Venting It’s crazy

[m4rius]

It's crazy how close to suicide I am, so much for nothing, it's a lot sooner than I anticipated. This can especially hurt when you've had so many plans for yourself only to find it turn meaningless.

I was always suicidal but I didn't expect ending it so early...

I despise my mood swings, it is exhausting. My mind is tuned to the max, erratically. I despise my obsessiveness, my obsessiveness with myself, my ideas, and other people. I despise myself.

I am a danger to myself and others, I must cope before it's over. I can't minimize whatever the fuck's going in my head, this is real, it's always been like that.

I chose to ignore and shut in my emotions thinking it'll be alright but no, the inflated balloon will explode spraying acid all over my soul.

I've always been unstable, the day I was born as an infant. Always crying, always angry. Now I'm numb.

I would require a literal lobotomy to put out the flames inside.

Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD as a male. A recent relationship I had with a BPD girl revealed a lot of rotten filth deep in my mind I never thought I could relate to.

Relationships were by far the worst decision for my mental health. Do not subject yourself to such horrors if you're unstable, no wonder BPD sufferers stick to their next host like flies to honey.

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[m4rius]

What's your method?

I was thinking SN or go into the dark web and order highly potent opiates for an easy death.

I'm not exactly sure though as I still don't feel ready to die despite the constant impulsive need to do so, I may do SN due to the less risk of after effects if brought to the hospital.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound tiring and awful what you have to go through. Of course existing certainly can be torture, but anyway I wish you the best of luck.