fleshgarden
Student
- Mar 15, 2023
- 128
one of my biggest issues with life is I couldn't be important if I tried.. I find that it's very hard for me to be "present" in any type of situation, like I'm completely invisible.. for example I was just at a very big familial social gathering and no one talked to me for the 9 hours I was there.. I somehow got over a fear of standing near group conversations but I still was invisible there. I know it's my own fault because I guess I'm not "social" but it's hard for me to do that. I'm also saddened because I was offline and hadn't seen any one of my "friends" in real life the past week, and I come back and no one really seemed to notice or care.. I'm awake early feeling that familiar nauseous feeling that makes me want to escape. ..
I know I just rambled about this.. but I mean the only person who does care about my existence is my girlfriend.. sometimes I'd rather her not. she cried to me this week and asked me not to die and told me to wait until we live together to finalize that decision.. and how I'm so important to her and that it'd be the worst thing to happen to her in the world.. am I selfish? I wish I died before I ever met her. I also can't help but feel her emotions are false.. I think she depends on me for happiness, I don't think she actually care about me. I wish I could die..from all sides I'm being prevented and I'm stuck suffering the same stuff every hour everyday and it makes me angry everyone is so selfish and if I died no one would understand either.. why can't I just die in peace? why can't I be given the one thing that I've been wishing for for so long and I know will be the only thing that will bring me peace? I feel like no one could ever understand how much I suffer ad they just keep trying to prevent me from death even further which makes it even more unbearable.. it's not like my problems are "fixable", if they were I'd consider living but they're not. I've been suffering all my life from at least something and it just keeps getting worse. I'd like to see what my girlfriend sees in our future but I don't. everyone acts like my problems are fixable because I'm SO young and naive. but those people who want to fix me don't care about me at all.. I'm young yet it doesn't erase the fact my whole life up to this point has been hell for me. I guess I should suck it up since I get food and shelter apparently. (a friend told me essentially I should appreciate life because people care about my opinions and listen to me speak and someone makes food for me, it was about attention and me even though that wasn't the problem I was having (I was having a breakdown online). it was very hurtful. I've lacked all of those in my life. and I suppose it's hurtful for me to assume no one cares about my opinion, but it certainly seems so most of the time.) I'm insufficient for this life and I can't see myself ever having it improve. why can't I just get what I want?
I know I just rambled about this.. but I mean the only person who does care about my existence is my girlfriend.. sometimes I'd rather her not. she cried to me this week and asked me not to die and told me to wait until we live together to finalize that decision.. and how I'm so important to her and that it'd be the worst thing to happen to her in the world.. am I selfish? I wish I died before I ever met her. I also can't help but feel her emotions are false.. I think she depends on me for happiness, I don't think she actually care about me. I wish I could die..from all sides I'm being prevented and I'm stuck suffering the same stuff every hour everyday and it makes me angry everyone is so selfish and if I died no one would understand either.. why can't I just die in peace? why can't I be given the one thing that I've been wishing for for so long and I know will be the only thing that will bring me peace? I feel like no one could ever understand how much I suffer ad they just keep trying to prevent me from death even further which makes it even more unbearable.. it's not like my problems are "fixable", if they were I'd consider living but they're not. I've been suffering all my life from at least something and it just keeps getting worse. I'd like to see what my girlfriend sees in our future but I don't. everyone acts like my problems are fixable because I'm SO young and naive. but those people who want to fix me don't care about me at all.. I'm young yet it doesn't erase the fact my whole life up to this point has been hell for me. I guess I should suck it up since I get food and shelter apparently. (a friend told me essentially I should appreciate life because people care about my opinions and listen to me speak and someone makes food for me, it was about attention and me even though that wasn't the problem I was having (I was having a breakdown online). it was very hurtful. I've lacked all of those in my life. and I suppose it's hurtful for me to assume no one cares about my opinion, but it certainly seems so most of the time.) I'm insufficient for this life and I can't see myself ever having it improve. why can't I just get what I want?
