Busridin'26
Hating every minute of being alive.
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,933
Morning update:
Sometimes my body just feels tired as hell and im able to sleep alllllllll day without beeding to be awake.
I've slept for about 9 hrs or so and im still very sleepy.
I woke up lit some incense, took meds, refilled waterbottle(plus added salt) and now im yawning a lot.
Im about to go back to sleep/once incense is burned go back to sleep for the day.
Shall check in with my friend's later... tis noce to be cared for but it does come with pressure when I reveal I'm suicidal. Bc then I feel I "need" to check in.
But anyway whether it's a combo of not taking my stimulant meds or just how fuckin tired I am... I am glad to be sleeping all day. I kinda hope my aunt doesn't call me back her questions were kinda shitty and it's weird not to express any kinda condolences or anything when you hear you're own noece has been sexually assaulted& human trafficked before. But if my convo with my mom was amy consolation (where she basically minimized what happened with my ex) then im sure she doesn't believe me. I wouldn't be suprised of my mom has shared it and basically expressed im lying or was willing kinda thing. Which is really fucking disgusting. And not someone I need in my life but my mom always lies for sympathy. I'm not/wouldn't be suprised if they just assumed the same.
She said she'd call or text by Tuesday but ima just ignore it and may just block her. Shall see. If my life is ending anyway then who cares. Quite frankly I wanted other supports too but rn from shitty family like yall can donate or fuck off..
Anyway. Not how I wanna spend my thoughts.
Today I am sleeping, watching youtube videos and reading. Got a good selection of books rn on my kindle app.
Kinda hungry but I never feel like preparing food or eating now a days. Kinda activated rn tho so might make a grilled cheese.
Sighsss checked/turned my phone off do not disturb for a moment and my friend said good morning & she said "I dunno if this helps but" then from what I could see was saying how when she started healing more she was experiencing more suicidality. Which
yeee im aware of that phenomenon and talked about it quite a bit..
I think it's hard for some people to just accept that some people are just genuinely suicidal and genuinely don't want to live. Ima just be honest with her/share the post I made yesterday...
I think im gonna try to eat & stay awake for a bit to make sandwiche & eat. Or just watch some youtube vids & thennnn go back to sleep food is overrated.
Anyway that's my lil update. I feel still joy & calm in my decision to die.
Sometimes my body just feels tired as hell and im able to sleep alllllllll day without beeding to be awake.
I've slept for about 9 hrs or so and im still very sleepy.
I woke up lit some incense, took meds, refilled waterbottle(plus added salt) and now im yawning a lot.
Im about to go back to sleep/once incense is burned go back to sleep for the day.
Shall check in with my friend's later... tis noce to be cared for but it does come with pressure when I reveal I'm suicidal. Bc then I feel I "need" to check in.
But anyway whether it's a combo of not taking my stimulant meds or just how fuckin tired I am... I am glad to be sleeping all day. I kinda hope my aunt doesn't call me back her questions were kinda shitty and it's weird not to express any kinda condolences or anything when you hear you're own noece has been sexually assaulted& human trafficked before. But if my convo with my mom was amy consolation (where she basically minimized what happened with my ex) then im sure she doesn't believe me. I wouldn't be suprised of my mom has shared it and basically expressed im lying or was willing kinda thing. Which is really fucking disgusting. And not someone I need in my life but my mom always lies for sympathy. I'm not/wouldn't be suprised if they just assumed the same.
She said she'd call or text by Tuesday but ima just ignore it and may just block her. Shall see. If my life is ending anyway then who cares. Quite frankly I wanted other supports too but rn from shitty family like yall can donate or fuck off..
Anyway. Not how I wanna spend my thoughts.
Today I am sleeping, watching youtube videos and reading. Got a good selection of books rn on my kindle app.
Kinda hungry but I never feel like preparing food or eating now a days. Kinda activated rn tho so might make a grilled cheese.
Sighsss checked/turned my phone off do not disturb for a moment and my friend said good morning & she said "I dunno if this helps but" then from what I could see was saying how when she started healing more she was experiencing more suicidality. Which
yeee im aware of that phenomenon and talked about it quite a bit.. I think it's hard for some people to just accept that some people are just genuinely suicidal and genuinely don't want to live. Ima just be honest with her/share the post I made yesterday...
I think im gonna try to eat & stay awake for a bit to make sandwiche & eat. Or just watch some youtube vids & thennnn go back to sleep food is overrated.
Anyway that's my lil update. I feel still joy & calm in my decision to die.
