Dainhla
"Lifetimes live to die"
- May 28, 2023
- 60
Hi again,
Today I've already vent here my worries... And after texting my boyfriend about other things ('cause I didn't want him to worry about me) I started to feel good.
I don't know why, but since this year I started having "large" episodes (about half a month) where my suicidal ideations, that sadness that overwhelms me without reason, my need to CTB,... Basically my suicidality got stronger, 'til the point where I try to CTB or feel the need to SH several times each day to feel something and try to avoid my problems.
The thing is that I was having a really long period where I didn't experience those episodes and all was great. I stopped SHing for about a month and I found someone who talk to.
But guess what?? Life is a b1cht.
Today, f*ucking TODAY, the first day in about a month that I was feeling down again and super suicidal and hopeless and all of that... He went and told me that he's living the country in a few months!!
And is not his fault of course, 'cause the decision is of his mother. That woman that doesn't care at all for his son. I didn't met her personally, but all the things that she has done to him... Idk why he still cares about her.
And I'm starting to think that maybe life doesn't want me alive. I did ask for somebody who trust, and when I feel confident of myself, confident of my future, things turn this way... And he can't even stay for my birthday, or my graduation... That day, where I had planned to CTB.
Why are things so difficult?? I know some of you are going probably through worse things, but the feeling of suddenly fall from a skycraper and being smashed into the concrete is so terrible. Like all the hope that you've recovered turns to ashes, leaving nothing but sadness.
Today I've already vent here my worries... And after texting my boyfriend about other things ('cause I didn't want him to worry about me) I started to feel good.
I don't know why, but since this year I started having "large" episodes (about half a month) where my suicidal ideations, that sadness that overwhelms me without reason, my need to CTB,... Basically my suicidality got stronger, 'til the point where I try to CTB or feel the need to SH several times each day to feel something and try to avoid my problems.
The thing is that I was having a really long period where I didn't experience those episodes and all was great. I stopped SHing for about a month and I found someone who talk to.
But guess what?? Life is a b1cht.
Today, f*ucking TODAY, the first day in about a month that I was feeling down again and super suicidal and hopeless and all of that... He went and told me that he's living the country in a few months!!
And is not his fault of course, 'cause the decision is of his mother. That woman that doesn't care at all for his son. I didn't met her personally, but all the things that she has done to him... Idk why he still cares about her.
And I'm starting to think that maybe life doesn't want me alive. I did ask for somebody who trust, and when I feel confident of myself, confident of my future, things turn this way... And he can't even stay for my birthday, or my graduation... That day, where I had planned to CTB.
Why are things so difficult?? I know some of you are going probably through worse things, but the feeling of suddenly fall from a skycraper and being smashed into the concrete is so terrible. Like all the hope that you've recovered turns to ashes, leaving nothing but sadness.
