It’s my birthday

[moondazed]

All Saints Day, eh? My mom had to have an experimental procedure when I was born, so I was born at a university hospital. My umbilical cord was wrapping around my neck, and my head was so big I would have strangulated myself during birth. They induced my delivery a little over a month early and I still weighed 9lbs10oz (4.2 kg) so not a small kid, yet at 33 years old I'm 5'6" 150 lbs lol.

I was trying to end it before it started, man. I also hate the number 3 for irrational reasons, so I've had a feeling that this would be the year.

I'm not as lonely as many else here, but I have been chronically lonely. I am blessed with my fathers charms, but I'm cursed with my moms fears. I've had girlfriends, even a fiancé once. I've traveled, I've gone to therapy, I've gotten a dog and seek nature and the wonders of the world. There is a lot of beautiful things to discover. But the filling of my life is dreadful and I don't really know how to develop deep close relationships. I sort of do now, but it's hard to make friends and find an opportunity for a meaningful relationship when you're so behind in life as a busy adult.

I want, so badly, to love and enjoy life. I hurt that so many here don't have even a portion of what I do yet I'm here crying about how hard it is. I'm so numb, and when I'm not numb I'm panicked. So much fear no matter how much I'm aware of how irrational it is.

And that deters people from me.

Also, my dad went to jail today. Lol what the fuck.

 

[S like suicide]

Happy Birthday to you!
I hope you will spend a beautiful day today...turn off all your bad thoughts and just do things that you like...the fact that you want so badly enjoy and love your life it's a great starting point,don't be too harsh on yourself,you are doing your best.
Ps:i am sorry your father wemt to jail today,hope the situation resolves soon

 

[ThisUnrest]

Happy birthday. Im truly sorry youre feeling so bad. And sorry about your dad. Our pains are intense in a way that is personal to each of us. You dont have to have 'good enough' reasons to feel scared and alone. The world can be very scary - and lonely! Even if youve had some good days in the past. Its hard to make friends as an adult, i think plenty of us here understand that. Wish i could make it all better.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Happy birthday @moondazed
It can be difficult to withstand loneliness, and yes it's true that it's more difficult to make bonds once you are an adult.
Don't know what to say about your father, I really don't know what kind of relationship you two had, but it's very coincidental that what's happened to him happened exactly today.
In any case, if you need/want to talk or vent feel free to DM me.

 

[moondazed]

Thanks pals. Decided to force myself to cook myself a nice dinner as a birthday present to myself. It was relatively half ass-ed, but i ate a piece of pan fried and spiced cod, some steamed brocolli, and a spinach and carrot salad in an olive oil/salt/pepper/cumin dressing. most nourishing thing I've eaten since September.

I'm dazed and sad and dont want to keep going but also feel like i'm just watching a movie of my life unfold and pretty fucking zonked out about it, cause wow but what the fuck.

Saw this recently,
WARNING: This video is trippy af.; very hallow and hollow; if you like that though, its good.



Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
They follow me around

Lately I been thinking about the time that you left
Body levitating, breathing without taking a breath
I'm still picking up the pieces from the puzzle you wrecked
Body burning like the Nazarene, the mother she wept
I been waking up in shambles, all my thoughts are a mess
My bones are aching and groaning, a sinking pain in my chest
When I'm sleeping there's a voice that lets me know it's upset
Hallucination dripping from me in a puddle of sweat

Hop out of my noggin, I don't know ya
Demon followed me to Arizona
Preaching out against me in a major way
Pay your rent in my head, old persona
I'm familiar with that stank aroma
Dreams have followed me
It seems they're here to stay

((Some people trying to be hard, but the beat and flow is still good))

Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
They follow me around
Dreams
hey follow me around



I am feeling spent.

I'll just use this as my song dump for the night I guess.



Show me you're better off without me
Choking on every word you said
We'll see
Don't breathe another word about me
I'll leave and you can finally rest in peace
When I go out into the world I just don't like what I see
You could call it paradise but it looks just like hell to me

Lying in between the memories
Choking me and I don't know which way to go
But I'm okay to never know

Speaking in languages we can't read
No need for you to spell it out for me
Swallowed up and I spit you out
Like a drug that just wouldn't stay down
Stay down
When I go out into the world I just don't like what I see
You could call it paradise but it looks just like hell to me

Lying in between the memories
Choking me and I don't know which way to go
But I'm okay to never know

We'll see

 

[BrknEyes]

I'm late! But happy birthday, the dinner doesn't sound half bad ngl, wish I had the motivation to.

 

[Ruma]

Happy birthday! Moondazed x

 

[DeepCD]

happy birthday! Hope your birthday wish comes true!

 

[Adûnâi]

Happy birthday, too! I would be the first to envy you, but realistically, existence is our common language, and its words are often ugly. (Although it's nice to feel oneself "a word pronounced by the Light" or whatever.)

 

[Professor K]

Happy birthday, friend !^^​

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Pls remember even if some people have it harder doesn't mean you have to feel better now. I just hate that argument so much bc I also heard it a lot from my mom. I mean we are not some kind of sadists who think "oh you are in a even worse situation than I am. Haha you fool now I feel better" tf are they thinking. I don't get why this argument is so popular and almost every parent says it to their children. I don't get it at all.

But anyway try to enjoy your birthday even a little bit. You deserve it happy birthday <3