Wouldpecker
If only, if only.
- Oct 10, 2023
- 19
I had always thought I was smart. It was the one thing I had. I'm ugly, short, my personality's shit, I have no friends, never even kissed a girl before, and I have a family that loves me but never understood me. I hate myself, which is reasonable, as I'd hate myself even if I wasn't me. But I got good grades without trying, and people told me I was smart, so, hey, I was destined to change the world.
Flash forward to the real world and it turns out I'm actually rather stupid. Got reamed out by my boss for the third time after missing four obvious mistakes today. I've had this job for about two months. It's honestly pathetic. It's the first job I've had that pays well, and I can't even figure out how to do it properly. It's not a hard job. But I am not as talented as I was told I would turn out to be. Being talented, being special, that was the only reason I had left to live. Unfortunately, I am not truly those things. So there is no reason to live anymore.
People lie to me all the fucking time. Say I'd find people who liked me, I'd get a girlfriend, I'd find a job that was good enough and that I was good at, that I'd stop feeling like a useless, stupid piece of shit if I just reached out and got some help. Bullshit. I'm sick of being lied to.
I'm putting in the effort for two more years. Serious effort. Job, hobbies, etc. Hustling, studying, trying to change, therapy, psych meds, exercise and eating healthy, the whole nine yards. See if things change and I decide life is worth living, as I was constantly promised I eventually would (it's been almost a decade and no luck with that. I'm not holding out hope). I expect to be fired from this job because I'm too stupid to catch the most obvious mistakes. After that... eh... parents' basement, I suppose. Be a useless leech. Try to get another job. I don't spend much because nothing is enjoyable, so I do have a special fund-enough for my CTB trip and a shotgun. All saved up and waiting for me. I will go out into the woods, a place I've always loved, nice and isolated, and shoot myself. I've waited for so long. I can wait two more years.
It sounds so wonderful, to be dead. Nothing more to worry about or to think or to feel. Nothing to be scared of at all. No more dragging myself through this wasteland for no reward at all. In the end it doesn't matter. I am a thoroughly replaceable person. Not even in the grand scheme of things, as all people are. I am thoroughly replaceable right now. The only people who will miss me will be my family, and they will miss me only because I was there. They would have been better off with a different son, a different brother. Someone who liked them and who they could like back, instead of this broken, stupid alien they received. My job will hire someone else who provides more value. Anything I can do, someone else could and should do it better. It is a terrible pity. I would feel sorry for myself, if I wasn't me. Instead I am furious with my weakness.
I'm glad this site exists. I don't like posting much. But for some people, CTB is the kind option. And I am happy to be in a place where that is understood.
Flash forward to the real world and it turns out I'm actually rather stupid. Got reamed out by my boss for the third time after missing four obvious mistakes today. I've had this job for about two months. It's honestly pathetic. It's the first job I've had that pays well, and I can't even figure out how to do it properly. It's not a hard job. But I am not as talented as I was told I would turn out to be. Being talented, being special, that was the only reason I had left to live. Unfortunately, I am not truly those things. So there is no reason to live anymore.
People lie to me all the fucking time. Say I'd find people who liked me, I'd get a girlfriend, I'd find a job that was good enough and that I was good at, that I'd stop feeling like a useless, stupid piece of shit if I just reached out and got some help. Bullshit. I'm sick of being lied to.
I'm putting in the effort for two more years. Serious effort. Job, hobbies, etc. Hustling, studying, trying to change, therapy, psych meds, exercise and eating healthy, the whole nine yards. See if things change and I decide life is worth living, as I was constantly promised I eventually would (it's been almost a decade and no luck with that. I'm not holding out hope). I expect to be fired from this job because I'm too stupid to catch the most obvious mistakes. After that... eh... parents' basement, I suppose. Be a useless leech. Try to get another job. I don't spend much because nothing is enjoyable, so I do have a special fund-enough for my CTB trip and a shotgun. All saved up and waiting for me. I will go out into the woods, a place I've always loved, nice and isolated, and shoot myself. I've waited for so long. I can wait two more years.
It sounds so wonderful, to be dead. Nothing more to worry about or to think or to feel. Nothing to be scared of at all. No more dragging myself through this wasteland for no reward at all. In the end it doesn't matter. I am a thoroughly replaceable person. Not even in the grand scheme of things, as all people are. I am thoroughly replaceable right now. The only people who will miss me will be my family, and they will miss me only because I was there. They would have been better off with a different son, a different brother. Someone who liked them and who they could like back, instead of this broken, stupid alien they received. My job will hire someone else who provides more value. Anything I can do, someone else could and should do it better. It is a terrible pity. I would feel sorry for myself, if I wasn't me. Instead I am furious with my weakness.
I'm glad this site exists. I don't like posting much. But for some people, CTB is the kind option. And I am happy to be in a place where that is understood.
