Venting its all my fault

[moya117]

idk how long ive been like this but somehow when i find myself getting better just a little bit, a certain situation messed it all up
my therapy doesnt work out, i talk to my therapist about how ive been sa and she compared the situation to a thief and a bicycle, its silly i know but i just dont feel right about her response, it just makes me feel more sad. i live in a majority muslim country, they claim to be a peaceful religion but what did i got? hate, just because i like someone the same gender as me, just because im depressed (they blamed me because i dont have enough faith), just because i dont wear a hijab.

god oh god, if youre really exist, why did you make me suffer, why did you make me love a woman, why did you make me a sinner
if i kill myself, would i get the chance to be in heaven? pls have mercy on me

i feel bad for my mom, she have a daughter like me. i love her yet she makes me misarable. i tend to bottle up my feelings so that she doesnt have to think about it, oh god shes so thin because of me, yet she always knows when im in my depressive episode and scold me because my problems is not important and then proceed to talk how misarable she is and how shes struggling with her job, she knows im bisexual and everytime i tried to talk to her about it she just make a disappointed face.

its all my fault, im sorry mom

sorry for my rambling but i dont have anywhere to go beside this website

 

[OTanerd]

Please don't say that, it's not your fault in any of the things you mention. Rather your environment makes you feel that way that you already have that opinion very much set in your mind, without realizing that really none of the things that identify you as your person is your fault.
I am sorry to read about your situation, it must feel very bad to live that way. Just don't think it's your fault.

 

[fallingtopieces]

i personally don't believe god exists, but if there was one, i don't think god would judge or denounce who you choose to love or what you wear for that matter. it is not your fault that you love, and who you love. it sucks and i'm sorry that your mom doesn't understand and you can't fully be who you are. at some point early in my life i realized my parents would never really know who i was and it made me really sad.

 

[moya117]

i personally don't believe god exists, but if there was one, i don't think god would judge or denounce who you choose to love or what you wear for that matter. it is not your fault that you love, and who you love. it sucks and i'm sorry that your mom doesn't understand and you can't fully be who you are. at some point early in my life i realized my parents would never really know who i was and it made me really sad.

if god really exist then i hope what youre saying is true
sucks that the same thing happen to you, just remember that i have your back
we can be friends

 

[Jadeith]

its all my fault

Nope. It is not. You didn't choose to love women. You were born this way. You weren't even asked if you want to be born.
And also - god didn't hurt you. It's the people. Every religion has it's extremists and they hurt. A lot. Usually those are very quick to forget what the love of god they pray to so much is all about. Close friend of mine was tormented nearly to ctb by their christian fam, only because of being bi. Sweet child really but no - parents decided that this calls for exorcisms, nearly killing poor kid in the process and leaving deep mental scars. And for what? For finding men and women equally attractive?
Gimme a break...
Fortunately my friend was able to move away from parents' toxicity and found supportive partner so i didn't have to attend another funeral.
Maybe, if possible, you could try that too? I understand that going no-contact or at least long-range contact on your fam and community might be extremely difficult but also might bring you peace your heart desires.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

idk how long ive been like this but somehow when i find myself getting better just a little bit, a certain situation messed it all up
my therapy doesnt work out, i talk to my therapist about how ive been sa and she compared the situation to a thief and a bicycle, its silly i know but i just dont feel right about her response, it just makes me feel more sad. i live in a majority muslim country, they claim to be a peaceful religion but what did i got? hate, just because i like someone the same gender as me, just because im depressed (they blamed me because i dont have enough faith), just because i dont wear a hijab.

god oh god, if youre really exist, why did you make me suffer, why did you make me love a woman, why did you make me a sinner
if i kill myself, would i get the chance to be in heaven? pls have mercy on me

i feel bad for my mom, she have a daughter like me. i love her yet she makes me misarable. i tend to bottle up my feelings so that she doesnt have to think about it, oh god shes so thin because of me, yet she always knows when im in my depressive episode and scold me because my problems is not important and then proceed to talk how misarable she is and how shes struggling with her job, she knows im bisexual and everytime i tried to talk to her about it she just make a disappointed face.

its all my fault, im sorry mom

sorry for my rambling but i dont have anywhere to go beside this website

Queen, don't feel denounced your femininity because of a religious group people who have taken charge of respecting you — or any women for that matter — boundaries... You shouldn't have been brought into such belief that you are merely just a bicycle who is to be ridden and sold by a thief who has deployed you of any satisfaction in seeing you as a human, whether you knew him or not. You have right to feel disgusted and ill mannered towards a response such as that, and your therapist is shameful to have brought those lies onto herself, knowing the truth yet hiding it in such plain sight and I am so sorry you had to endure that.

No one deserves to be seen as ill by their own mother, and I want to share my own mother in this life never respected me or even cared about me or my own feelings and interests, and I'm straight, but she made me be confused about my sexuality, as she would've killed me anyways and didn't care I was raped and placed the blame on me...

I'm saying there are just things in life that you can not deal with that isn't your responsibility, as my mother always blamed her hypertension on me, yet I have hypotension, which is an exact opposite condition she has, because I was born with lower blood cells than she was, and she never thought to care about my emotions, physical health, or conditions, and a parents job is to see their child as an equal part of their own journey, giving them a better life, and adding their own futures, especially ensuring love and protection by caring for another person who would have different traits to yours, and our parents — and especially society — fails to truly show love and nurturing care to people in their comfortable spaces that they'd do anything to rob and rid them of actual happiness...

You are not to blame and should know when you feel emotionally abused, and I am sorry you have been a victim to this to not recognize it much, but do not blame yourself and pick up your crown, queen, as you are valuable, even if your mother doesn't see it.

There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, and honestly, anyone who judges even outside of religion is to be ashamed for caring so openly about someone's life in such a way.

You did not ramble, you vented.

I truly hope you know your mother isn't struggling because of you, but her own reactions towards you, and I am sorry if she is dealing with much aside from that, but show her your support, but do not let her manipulate you.

Also, Heaven is a deciding factor of your own volition. Do not believe such lies, especially if you've never seen it for yourself and do not fear those tactics... you are not a sinner... You're a victim, like anyone here