Venting It's been hard to do the basic living things.

[Livingvsdying25]

I called the pharmacy as I needa pick up more meds and was gonna use that as motivation to shower & stuff then uber there and back. The phone on the pharmacy went to voicemail as it does sometimes so I'll have to call again later Im sleepy tho tbh so might go to sleep for a bit then wake up.

Gotta wash dishes today for sure. I'm just struggling bc of health issues & my own down mood to do the basics.

I fainted on Sunday? Night and I'm ok I think other than my side hurting quite a bit.... it's just a struggle all around. Anyway... I'm still in a flareup but maybe rn a lil less. I dunno there's too many symptoms so it gets hard to gauge sometimes.

 

[puella]

I hope you can feel better. I'm so proud of you. Those things may seem basic, but you're actually doing incredibly well.

 

[Blue Elephant]

@Livingvsdying25 I'm sorry about your state mate! : (

Whay symptoms do you have?

 

[BlazingBob]

I haven't taken a shower in weeks. I got up to feed the dogs and pick up the poop now I'm back in bed. Chronic unrelenting exhaustion is my number one reason for ctb.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I called the pharmacy as I needa pick up more meds and was gonna use that as motivation to shower & stuff then uber there and back. The phone on the pharmacy went to voicemail as it does sometimes so I'll have to call again later Im sleepy tho tbh so might go to sleep for a bit then wake up.

Gotta wash dishes today for sure. I'm just struggling bc of health issues & my own down mood to do the basics.

I fainted on Sunday? Night and I'm ok I think other than my side hurting quite a bit.... it's just a struggle all around. Anyway... I'm still in a flareup but maybe rn a lil less. I dunno there's too many symptoms so it gets hard to gauge sometimes.

I've been sleeping since.... got up and I just feel so fucking weak. I dunno how im going to manage to do anything...

Im eating some popsicles rn. Warmed up some pasta and got in some bites... my appetite is kinda coming back.

Ig I should call the pharmacy and comfirm if I can even get my meds but honestly I feel so fucking exhausted. The aspects of showering and such .

Anything that's gonna get done today will not be natural energy or will be forced. I dunno. Of the things needed to be done weren't essential stuff I wouldn't bother.

I have 5 hrs till the pharmacy closes & after getting up to eat and such...I think I needa sleep for a lil...

Ugh I'm sick of living with chronic health issues



Such a joke that my doctor thinks this isn't a qualified issue for M.A.I.D.

I've been sleeping since.... got up and I just feel so fucking weak. I dunno how im going to manage to do anything...

Im eating some popsicles rn. Warmed up some pasta and got in some bites... my appetite is kinda coming back.

Ig I should call the pharmacy and comfirm if I can even get my meds but honestly I feel so fucking exhausted. The aspects of showering and such .

Anything that's gonna get done today will not be natural energy or will be forced. I dunno. Of the things needed to be done weren't essential stuff I wouldn't bother.

I have 5 hrs till the pharmacy closes & after getting up to eat and such...I think I needa sleep for a lil...

Ugh I'm sick of living with chronic health issues



Such a joke that my doctor thinks this isn't a qualified issue for M.A.I.D.

Sooo I called my pharmacy to get my meds bc I wanted to confirm I could get em. Had to take my benzos a bit early due to my other condition/adrenaline surges. So ima take my last benzo, im considering taking a stimulant bc I really need to get up & shower, brush my teeth, do the dishes and maybe some laundry. Not sure yet. Physically I'm lacking energy & maybe the food will help but mentally I'm experiencing some hella executive dysfunction. So it'll def help some. But I'll probs just prioritize personal hygiene & the dishes. I don't think any energy will go over being sick/in flareup sooo.

I haven't even fully decided on a method. I just feel stressed the fuck out about having to keep living at such a struggle level. Like im done with life fully. I've done what I've never done before & that's delete all contacts. I won't be reaching out & even if I wanted to I cant.
My therapist is aware I'm planning to kill myself & that I am not booking anymore appts. She doesn't care or believe me. Whichever one works in my benefit either way.


Its miserable enough wanting to die but to have the struggle be so real to get there is just too much.

Anyway shall give meds an hour then wash up quick and then go to pharmacy & come back. I feel like crying. I've been disengaged & distracted so that I wouldn't have to face all these feelings....

Gonna go back to youtube to keep some of the feelings at bay.

