maybe it helps some but i gave up on this, my last try will be ayahuasca which is a completely different approach,
i don't expect much but it might be worth a last try.

Sorry that didn't work for you and your friends, especially about side effects of the meds. Glad at least you could find a safe space to talk here.

Currently I'm living in another city, and due to COVID perhaps I need to find another job. So I couldn't start therapy unless I'm already sure in which I'm going to work.

Good luck with ayahuasca, hopefully it can make you better.