It seems that the more calm I am, the closer I get

[deltaofvenus]

Part of me hopes this is a sign I'm close. I've been wanting to for about 25 years, but all my life, I'd have suicidal thoughts when I was upset and felt trapped. It's different now, I don't feel scared, I'm not angry anymore, I don't feel very sad about it. I don't even feel trapped anymore. I started a new life, I have options. But, I just don't want it anymore.

Is this really it? I know for many people, they gain the courage when they feel trapped and like there are no other options. But for a coward like me, perhaps the end is different for us. Perhaps we must reach total acceptance before we have the strength or courage to do it.

What do you think?

 

[woxihuanni]

It must be a great mental state to have. I don't think it means cowardice.

You are the polar opposite of me. I am just driven kicking and screaming to my grave. I don't want to die. All my life I'd been happy with my mortality, not scared of death at all. But being on a death row of sorts for a year has made me hate death so much that I don't even want to die a natural death. I don't want to ever die. Now THAT's a fucked up state to force SN down my gullet simply because I have nowhere to run.

 

[deltaofvenus]

It must be a great mental state to have. I don't think it means cowardice.

You are the polar opposite of me. I am just driven kicking and screaming to my grave. I don't want to die. All my life I'd been happy with my mortality, not scared of death at all. But being on a death row of sorts for a year has made me hate death so much that I don't even want to die a natural death. I don't want to ever die. Now THAT's a fucked up state to force SN down my gullet simply because I have nowhere to run.

I'm intrigued by your situation, but very sorry to hear how you are struggling. Though we are completely different on this, I think I might understand just a sliver of what that could feel like. I hope you can be kind to yourself in the mean time, friend.

 

[Moonbounce]

I feel similarly, delta.
It recent days my own apprehensions about ctb have begun to subside despite the fact that never once in my life prior had I thought this was an option for me. I always felt trapped in life. But once I saw the possibility of a way out I began to view things differently.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm intrigued by your situation, but very sorry to hear how you are struggling. Though we are completely different on this, I think I might understand just a sliver of what that could feel like. I hope you can be kind to yourself in the mean time, friend.

Thank you... Being truly kind to myself would mean ending the misery, but my lust for life is unfortunately bigger than my kindness.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Part of me hopes this is a sign I'm close. I've been wanting to for about 25 years, but all my life, I'd have suicidal thoughts when I was upset and felt trapped. It's different now, I don't feel scared, I'm not angry anymore, I don't feel very sad about it. I don't even feel trapped anymore. I started a new life, I have options. But, I just don't want it anymore.

Is this really it? I know for many people, they gain the courage when they feel trapped and like there are no other options. But for a coward like me, perhaps the end is different for us. Perhaps we must reach total acceptance before we have the strength or courage to do it.

What do you think?

I feel the same way. I'm trapped by circumstance, but knowing when and how I'm going to do it...I have no anger or sadness at all about it. Well sadness comes in small waves, but its for other people I'll leave behind, not myself. No matter which way you go, I'm glad you've got some small measure of peace for now. We all deserve a chance to breathe, even if we only find it right before death.

 

[deltaofvenus]

I feel the same way. I'm trapped by circumstance, but knowing when and how I'm going to do it...I have no anger or sadness at all about it. Well sadness comes in small waves, but its for other people I'll leave behind, not myself. No matter which way you go, I'm glad you've got some small measure of peace for now. We all deserve a chance to breathe, even if we only find it right before death.

The last sentence- that is really beautiful. I have a list of nice things I'd like to do for myself before the day. I really look forward to them now. Most of it involves being out in nature, meditating and hiking. Thank you so much for sharing <3

 

[ladolcemorte]

I can sort of relate to this, as I have felt suicidal even when things in my life were ok. (That was a long time ago...) This feeling that I just wasn't up to living.

I managed to hang on throughout that time and now I have reached a point where the circumstances of my life make it impossible to move forward. I went through a lot of anxiety- that feeling that my world is on fire, and jumping is a lesser evil than burning. But now all that anxiety has subsided and I feel very calm and at peace with my decision. This is exactly how I felt the last time I attempted.

 

[alexit]

I think it's a legitimate state, too complicated to layout but it's common.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

We all deserve a chance to breathe, even if we only find it right before death.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

when i first "attempted" (attempted is in quotes here because it borders on the line of what counts as an attempt), i did it because i felt so... cornered, for lack of a better word. i just wanted all the pain to stop, since it seemed like people wouldn't stop hurting me.

i haven't tried since then, since i'm actually planning things out instead of doing it impulsively. but those feelings of anger and hurt don't drive me to ctb anymore. rather, i just feel like this life isn't for me. i don't want to become another sheep, and i don't want to become like some of my family members. sure, i lead a relatively privileged life, but that means nothing if i can't find the will to do anything with it.

 

[alexit]

when i first "attempted" (attempted is in quotes here because it borders on the line of what counts as an attempt), i did it because i felt so... cornered, for lack of a better word. i just wanted all the pain to stop, since it seemed like people wouldn't stop hurting me.

i haven't tried since then, since i'm actually planning things out instead of doing it impulsively. but those feelings of anger and hurt don't drive me to ctb anymore. rather, i just feel like this life isn't for me. i don't want to become another sheep, and i don't want to become like some of my family members. sure, i lead a relatively privileged life, but that means nothing if i can't find the will to do anything with it.

I feel you. I know I should feel guilty because I've had luck in some areas, though bad, very bad luck with health with chronic pain. I feel like I should feel bad I want to die when so many fight to live, but then again I can't do anything about their plight. In a perfect world, my preferred method to CTB would be to transfer my life force, I guess don't know what else to call it, to someone sick.