It’s like I’m addicted to wanting to die

[prototypian]

I know suicide and suicidal ideation is not healthy. (Task for later: define healthy). I can't stop. I have a job. I have a family. I have a career. I shouldn't be down but I am. And my brain goes to suicide all the time. I shouldn't be on her me but I come back anytime I'm down. Anytime someone dumps a project on me to finish for them I get down. I hate the feeling of being suicidal but I know that I hate being alive and I truly hate cognitive therapy or changing my world view even more. I constantly feel I've failed everyone and that nothing I have done can ever be redeemed. I see no good anywhere and don't want to change that view and because of it I just want to die. It's a loop I can't shake at all. One little thing at any time and I wish I was dead; I think about jumping off a building and how that would at least leave the person with the administrative need stuck without me to finish the task.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I understand - it's very comforting, knowing that ending it all would at once solve all your problems and you wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore

 

[sometimesoon]

I know suicide and suicidal ideation is not healthy. (Task for later: define healthy). I can't stop. I have a job. I have a family. I have a career. I shouldn't be down but I am. And my brain goes to suicide all the time. I shouldn't be on her me but I come back anytime I'm down. Anytime someone dumps a project on me to finish for them I get down. I hate the feeling of being suicidal but I know that I hate being alive and I truly hate cognitive therapy or changing my world view even more. I constantly feel I've failed everyone and that nothing I have done can ever be redeemed. I see no good anywhere and don't want to change that view and because of it I just want to die. It's a loop I can't shake at all. One little thing at any time and I wish I was dead; I think about jumping off a building and how that would at least leave the person with the administrative need stuck without me to finish the task.

I totally relate to you on this.

There are times that I can't think anything other than ending my life. Things maybe "great" by many standards, but i am thinking about a rope around my neck and when can I end it all.

You really get just tired of trying to "fix" things. My conclusion is really that I don't want to fix things anylonger but to just end things. It takes less energy and the thought of no longer existing is comforting.

The though of transitioning from life to dead feels a positive outcome.

 

[dopaminedeath]

it's a habit, like any other. Now it's an addiction. You're stuck. Not like you're going to change. This is a moment of awareness and then you go right back to your habit.

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

Sometimes I do wonder how people are not addicted to wanting to die when the most trivial daily annoyance can defeat me completely. I wish everyone here luck on finding the final and eternal cure.

 

[Edpal247]

yeah, coming here has became my morning ritual. I appreciate all the information and thoughts. I feel less alone.

 

[dinosavr]

Exactly, I can relate either. It's like whenever I stop thinking about it it makes me feel like something's off and I'm really anxious. Suicide makes me calmer.