ChemicallyCalm
I Still Don't Know Where Everything Went
- Nov 24, 2018
- 63
Speaking my story out into the void feels good sometimes, feel free to chat with me though if you like, i always appreciate a spot of company and i'm even open to being friends on discord until I CTB. it's a long story and i'm not good with words so it's quite a ramble, forgive me for that. but if you read on, thanks for listening to my story
I'm back here after almost 5 years away. I've tried to tell myself over and over that eventually things have to get better but the universe keeps proving me otherwise. I seriously have tried to recover but something wants me to crack and one of these days my body might catch up with my mind and i'll finally be gone.
** TW- SA, Grooming, Addiction. **
things have always been weird for me from the start, my birth father was a deadbeat and abandoned me so it was instilled to me early on that i am worthless and that even my most loved ones can go on to live a life without a care for me.
i had friends in school, i wasn't popular at all but i was not quite the complete loner kid either, i got by on being funny, i had at least 1 friend for 99% of my school years if not more and had a couple when i left, i had two best friends for a couple of years and i appreciate them for everything they've done for me and the good times i had but they're both gone now, we fell out of touch over the years as my friends built their families and because of what happened to me over the course of my life.
age 16, i got my first boyfriend and still had friends i saw quite often. this boyfriend was older than me (around 18/19) he was a very scary person at the time. he would self harm and make attempts to stop me from leaving him, he would scream at me, he smashed a laptop in front of me because he didn't like me and my friend talking (completely platonic, the friend was like a brother to me). he eventually broke up with me himself and left me in the pouring rain in an unfamilar town as a 16 year old female which is ridiciously dangerous. later on he made threats to kill me and cause harm to my family and told me in graphic detail to kill myself.
somewhere between 16-17 i picked myself back up, decided to open my heart and was rewarded by being assaulted. i feel like a fool as a friend warned me about the guy but i thought i was strong because i told the guy "no funny business", i was so lonely i let him coerce me into going over. i tried to push him off me multiple times until i gave up and went limp.
age 17 i was groomed by a 27 or so year old man who lied about his age and told me he was younger than that, i'm autistic and often take people at face value, who am i to say oh no way are you my age? for the longest time i brushed this off as nothing, i felt that because i was older it didn't count, other victims have told me that it DOES count, it's been a lot to come to terms with and it was terrifying the things that man asked me to do, it also made me feel so useless that he had other victims, some younger than i, that i didn't know how to help.
i pick myself back up again, age 19, someone from my school days starts talking to me and i thought things would be good.
that person stole almost a decade of my life from me. he assaulted me sexually and very occasionally physically and would not let me leave, he cheated on me and when confronted on it would just tell me to "drop it because it's in the past", he made me lose contact with all of my irl friends and family. i got very physically unwell and stopped leaving the house, he took all of my money and made me financially dependent on him. I've since got home and escaped this guy but my irl friends are GONE and attempts to reconnect haven't worked.
During my time with that man i met an online friend, he's done his best by me, texting me almost everyday for almost 2 years, i appreciate him so much but he lives in Australia and I live in the UK so hanging out is not really possible. he helped me keep my chin up but there's really only so much he can do. i feel a lot of guilt over not being able to keep myself happy and safe because it hurts my friend a lot, but he is better off without me and has so much life to live, he shouldn't be spending it worrying about me.
My aussie friend had a best friend of 7 years he knew online, that friend lived in america and went through a hell of a breakup early 2025, dude was pretty depressed and lonely so he started hanging out often with me and aussie friend. for the sake of easier typing and clarity i'll give them some fake names, Joe for Australian friend and Prince for American friend.
Prince and I found ourselves comparing life stories and venting to each other. We had an awful lot in common, disappeared dads, not many friends growing up, hardly any friends as an adult, a horrible previous relationship, the fear of abandonment, a love for music, instrument playing.
I was truly convinced this person is/was my soulmate or twin flame or whatever, nobody has come as close to being similar to me or as important to me since my very first boyfriend and Prince had far more in common with me than even him, and the bonus was Prince wouldn't scream at me.
Prince and I had so many lovely times together over several hours long discord calls with cams on, we'd chatter away while he was at the store, we even video called during a slow work day once, he introduced me to his coworkers and his mum, i introduced him to my mum too who he spoke to over the phone and clicked well with.
