It's a beautiful night, and it is raining outside. I am sick of the whole you need to achieve something to be valued, you are only worthy if you meet certain criteria, a lot of them you need to be blessed with when you are born.
In the last couple of months, I truly realized, I am unhappy as a person, but it doesn't mean I didn't have my moments. I was happy a couple of times. I realized I no longer need to fight so hard to meet other people's expectations, and make other people happy. I alway wanted to do something for myself, and I imagined it would be dying on my own accord. People were inhumanely gross, mean, hateful towards me, a lot of it came from my family. i will never forgive them for making me the way I am. I will never forgive them for manipulating me into thinking, the only way to lead life,, is to hide your true self.
I realize I gave them, and a lot of other people way too much power over me, and man abuses power, they abused me. I plan to take it back. I might not die a hero, I might be a "coward". But, at least I won't be taking anymore bullshit from them, for that matter from anyone.
I don't know if there is a God, but if there is I intend to look him in the eye, and ask why. Just why.
I intend to die. And I know, I will succeed. There is no future, because the future is just in my head, and the past is just memories which won't be important once I die, my reality dies with me. And that is a beautiful thing to realize. i do believe, the suffering ends at one point, and I am sure I am very close to my goal. I feel so ready.
In the last couple of months, I truly realized, I am unhappy as a person, but it doesn't mean I didn't have my moments. I was happy a couple of times. I realized I no longer need to fight so hard to meet other people's expectations, and make other people happy. I alway wanted to do something for myself, and I imagined it would be dying on my own accord. People were inhumanely gross, mean, hateful towards me, a lot of it came from my family. i will never forgive them for making me the way I am. I will never forgive them for manipulating me into thinking, the only way to lead life,, is to hide your true self.
I realize I gave them, and a lot of other people way too much power over me, and man abuses power, they abused me. I plan to take it back. I might not die a hero, I might be a "coward". But, at least I won't be taking anymore bullshit from them, for that matter from anyone.
I don't know if there is a God, but if there is I intend to look him in the eye, and ask why. Just why.
I intend to die. And I know, I will succeed. There is no future, because the future is just in my head, and the past is just memories which won't be important once I die, my reality dies with me. And that is a beautiful thing to realize. i do believe, the suffering ends at one point, and I am sure I am very close to my goal. I feel so ready.
