It's not getting better

[ForeverCaHa]

It's been a while since I've posted on here.

I was discharged from the psych ward about two months ago, and since then the support I was promised has been some random woman coming to see me for 20 minutes or so every other week. The crisis team decided I was fine after two visits. I'm still on medication, but this week I haven't been given my anti-depressants because the GP is waiting for the results of a blood test. I don't know how long it will be before I get a fresh prescription. Going cold turkey on them after almost 7 months definitely isn't going to be good. I'm scared about what kind of effects it may have. I at least have my evening medication, so I should be able to force myself to sleep.

In a tiny bit of brighter news I got a dog after my release. A tiny little puppy (picture included for tax reasons). He's making his way through his nightly peanut butter rations by my side as I write this. He's an arsehole, but I love him to bits. At the same time, though, part of me resents him. If I had never got him I would be free to go through with my plans. I've basically just tricked myself into staying alive a bit longer. I don't know how long he will be able to keep me above water though. The urges haven't subsided in any meaningful way. A few days ago I ordered a rope from Amazon, but cancelled the order when the pup started whining in his sleep.

I'm trying to make plans for the future. I've booked some trips, returned to my PhD... But the prospect of travel no longer excites me, and I feel like I've been out of my PhD for so long now that I can't even remember why I applied to it in the first place. Everything has lost its meaning.

Tomorrow should be my partner's birthday. I'm dreading waking up. He felt sad on his birthday last year. I just wish I had done more for him then. Everything's messed up, it still doesn't feel real.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey. So glad to hear from you.
Last time I did you were in the psych, and with very vocal plans to ctb as soon as you were let out. So I feared that had been the case.
What I did not expect was
a puppy
And indeed a very cute one. Is his name giovanni? If so it makes sense he is somewhat of an arsehole, that's a bit of an arsehole name, fits him. But yeah he also looks incredibly loveable. I'm very glad you have him around to keep you a bit sane. I have a few magpies I feed during the week and I know they don't really need me but they literally have kept me going some days. I get how having something to love and care for like that can sometimes apparently cheat life, make you stay even if all the reasons aren't there, and the urges just the same.
I'm sorry things haven't really fixed themselves in full, or much, you are clearly still going through a lot daily. I hope the meds are kind to you. I think you deserve some grace after all this.
Try to take tomorrow as easy as the date allows... which I guess is little, and will be hard regardless but... keep the doggo around as much you can, talk to people if that helps.
I'm glad you are still around, sad your circumstances haven't changed much... except for of course the doggo, which I'm real happy to hear as an addition. Take care whenever you can, I think you are and have been doing a lot, big hugs to you <3