Discussion "It's not that I don't want to be like you..."

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

When someone successfully 'summons' (I'm not a fan of the word 'catch' — this post explains it) the bus, he/she gets slapped with all sorts of derogatory labels. 'Cowards who gave up before their time was due', 'ingrates who throw God's gift back in His face' and most of all, 'mentally unstable and not of sound mind'. A while back, I would have been rabid at the outrage, at their (so-called 'normies', but since it's just a handful of them I won't use the term here) callousness and lack of empathy. But over time it slowly came to me that their attempts to blow themselves up is just an excuse to distract themselves from the fact that they're secretly 'jealous' of those that are already on the way. Even though they don't show it, they wish the 'bus' would 'wait for them'. Call it 'schadenfreude', but I take comfort in knowing that the more desperate they are to shove their wayward feelings under the rug, the more the hole in their heart widens. Then they start asking questions they've never asked before.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I've never thought people who committed suicide were weak. Maybe some who were strange—people who commit suicide for unusual reasons I can't relate to.

The one thing that I finally understand is the pain that leads one to commit suicide. I get it now.

I get it so viscerally that if by some miracle, all my problems were resolved, I'd immediately start the application process for a shotgun and move to a place that offers assisted suicide. Because I understand how terrible and cruel suffering can be.

Does that make any sense?

That even things were perfect and I were healed, I would prepare for the worst case scenario, because I've tasted the bitter waters of Hell. I know what's lurking four feet underneath all our lives.

I'm not as suicidal now, but I have some kind of existential trauma from how much I've suffered. I feel it in my soul. Like all the fight was taken out of me.

The prospect of meeting another tragedy like that even decades down the road is horrifying.

 

[descartes]

I've never thought people who committed suicide were weak. Maybe some who were strange—people who commit suicide for unusual reasons I can't relate to.

The one thing that I finally understand is the pain that leads one to commit suicide. I get it now.

I get it so viscerally that if by some miracle, all my problems were resolved, I'd immediately start the application process for a shotgun and move to a place that offers assisted suicide. Because I understand how terrible and cruel suffering can be.

Does that make any sense?

That even things were perfect and I were healed, I would prepare for the worst case scenario, because I've tasted the bitter waters of Hell. I know what's lurking four feet underneath all our lives.

I'm not as suicidal now, but I have some kind of existential trauma from how much I've suffered. I feel it in my soul. Like all the fight was taken out of me.

The prospect of meeting another tragedy like that even decades down the road is horrifying.

This is how I feel right now and it is horrible. I cannot possibly explain to anyone noone understands about the amount of pain that I'm in and how there is no point of building my life up because of how much pain I'm I I can't love like this it is horrible. I cant6eat I can't sleep I can't interact with people normally it's so horrible.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Does that make any sense?

That even things were perfect and I were healed, I would prepare for the worst case scenario, because I've tasted the bitter waters of Hell. I know what's lurking four feet underneath all our lives.

I'm not as suicidal now, but I have some kind of existential trauma from how much I've suffered. I feel it in my soul. Like all the fight was taken out of me.

The prospect of meeting another tragedy like that even decades down the road is horrifying.

I can relate. Even when I'm in remission, doing the things I love doesn't feel the same as before. For the most part, obligation, rather than genuine interest, is the motivation to do things. As my body will slowly and surely deteriorate, I am less than keen to 'live to a ripe old age' and 'die a natural death'. CTB has become my contingency plan for anything that goes wrong with life.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've been called a coward so many times for wanting to ctb!
If that's the case, I'm proudly a coward. A coward who's realized doesn't make any sense and wanna "leave" this world asap in order to be AT PEACE.

 

[the_final_countdown]

Even when I'm in remission, doing the things I love doesn't feel the same as before. For the most part, obligation, rather than genuine interest, is the motivation to do things. As my body will slowly and surely deteriorate, I am less than keen to 'live to a ripe old age' and 'die a natural death'. CTB has become my contingency plan for anything that goes wrong with life.

I feel the same way. You describe it so well. Obligation rather than ambition or genuine interest fuels my life.

I dream of events that shorten the lifespan. Cancer. Maybe a car accident.

My soul is exhausted. It is, it is.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I've never thought people who committed suicide were weak. Maybe some who were strange—people who commit suicide for unusual reasons I can't relate to.

The one thing that I finally understand is the pain that leads one to commit suicide. I get it now.

I get it so viscerally that if by some miracle, all my problems were resolved, I'd immediately start the application process for a shotgun and move to a place that offers assisted suicide. Because I understand how terrible and cruel suffering can be.

Does that make any sense?

That even things were perfect and I were healed, I would prepare for the worst case scenario, because I've tasted the bitter waters of Hell. I know what's lurking four feet underneath all our lives.

I'm not as suicidal now, but I have some kind of existential trauma from how much I've suffered. I feel it in my soul. Like all the fight was taken out of me.

The prospect of meeting another tragedy like that even decades down the road is horrifying.

100% Agreed. Beautiful words... that's exactly how I feel. Everyday I'm in a mental battle between "should I work on this plan to possibly better my life, or should I instead spend my time planning my way out, but haven't I done that before this entire time? Didn't seem to work. Maybe I should just continue on with trying something...but then, I don't want to live a long life and face so much heartache and failure and rejection through it again"... everyday I go back and forth, and I'm wasting my time because I'm too terrified to use methods like jumping that would probably actually work (with my luck it won't and I'll end up a conscious vegetable). So the more time I contemplate and wallow, the less time I have to reach any goal at all. But what's the point? Life is life, it will always be filled with suffering and guilt no matter what. Everyday I feel like I'm in a prison and am being forced to do things I don't want to do, either do it or end up homeless and suffering on the street. I am a prisoner in this world and I'm totally stuck. I've tried to ctb for YEARS, so many times I lost count. Ingesting poisons and hanging just don't work for me, I don't know what to do... Oh how I wish I could be given the gift of euthanasia, I desperately don't want to be here, and I've said and felt this since I was a small toddler.

because I've tasted the bitter waters of Hell. I know what's lurking four feet underneath all our lives.

This resonates so deeply with me.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I used to think suicide was cowardly myself. But ever since I first attempted last year, I realise suicide takes courage - a hell lot of it, at that. You need to work up the courage to find a reliable method; plan a date; ignore the naysayers that say you're selfish; figure out what you want to do before you die (within reason); come to terms with the fact that one you're gone, you can't ever return; if you're gonna write a note or essay, what it'll say; deal with feeling guilt over wanting to die to begin with...it's pretty courageous of a person to still want to die after all that jazz.

 

[BandAddict]

I honestly don't see myself as fit for life. People can call me lazy, selfish, dramatic, cowardly, or whatever the fuck. The fact is, I want so badly to do well. I want so badly to show everyone that I'm capable, and willing, and someone they can be proud of. But I don't think I can ever be that.

I hurt, and I feel like fear is keeping me here to endure this pain every day. Fear of death and throwing it all away for good, and the fear of dumping pain onto others. I wish I could be snuffed out of existence instead, so that it wasn't so hard to fucking decide and be done with it. I feel so tired all the time. I push on and try to do shit and am making what might be my last attempt to get help, but, fuck, I feel like it's a waste of time. No one can make me forget, or fix my body. I just don't see the point. I wish people could understand that.