In 2023, I tried to ctb. After so many failed attempts, somehow I found a will to live.
I remember being genuinely happy and content with life, despite situations around me not getting significantly better, I just enjoyed life for some reason, it was worth living again.
I think it all started in 2024 after I finished writing my final high school exams, that was when I genuinely felt relief.
In 2025, I got professional help after I was worried I might become suicidal again, was started on antidepressant medication and started therapy.
Things were looking up, even suicide disgusted me then, I was getting better, healing, got friends, opened up to them, even got a girlfriend this year.
One thing lingered on though, despite my life going well and all, there were always moments when thoughts of ctb would flash my mind.
Sometime in between my recovery I even visited the forum again, just to see how I felt about it.
Through the course of my recovery I've searched for meaning in different places, religion, philosophy, science, reason and unfortunately, I think that search has led me to the conclusion that there's actually no point in living.
I'm back to the point where I don't even want to live anymore.
I got a job, I have a lot of potential to make my mark on the world. I got a big project I'm working on with lots of people depending on my input for it's success.
But I don't want it.
I just want it all to end.
Unfortunately I'm back there again.
Few days ago I even overdosed on my antidepressant medication (ofc, didn't do any significant instant damage, but I've lost appetite, focus and can't even sleep right), I just thought to myself, maybe the way out this time that wouldn't be so depressing to family and friends is if the ctb seemed natural and not intentional.
I may be on this forum for a while, or not.
Anyway, it's just me.
I remember being genuinely happy and content with life, despite situations around me not getting significantly better, I just enjoyed life for some reason, it was worth living again.
I think it all started in 2024 after I finished writing my final high school exams, that was when I genuinely felt relief.
In 2025, I got professional help after I was worried I might become suicidal again, was started on antidepressant medication and started therapy.
Things were looking up, even suicide disgusted me then, I was getting better, healing, got friends, opened up to them, even got a girlfriend this year.
One thing lingered on though, despite my life going well and all, there were always moments when thoughts of ctb would flash my mind.
Sometime in between my recovery I even visited the forum again, just to see how I felt about it.
Through the course of my recovery I've searched for meaning in different places, religion, philosophy, science, reason and unfortunately, I think that search has led me to the conclusion that there's actually no point in living.
I'm back to the point where I don't even want to live anymore.
I got a job, I have a lot of potential to make my mark on the world. I got a big project I'm working on with lots of people depending on my input for it's success.
But I don't want it.
I just want it all to end.
Unfortunately I'm back there again.
Few days ago I even overdosed on my antidepressant medication (ofc, didn't do any significant instant damage, but I've lost appetite, focus and can't even sleep right), I just thought to myself, maybe the way out this time that wouldn't be so depressing to family and friends is if the ctb seemed natural and not intentional.
I may be on this forum for a while, or not.
Anyway, it's just me.