 

[Blue Elephant]

But I'll probs just prioritize personal hygiene & the dishes.

Smart move, you do the important stuff one thing at a time.

She doesn't care or believe me.

But we do! I'm sorry you're going through this crap. : (

I've been disengaged & distracted so that I wouldn't have to face all these feelings..

It's the only way to move forward really. I keep a very very short contacts list and keep away from anything or anyone.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

@Livingvsdying25 I'm sorry about your state mate! : (

Whay symptoms do you have?

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

POTS is diagnosed only when orthostatic hypotension is ruled out and when there is no acute dehydration or blood loss.

www.hopkinsmedicine.org

The symptoms of POTS include but are not limited to lightheadedness (occasionally with fainting), difficulty thinking and concentrating (brain fog), fatigue, intolerance of exercise, headache, blurry vision, palpitations, tremor and nausea.

Smart move, you do the important stuff one thing at a time.


But we do! I'm sorry you're going through this crap. : (


It's the only way to move forward really. I keep a very very short contacts list and keep away from anything or anyone.

I wanna call the local friend so bad bc I know she'd actually wanna hear from me and so would my closest/ the person i consider my best friend.

But at the same time I know where my mind is at in regards to living vs dying so.

I'm just crying rn. I emailed my therapist to ask her if she'd even have 15 mins to talk today and leaving on my gmail notifications. Bc ik she's the most detached so to speak. So even that reaching out won't be a changing factor or anything.

I had sent her an email on Saturday about the suicidality and then when we were supposed to meet on Monday I sent an email saying that I'm canceling the appt and she said ok and reach out if I want. And to text this hotline if I was having some feelings in between appts. Funnily enough I did do that on Saturday.


I had asked my Dad to plz come down or smthin but I haven't looked at my messages but for him ik its just gonna be something very uncaring so.


All this to say... ik who really cares and would make.an impact on my heart but its those contacts that I feel deserve the least of this even if they'd wanna help the most...


Ig it doesn't really matter who believes me but this is the closest I've felt to actually going through with CTB in years tbh. & its scary but to remove myself from care is the easiest way to almost have the choice made for me. Plus guilt for putting anyone through alla dis


Im still sick rn but have a lot of energy/ hypervigilance that needs to be worked out physically as it's been for a lil while now. So ima do some cleaning with breaks.

Anyway jus rambles.

 

[Blue Elephant]

Woah! POTS sounds like a nightmare! But it can be treated at least. That's good!

I think you should call any of your friends. Friends help! If I'd have a friend in need of help I would try to help them. I think what most of us around here on SS need is at least one person to talk to.

And I hope your therapist replies. It's what they'd suppose to do.

Really just.. talk to people, let them know how you are, if you care about them then they maybe care about you too and then they would like to know how you are.

Clean but also maybe go out in a park to get some fresh air!? If you are able of course. Maybe eat something fresh and easy to digest like an apple or a banana!? I don't know, I'm just trying to put myself into your position, try to think about how you feel and it's what I would do after a heavy affection when I don't have a lot of energy. Sun and fresh air help. A quiet calm, quiet, chill place helps too.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Woah! POTS sounds like a nightmare! But it can be treated at least. That's good!

I think you should call any of your friends. Friends help! If I'd have a friend in need of help I would try to help them. I think what most of us around here on SS need is at least one person to talk to.

And I hope your therapist replies. It's what they'd suppose to do.

Really just.. talk to people, let them know how you are, if you care about them then they maybe care about you too and then they would like to know how you are.

Clean but also maybe go out in a park to get some fresh air!? If you are able of course. Maybe eat something fresh and easy to digest like an apple or a banana!? I don't know, I'm just trying to put myself into your position, try to think about how you feel and it's what I would do after a heavy affection when I don't have a lot of energy. Sun and fresh air help. A quiet calm, quiet, chill place helps too.

Thnx talked to therapist yesterday. Talked to this stranger that I've talked to now 2 times on discord that is super nice. Talked to my friend too a bit. Essentially I feel guilty around that but yee...


I might finally have some energy or hypervigilance to burn so going outside to get some ingredients & cooking. It's not getting better so I'm just gonna push my body to get the energy out & clear my space.


Thnx for the reply

 

[Blue Elephant]

Cooking sounds really nice! Sadly, I suck at it, I only eat sandwiches and instant soups. :p