It would be best if I moved out now. *RANT*

[bianbianbianbian]

I am of age now to simply just up and leave, but my family situation makes that a little complicated, as does basically every other aspect of my life. My grades won't get me into any *good* colleges, making me regret not trying harder because I was either going through some identity crisis or battling my mental state. I've wasted my life regardless of my just becoming an adult. I have horrible social skills, self-esteem, and problem-solving skills and I've never had a real job because my mom thought I needed to focus on school more. I'm paranoid about money-spending; even buying a piece of chocolate makes me think I've spent too much in a day. I never took the time to explore my interests due to my growing up *not* being wealthy, and I don't know how to be in a romantic relationship either. I don't even know how to have sex, and the last time I kissed someone was when I was 6, maybe. I hate the way I look some days, but I think I'm getting better with that. I can't put on a lot of face makeup because of what's happened to me before. I sometimes still do want to kill myself, but I'm not sure I want it as much as I did before my first attempt. I want to live now. I want to struggle and grow and be selfish. I want to connect with people on a deeper level again, trust people and love people. I want people to know me and love me, too. I only seem to bring bad into my home and being home around certain family members is highly uncomfortable as I've had to continue to pretend to know them and pretend neither of us messed up our relationships. I think it would be best if I moved out, but my mom would never let me and my family would take it personally. I'm not prepared at all, at least financially, and I still have to find a college to go to. I don't know how to properly drive either, as I finally took the time to get my permit (yes, it's very late), and I haven't been practising driving a lot. I've been taking time to detach myself from someone I've hated for nearly 4 years now because I'm only now realizing how long it's been since I actually talked or even saw them last. I want friends and romantic and sexual life, and I want my own place with a job that I enjoy most of the year, and I want to be satisfied with myself. This is a post to prove to myself that I still have hope, and I hope it lasts for a while.

 

[Arrow]

Not doing well in highschool is so unbelievably impactful to your ability to get into good colleges that it's actually unreal. However, the good thing is that you can go into a trade instead that will give you a reliable career option. You don't need a university to become an electrician or a plumber, and not only do they make good money, they're always needed.

Being paranoid about money-spending isn't actually that bad. If anything, that's good. Because a chocolate bar really IS a waste of money, and you're probably right for thinking it is. Most people buy lots of random things they don't need that don't actually do them any service, so if you're the kind of person to be very careful about spending then that's a sign you're actually smart.

One hurdle worth getting over is the whole 'worrying about not having skills' thing. Skills are mainly attained through practice, and thus you have to not have skills before you can get skills. If you are bad as socializing or problem solving, that's fine, because all that matters is improving, even if it's subtly and over a long period of time. If you do a little better every day, great. If you suddenly mess up, just try to do better next time. Practice socializing, practice solving problems, get in the habit of it.

As for the whole sex thing, sex doesn't matter. Period. There isn't actually anything special about it it's just highly romanticized. If you want it, fine, but you should be aware that it's only a big deal if you agree with society's arbitrary obsession with it.

You have your permit now? That's very good, practice driving places. Pop a nearby restaurant into your phone's map app, let it direct you there, practice parking there, driving back, etc. Soon you'll know how to get places on your own.

Just know that life is about you and not anyone else. even in seemingly hopeless situations there are lots of little ways you can spin things around. Sometimes things will regress but those are temporary falls on a long climb upward. There is certainly hope. That's what I think.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, bianbianbianbian. I can definitely identify with there you're at right now. I borderline flunked out of high school myself, did flunk out of community college in my very first semester, and struggled for a long time with a lack of direction in my life. Honestly the better part of my early adult years were spent working dead-end fast food jobs and playing videogames to fill up the hours in between. And I also struggled with the idea of how hopeless it seemed to even get started trying to find a relationship. Honestly, aside from a few one-day meet and greets that went absolutely nowhere, I've only ever seriously dated twice in my life. And the first of those, like everything else, went absolutely nowhere. Maybe that just comes with the territory when you're an autist who behaves differently than other people think you should. Suffice to say, I'm quite familiar with the listnessness you're surely feeling right now. And it SUCKS.

I wish I had some practical advice for you on how to move forward and dig yourself out of your present circumstances, but honestly I think Arrow covered the gist of it. He's right about learning a trade skill, that's definitely a practical way forward, and one that can get you started on a career path early on, start saving up for a place to live and some of the things you want in your life. It's what I did, though not entirely of my own volition.

In my case, I ended up in nursing, but I didn't exactly seek it out. Before that, I worked in a grocery store, and prior to that it was fast food. What happened in my case was my grandma was getting close to the end of her life. She needed care that ordinary people couldn't provide, and my mom wasn't strong enough to be able to handle it anymore. She didn't want to put my grandma into a nursing home, so she sent me through a program designed to train and certify nursing assistants. It lasted about a month and cost about a grand, but when it was done, I was a certified CNA, and I was able to take care of my grandmother until she passed. After that, it just made sense to turn it into a career, and I've been doing it for almost nine years now.

My present relationship also basically fell into my lap. About ten years ago, when I was still working in a grocery store, I caught the attention of one of the other workers there. According to her, she'd been watching me for a little while, and because I was comfortable enough to be my actual self at the time instead of masking and pretending to he normal, I did something silly and stupid that cued her in to the fact that I was one of her people. After that, she asked me out, and we've been together ever since.

I think what I'm trying to get across with all of this is that sometimes you find your future, and sometimes your future finds you. It's not wholly your responsibility, and you don't need to blame yourself for not having any success making your way in the world yet. A lot of people don't for a long time, and of those who do, a lot of them just get really lucky and have the right person or the right opportunity fall into their laps at the right time, like with me. A lot of them didn't do anything to earn it or deserve it any more than anybody else, so that isn't really a standard that you should hold yourself to.

As to why you're doing all this, the reason you're posting this here and what you want out of life? Absolutely valid. You're at a point where you want to 'be selfish' as you call it, to live for yourself and forge your future, create connections with other people that can sustain you and give you a reason to hold on. You want to be known, deeply, and to understand others in the same way. All of this is as it should be, and even the parts that may seem like they are in opposition to one another, such as wanting to be selfish but also to love and be loved, they're really not. We're at our best when we are looking after ourselves for what we want and need, while also making room for other people. It's one of the paradoxes of human existence, that we're all selfish but we all need each other, and you can give and receive in equal measure at the same time.

On a personal note, I applaud you for being able to declare yourself like this. Whatever else you're experiencing, beneath the frustration and the numbness and all the conflict and trauma, you have passion. Maybe that passion can see you through! I certainly hope so. And in the meanwhile, we'll all be here to hear your frustrations whenever you need.