It’s getting closer..

[lastlife_]

I feel like I'm running on empty.. I'm becoming more mentally, emotionally and physically drained from simply existing at this point. My funds are running out and I'm already having to budget and ration the amount I spent and the amount I eat. Maybe this is a good thing, though. I'm done with all of my attempts at trying to live or seek some kind of recovery or state of contentment. Perhaps this is the right kind of nudge for me to finally gather enough courage to do what I need to do. I've known for more than half of my life that suicide was my inevitable fate, and honestly, I regret not having done it sooner. I could've saved so much time, emotion, pain and stress but my logic was, because I was so young, I have to try to live before I make the decision to die. I'm 31 now, and while I'm glad to say "at least I tried. No one can say I didn't try or give myself opportunities", at the same time I just think "all that time and effort for what?". I think deep down I knew nothing fruitful would come from trying to live but I did it anyway, whether that was due to fear of death or survival instinct, I don't know. Anyway.. I don't have long left, I just know it.. I feel like this is my final week to sort through my life, get my final note written, pull together enough courage and step over that line we haven't crossed before.

I don't know how active I'll be until then. I've gone from reading about suicide nearly everyday for the last two years to barely being able to read about it for more than 5 minutes. I feel like I've read all I needed to read and it's just exhausting to think about now. I just want to be at peace.

 

[GentleJerk]

This sounds like such a heavy burden to carry. There is only so much weight someone can bear before it becomes too much, I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

I don't judge you one bit for feeling this way, making the decision to try to live as much as you can is a great strength, whether it changed things in the end or not it was not a waste of time.

You have understanding and support here, It's the least we can do. I wish there was more I could do but I'm sure many of us can relate to this difficulty you are going through, you should not feel like you have wasted your time or failed. Wishing you all the very best and endless joy and peace no matter what.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, when things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. I also just want peace, this life can be very depressing and tiring. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Noctis]

I feel like I'm running on empty.. I'm becoming more mentally, emotionally and physically drained from simply existing at this point. My funds are running out and I'm already having to budget and ration the amount I spent and the amount I eat. Maybe this is a good thing, though. I'm done with all of my attempts at trying to live or seek some kind of recovery or state of contentment. Perhaps this is the right kind of nudge for me to finally gather enough courage to do what I need to do. I've known for more than half of my life that suicide was my inevitable fate, and honestly, I regret not having done it sooner. I could've saved so much time, emotion, pain and stress but my logic was, because I was so young, I have to try to live before I make the decision to die. I'm 31 now, and while I'm glad to say "at least I tried. No one can say I didn't try or give myself opportunities", at the same time I just think "all that time and effort for what?". I think deep down I knew nothing fruitful would come from trying to live but I did it anyway, whether that was due to fear of death or survival instinct, I don't know. Anyway.. I don't have long left, I just know it.. I feel like this is my final week to sort through my life, get my final note written, pull together enough courage and step over that line we haven't crossed before.

I don't know how active I'll be until then. I've gone from reading about suicide nearly everyday for the last two years to barely being able to read about it for more than 5 minutes. I feel like I've read all I needed to read and it's just exhausting to think about now. I just want to be at peace.

I understand all too well what you mean. I've wanted to die since about 9 years old. I always pushed it back because I was so young, and things had to turn around eventually, right?

Now I'm 37 and there isn't a day that goes by in which I don't wish I did it as a teenager. I was so miserable then, and I'm honestly not much better now. Nothing could ever happen to make the bad days worth it, but in my case the good days were never that great to begin with.

I'm not even depressed or angry or anxious about the whole thing, just tired. It's exhausting to try to find a reason to not kill yourself every day. It's draining to have your first thought every single morning be "Well shit, I didn't die in my sleep." I'm just so tired of existing. Everything is a struggle and I feel like I've fought enough.