It's all in place. Why am i hanging on?

[DogSandwich]

I have now received 200 g of SN, I have a test kit, and a ton of Klonopin.
It's sitting there, waiting on me.
Why am I holding on? I still go to work, eat once every other day at least. I don't have to do any of it. Am I a coward? Life offers nothing but confusion and completely unnecessary ache. I am seeing somebody, but it's really just regular sex that drives that.
What am I doing? I'm drifting. I don't want to work, I don't want to eat, I don't want to think. So why don't I take the route I've afforded myself? It's sitting right there in a plastic bag plastered with warning labels.

 

[thewalkingdread]

You are not alone.

I am almost in the exact same circumstances: I have all that I need to leave this pigsty for good. However, I've been procrastinating and, here I am, lingering on...

It fucking sucks.

 

[UKscotty]

Same as the rest of us, there is still some hope left inside your mind.

We call it SI.

Only once all hope is gone is our SI extinguished and we can CTB.

 

[theboy]

SI

 

[DogSandwich]

Can you guys catch me up? Ive figured out most of the lingo, but I don't know what SI stands for.

 

[thewalkingdread]

I don't know what SI stands for.

It stands for Survival "Instinct".

Which is not an actual instinct... That's a very bad, erroneous, common sense misconception.

If there were such a thing as survival "instinct" no one would be able to jump from an airplane with a parachute, for instance.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I often bash myself with my internal monologue of "you useless piece of shit, you can't even kill your self properly".

I spend most of my waking time wishing I was dead, planning how to do it, actively attempting then recovering from failed (oftimes stupid) attempts. And I'm still frickin here even though I don't want to be. I work to keep a roof over my head and little else, an untold number of years of Groundhog Day torture terrifies me, if I had an off switch I'd have pushed the damn button years ago.

Planning suicide is exhausting. Attempting is exhausting and terrifying. Recovering from failed attempts is exhausting. Going about the daily routine faking being somewhat functional whilst living with underlying suicidality is exhausting and feels largely pointless.

Yet statistically many of us are still here doing it. It fucking sucks but you are not alone in the suckage. X

 

[falling_snow]

i totally feel you.

i think its either SI (which most people said), or you didnt make peace with death/life, maybe regrets, or maybe a slight thought of "recovery". this happens to most of us and it isnt a bad nor weird thing. it isnt that you dont want to ctb, maybe its just that u dont feel like its the right time.

i recommend cutting regrets and filling some emptiness, making peace with life and its end, and look a bit into yourself to find possible causes.

 

[thewalkingdread]

It's difficult not because we have lingering hopes. That certainly can be a factor, but it's not the only — nor the most crucial — one.

In my opinion the hardest thing to do is to let go of absolutely EVERYTHING and finally breaking life's inherent inertia.

 

[LunarLight]

You're not a coward. It's just SI. Overcoming SI is incredibly difficult.

 

[BrainShower]

SI means survival instinct on here.
Other places it means "suicidal intent" which is the opposite, so a bit confusing

 

[thewalkingdread]

The irony of it all is that we're all in this suicide forum just "hanging" in here...

 

[uniqueusername4]

I have now received 200 g of SN, I have a test kit, and a ton of Klonopin.
It's sitting there, waiting on me.
Why am I holding on? I still go to work, eat once every other day at least. I don't have to do any of it. Am I a coward? Life offers nothing but confusion and completely unnecessary ache. I am seeing somebody, but it's really just regular sex that drives that.
What am I doing? I'm drifting. I don't want to work, I don't want to eat, I don't want to think. So why don't I take the route I've afforded myself? It's sitting right there in a plastic bag plastered with warning labels.

I also have my SN, antiemetic and anti-anxiety med. I am afraid that it wont work or that my SI will kick in. I know that another failed suicide attempt will be hell to live through and I don't have any backups right now. I sometimes think the fear of failing is what holds us back. If there was a button in front of me that I could press and guarantee my own death, even with pain, I would press it. It is the unknown that is scary.