Venting it’s becoming too real

[huntermellow]

even tho my ctb date isn't for months, after finally getting sn it all feels too real. i'm scared of what my parents will say and think. i'm crying so hard thinking about how they would react and how my sister would react. i feel like i've been such a bad daughter because i didn't want to be the person my parents wanted me to be because they're extremely religious and wanted me to be traditional like them. i just wanted to be my own person. they never really showed me any affection when i was a child and my family is definitely the reason i developed bpd. they were the reason i developed my self hatred and mental health problems. but i hate the thought of my parents crying over my death. i wish i could've been a better daughter to them but i had to go against their wishes to be able to feel free but i'm still trapped because of who i am as a person. my sister is the only person i'm close to in my family because i'm like her and we both went against our family's wishes. the thought of her crying over my death makes my heart ache. i want to be cremated but cremation is against my family's religion. i want to write in my will that i want my sister to be the executor of my will but i don't want her to get into a huge argument with my family about me wanting to be cremated. i don't want to be a burden to her after death so i'm going to tell her in my scheduled email to her that if it'll be too much trouble for her then she can ignore that request. i kinda want to bring up cremation and burial to her the next time i see her just to see her opinion on it.

 

[gloomie]

you'd never be a bad daughter just by choosing to be yourself. it's already hard enough to figure out who you are, especially with pressure from your parents and bpd on top of that. i hope you know you should be so proud of yourself for making it this far.

you say your ctb date isn't for a while, so in the meantime if you ever need someone to listen, i'm here for you. i'm sorry that you're struggling so much. sending you so much love

 

[huntermellow]

you'd never be a bad daughter just by choosing to be yourself. it's already hard enough to figure out who you are, especially with pressure from your parents and bpd on top of that. i hope you know you should be so proud of yourself for making it this far.

you say your ctb date isn't for a while, so in the meantime if you ever need someone to listen, i'm here for you. i'm sorry that you're struggling so much. sending you so much love

thank you you're so kind :( i really hate who i am and the way my mind works and the things i think and the things i've done in the past. i feel like such a bad person. i think there was a reason for why i did certain things like trauma but maybe i'm just a bad person…

 

[JustAStory]

I wrote something similar in a thread in off topic, because another user was asking if we see ourselves as "bad"...

I don't know you, but have you considered the idea that you probably are not bad at all? When dealing with extreme pain is hard to feel empathy and our mind can only concentrare on our (inability to get?) wellbeing. With this may come guilt, but as the fog dissipates you may discover that you indeed are a good person.

If there's one thing I am sure of, you are not bad for wanting to live differently from how your family wants - they should have no saying in this.

As you wrote that the date you've chosen is still far away... I hope you can live by your terms by this time, and find happiness.

 

[huntermellow]

I wrote something similar in a thread in off topic, because another user was asking if we see ourselves as "bad"...

I don't know you, but have you considered the idea that you probably are not bad at all? When dealing with extreme pain is hard to feel empathy and our mind can only concentrare on our (inability to get?) wellbeing. With this may come guilt, but as the fog dissipates you may discover that you indeed are a good person.

If there's one thing I am sure of, you are not bad for wanting to live differently from how your family wants - they should have no saying in this.

As you wrote that the date you've chosen is still far away... I hope you can live by your terms by this time, and find happiness.

i think i'm a bad person for the things i've done and for the way i think… tho most of it is intrusive thoughts i still feel so guilty for my actions and thoughts. even if my actions are a result of trauma or being treated badly i feel like i can't even use that as an excuse…

 

[Glazed_Orange]

i think i'm a bad person for the things i've done and for the way i think… tho most of it is intrusive thoughts i still feel so guilty for my actions and thoughts. even if my actions are a result of trauma or being treated badly i feel like i can't even use that as an excuse…

it might be hard for you to use our past as an excuse, but the reality is, that's when we're most vulnerable. there's no doubt that it had it had a hand in you feeling the way you do. live your life as you see fit

 

[huntermellow]

it might be hard for you to use our past as an excuse, but the reality is, that's when we're most vulnerable. there's no doubt that it had it had a hand in you feeling the way you do. live your life as you see fit

i sometimes forget i'm human and i'm not perfect and i have flaws and make mistakes and can be selfish liek everyone else. but i also feel like i'm worse than everyone else. i think i need to find a way to forgive myself. but i think i'll always hate myself for who i am because idk how to act normal. i just hate the thought of other people hating me for the things i've done or said

 

[gloomie]

thank you you're so kind :( i really hate who i am and the way my mind works and the things i think and the things i've done in the past. i feel like such a bad person. i think there was a reason for why i did certain things like trauma but maybe i'm just a bad person…

being a bad person is one of my biggest fears so i understand you. i like to remind myself that bad people don't tend to worry about whether they're bad or not, they don't even care enough to think about that in the first place. how much you worry about how you affect others is a reflection of how caring you are.

you're not a bad person for coping the best way you knew how to, you're trying to survive like everyone else is. just because it's harder for people like us, doesn't mean we're terrible. trauma changes our brains so much. it's okay to forgive yourself <3

 

[Glazed_Orange]

i sometimes forget i'm human and i'm not perfect and i have flaws and make mistakes and can be selfish liek everyone else. but i also feel like i'm worse than everyone else. i think i need to find a way to forgive myself. but i think i'll always hate myself for who i am because idk how to act normal. i just hate the thought of other people hating me for the things i've done or said

it doesn't seem like you actually did anything though, it's more about what you couldn't do for other people, to "fit in". even then, what they say or do isn't necessarily right, it's just what's normal. There's no way to actually measure that

 

[Makoto]

even tho my ctb date isn't for months, after finally getting sn it all feels too real. i'm scared of what my parents will say and think. i'm crying so hard thinking about how they would react and how my sister would react. i feel like i've been such a bad daughter because i didn't want to be the person my parents wanted me to be because they're extremely religious and wanted me to be traditional like them. i just wanted to be my own person. they never really showed me any affection when i was a child and my family is definitely the reason i developed bpd. they were the reason i developed my self hatred and mental health problems. but i hate the thought of my parents crying over my death. i wish i could've been a better daughter to them but i had to go against their wishes to be able to feel free but i'm still trapped because of who i am as a person. my sister is the only person i'm close to in my family because i'm like her and we both went against our family's wishes. the thought of her crying over my death makes my heart ache. i want to be cremated but cremation is against my family's religion. i want to write in my will that i want my sister to be the executor of my will but i don't want her to get into a huge argument with my family about me wanting to be cremated. i don't want to be a burden to her after death so i'm going to tell her in my scheduled email to her that if it'll be too much trouble for her then she can ignore that request. i kinda want to bring up cremation and burial to her the next time i see her just to see her opinion on it.

You are brave for never given in and having remained faithful to being who you are and who you want to be... I admire you for that.

Whatever happens...I hope you find peace.