It was bliss, it felt like I had truly achieved something that was missing my entire life. He got me into The Garden and the twins' solo projects that I still carry with me to this day because the messages they give out and the music in general resonates with me deeply.
Prince dumped me for being "too fast" and applying too much pressure, I definitely wish I hadn't fell for him as hard as I have but the truth of things always lies somewhere in the middle, Prince was also very fast and Joe saw evidence of that. Prince was the one who asked me out in the first place, when i confessed feelings at the beginning i just expressed getting to know each other, Prince later got very domestic and even aluded to me living with him or spending a LOT of time there. I'm autistic and try to match peoples energy so I just matched that, especially as he had expressed that he felt unloved in his previous relationship.
We stayed friends, Prince didn't want anything to change- just wanted the label and pressure taken off. I should of took this as a red flag honestly and bailed but I was a stupid fool in love so of course I didn't.
He told me he would not pursue anyone. He was on a dating app days later.
Ofc I expressed feelings and fears of inadequency, of being replaced. he said sorry and that it was not his intention to replace me and that essentially i am wonderful.
One semi-drunken night he told me that he might love me and was fighting everyday with himself to accept that he does and that he wanted to be with me but was scared- i asked him the following morning once sober if he recalled saying this and if he meant it- he said yes, maybe less than a week after this he told me he wanted to try hookups and i told him to do so but not involve me and i will admit that i said it very snippy but i felt thrown under a bus and like my head had been messed with, it isnt fair to claim to love somebody and kinda wanna be with them but then to do that. those are powerful words that shouldnt just be thrown around. on a final day, still less than a week after his confession, he got sexual favours out of me and then ghosted me from then on.
maybe 2 weeks after that he had a girlfriend. my heart fucking broke into a million pieces and i haven't been the same since. i went off on him for it which i deeply regret and we had a bizarre phonecall where he snipped at me before changing the subject and... telling me we were really alike and gassing me up? before telling me he couldn't be my friend anymore. and with that he was gone.
we tried to rekindle friendship a little after that and it really didnt work out. he hates me now, we're completely no contact. the full story is so long and complicated and there's plenty of things i did wrong but he really broke me, he was so hot and cold with me that i never knew what was coming. one moment it felt like i meant everything and had so many sweet romantic gestures thrown my way and then the next it felt like i was worthless. Joe believes i've ended up trauma bonded to Prince and i don't believe he's entirely wrong with his assumuption.
several months later and i still haven't healed from this, i fell into drug addiction, i've been drinking more, i haven't been eating or sleeping properly so i'm dropping weight quite quickly. i am once again very physically ill and i've now truly accepted that this shit just doesn't get better and i'm tired of pretending it will and waiting for it to, if happiness even does come my way again something is going to happen that will destroy it anyway.
psych is just giving me the run around and won't help me- can't even just shut me up with some happy pills or numbing me into a zombie, they just kept saying they'll pass it on to the doctors and then never do, said they didnt agree with my gp on a diagnosis after nothing more than a few 15 minute chats and didn't even bother to give me any answers on what else it could be if not what my gp said. i have no local friends and at this point i don't feel safe around people anyway. my aussie friend is basically burnt out because of my downward spiral so our friendship has splintered and isnt the same anymore, i'm just back to not leaving my room and crying all time, minus the assualt this time i guess, lucky me!
i've tried online dating to replace that guy, i've tried just distracting myself with anything possible. all that helps is drugs and i can't really just take drugs for the rest of my life. i'm super sick of my family saying "oh fuck that guy, forget him" as if i wouldn't fucking do that immediatly if it were that easy.
i give up, nothing works, nothing helps, i've tried every fucking thing i can and it all just keeps coming back to me crying in my room, not eating and mourning the loss of someone who couldn't give a fuck about me anymore. I get no forgiveness nor justice or retribution. as i said when i spoke on my father, lives continue on without me, i am and always have been worthless.
this intense lonliness and constant abandonment and abuse is on top of chronic pain, mental illness, being in student debt & living on the poverty line among other things and it's too much
and that essentially and paraphrased, is my story and why i'm back here after 5 years, seeking a way out, I'm almost 29 now. I've spent 13 years of my life between attempts deluding myself that 'maybe it really will get better this time', it doesn't. 13 years of pain and my entire 20's lost. I hope I can find peace soon.
