MiseryLovesMyCompany
Arcanist
- Oct 8, 2020
- 482
I've been thinking about writing a (little) venting for the past few days, though I couldn't really collect my thoughts for this, but I'll give it a shot anyway. I'm sure I'll leave out parts and even the existing ones won't be that great or thought-provoking. Mostly just self pity with too much personal information. I'm cringing hard right now even before posting it, maybe I shouldn't have. I've been sitting on this post for the whole day thinking about it. Oh well here it goes, worst case scenario is I'll just drink some SN out of shame lol. It's been a long time since I ate so I can do that even right now xD.
Every single day is getting harder and harder to bear. I feel like I can't go on anymore, I can't forgive myself. The soonest I can go is Tuesday morning, but I don't feel ready yet, though most of my day consists of thinking about ending it for good as soon as possible. I don't understand myself.
I cry even more nowadays and there is a constant pain in my chest like my feelings manifested into physical pain. My head and neck hurts often as well, but they might be the cause of my failed hanging attempts. Oh, and I can never experience silence with this nice thing called tinnitus which I've had for many years now. Only sleep can bring some peace except for the recurring nightmares and insomnia.
I hate every part of my existence to such an extent that every time I see myself in a mirror I get filled with disgust. I wasn't asked if I wanted to be born, not that I was planned in any way. My father just couldn't pull it out in time nor wear a fucking condom, how hard it is seriously. My mother did not go to have an abortion either, I can understand why but still. My father did not accept me as his child until the court ordered a DNA test, not that he was present much in my life.
I won't get into my childhood, but it was bad and very lonely mostly, I rarely had times in my life when I felt like a part of a group, or thought that I had real friends. This was the case later on as well. Even those who I considered close to me just left, pretty much just ghosted me. I can understand some part of it as I had times when I felt like just being alone as that was what I was accustomed to from early childhood. There are only a handful of people who somewhat care about me and even they don't seek me out often, it's the other way around.
Then I met someone (I had multiple relationships but the last one was the most important and I don't want to put my whole life story out there, every single one ended pretty disastrously) who really cared about me and after being together for so long I felt secured and glad that I can be truly loved, as that is what I craved for always. I finally felt like I started recovering mentally and thought that yeah we could manage a life together. Then things started going downhill in my life as everything just becomes harder by getting older. Looking back my underlying issues (depression, selfishness and other nice things) got the better of me before I realized what was happening. I believe that mostly I was in the wrong, I know it takes two people but just by reading older messages I realized that I behaved like an asshole at times.
After that relationship ended things started turning for the worse even faster. She was my biggest support and a part of me. I get attached strongly and easily. I'm not saying we were a perfect match but I'd say that it was close enough. Loosing her was the final nail in the coffin. My self-confidence was not going well (because of quite a few things) and after that it crashed along with my will to live. I do not think that I can be liked or loved as I can't even stand myself. I don't even notice my actions at times and can hardly control them. I was told often that I was just a robot with little empathy, and I know that I'm terrible at words when it comes to other people's feelings.
When I asked her how could she move on like that, the answer was "I suffered enough during our relationship". I'm not the same person ever since. I'm not sure if I could be in a relationship ever and have a fear of failure before I start to do anything. I mean I couldn't even kill myself multiple times. It would have been perfect if I was successful the first time, but life fucked me up once again.
Now I keep sinking my life by rarely and ineffectively doing the tasks required of me. I just try to do anything and a few minutes later my energy for that thing disappears, or just my anxiety kicks in and I start crying. Actually I've been feeling pretty exhausted for much longer, but now I'm at my wits end.
My last sanctuary is this forum. 70% of my happiness comes from seeing in the notifications that someone reacted or responded to me or just reading something funny here. I feel like I don't even deserve that. I don't deserve to be alive.
Oh, and the other 10% is opening @Maxtothemax's spoiler. I just spent like 10 minutes opening and closing it lol. I love cats! The last 20% is my cat.
Every single day is getting harder and harder to bear. I feel like I can't go on anymore, I can't forgive myself. The soonest I can go is Tuesday morning, but I don't feel ready yet, though most of my day consists of thinking about ending it for good as soon as possible. I don't understand myself.
I cry even more nowadays and there is a constant pain in my chest like my feelings manifested into physical pain. My head and neck hurts often as well, but they might be the cause of my failed hanging attempts. Oh, and I can never experience silence with this nice thing called tinnitus which I've had for many years now. Only sleep can bring some peace except for the recurring nightmares and insomnia.
I hate every part of my existence to such an extent that every time I see myself in a mirror I get filled with disgust. I wasn't asked if I wanted to be born, not that I was planned in any way. My father just couldn't pull it out in time nor wear a fucking condom, how hard it is seriously. My mother did not go to have an abortion either, I can understand why but still. My father did not accept me as his child until the court ordered a DNA test, not that he was present much in my life.
I won't get into my childhood, but it was bad and very lonely mostly, I rarely had times in my life when I felt like a part of a group, or thought that I had real friends. This was the case later on as well. Even those who I considered close to me just left, pretty much just ghosted me. I can understand some part of it as I had times when I felt like just being alone as that was what I was accustomed to from early childhood. There are only a handful of people who somewhat care about me and even they don't seek me out often, it's the other way around.
Then I met someone (I had multiple relationships but the last one was the most important and I don't want to put my whole life story out there, every single one ended pretty disastrously) who really cared about me and after being together for so long I felt secured and glad that I can be truly loved, as that is what I craved for always. I finally felt like I started recovering mentally and thought that yeah we could manage a life together. Then things started going downhill in my life as everything just becomes harder by getting older. Looking back my underlying issues (depression, selfishness and other nice things) got the better of me before I realized what was happening. I believe that mostly I was in the wrong, I know it takes two people but just by reading older messages I realized that I behaved like an asshole at times.
After that relationship ended things started turning for the worse even faster. She was my biggest support and a part of me. I get attached strongly and easily. I'm not saying we were a perfect match but I'd say that it was close enough. Loosing her was the final nail in the coffin. My self-confidence was not going well (because of quite a few things) and after that it crashed along with my will to live. I do not think that I can be liked or loved as I can't even stand myself. I don't even notice my actions at times and can hardly control them. I was told often that I was just a robot with little empathy, and I know that I'm terrible at words when it comes to other people's feelings.
When I asked her how could she move on like that, the answer was "I suffered enough during our relationship". I'm not the same person ever since. I'm not sure if I could be in a relationship ever and have a fear of failure before I start to do anything. I mean I couldn't even kill myself multiple times. It would have been perfect if I was successful the first time, but life fucked me up once again.
Now I keep sinking my life by rarely and ineffectively doing the tasks required of me. I just try to do anything and a few minutes later my energy for that thing disappears, or just my anxiety kicks in and I start crying. Actually I've been feeling pretty exhausted for much longer, but now I'm at my wits end.
My last sanctuary is this forum. 70% of my happiness comes from seeing in the notifications that someone reacted or responded to me or just reading something funny here. I feel like I don't even deserve that. I don't deserve to be alive.
Oh, and the other 10% is opening @Maxtothemax's spoiler. I just spent like 10 minutes opening and closing it lol. I love cats! The last 20% is my cat.