I'm back here after almost 5 years away. I've tried to tell myself over and over that eventually things have to get better but the universe keeps proving me otherwise. I seriously have tried to recover but something wants me to crack and one of these days my body might catch up with my mind and i'll finally be gone.
** TW- SA, Grooming, Addiction. **
things have always been weird for me from the start, my birth father was a deadbeat and abandoned me so it was instilled to me early on that i am worthless and that even my most loved ones can go on to live a life without a care for me.
i had friends in school, i wasn't popular at all but i was not quite the complete loner kid either, i got by on being funny, i had at least 1 friend for 99% of my school years if not more and had a couple when i left, i had two best friends for a couple of years and i appreciate them for everything they've done for me and the good times i had but they're both gone now, we fell out of touch over the years as my friends built their families and because of what happened to me over the course of my life.
age 16, i got my first boyfriend and still had friends i saw quite often. this boyfriend was older than me (around 18/19) he was a very scary person at the time. he would self harm and make attempts to stop me from leaving him, he would scream at me, he smashed a laptop in front of me because he didn't like me and my friend talking (completely platonic, the friend was like a brother to me). he eventually broke up with me himself and left me in the pouring rain in an unfamilar town as a 16 year old female which is ridiciously dangerous. later on he made threats to kill me and cause harm to my family and told me in graphic detail to kill myself.
somewhere between 16-17 i picked myself back up, decided to open my heart and was rewarded by being assaulted. i feel like a fool as a friend warned me about the guy but i thought i was strong because i told the guy "no funny business", i was so lonely i let him coerce me into going over. i tried to push him off me multiple times until i gave up and went limp.
age 17 i was groomed by a 27 or so year old man who lied about his age and told me he was younger than that, i'm autistic and often take people at face value, who am i to say oh no way are you my age? for the longest time i brushed this off as nothing, i felt that because i was older it didn't count, other victims have told me that it DOES count, it's been a lot to come to terms with and it was terrifying the things that man asked me to do, it also made me feel so useless that he had other victims, some younger than i, that i didn't know how to help.
i pick myself back up again, age 19, someone from my school days starts talking to me and i thought things would be good.
that person stole almost a decade of my life from me. he assaulted me sexually and very occasionally physically and would not let me leave, he cheated on me and when confronted on it would just tell me to "drop it because it's in the past", he made me lose contact with all of my irl friends and family. i got very physically unwell and stopped leaving the house, he took all of my money and made me financially dependent on him. I've since got home and escaped this guy but my irl friends are GONE and attempts to reconnect haven't worked.
During my time with that man i met an online friend, he's done his best by me, texting me almost everyday for almost 2 years, i appreciate him so much but he lives in Australia and I live in the UK so hanging out is not really possible. he helped me keep my chin up but there's really only so much he can do. i feel a lot of guilt over not being able to keep myself happy and safe because it hurts my friend a lot, but he is better off without me and has so much life to live, he shouldn't be spending it worrying about me.
My aussie friend had a best friend of 7 years he knew online, that friend lived in america and went through a hell of a breakup early 2025, dude was pretty depressed and lonely so he started hanging out often with me and aussie friend. for the sake of easier typing and clarity i'll give them some fake names, Joe for Australian friend and Prince for American friend.
Prince and I found ourselves comparing life stories and venting to each other. We had an awful lot in common, disappeared dads, not many friends growing up, hardly any friends as an adult, a horrible previous relationship, the fear of abandonment, a love for music, instrument playing.
I was truly convinced this person is/was my soulmate or twin flame or whatever, nobody has come as close to being similar to me or as important to me since my very first boyfriend and Prince had far more in common with me than even him, and the bonus was Prince wouldn't scream at me.
Prince and I had so many lovely times together over several hours long discord calls with cams on, we'd chatter away while he was at the store, we even video called during a slow work day once, he introduced me to his coworkers and his mum, i introduced him to my mum too who he spoke to over the phone and clicked well with.
It was bliss, it felt like I had truly achieved something that was missing my entire life. He got me into The Garden and the twins' solo projects that I still carry with me to this day because the messages they give out and the music in general resonates with me deeply.
Prince dumped me for being "too fast" and applying too much pressure, I definitely wish I hadn't fell for him as hard as I have but the truth of things always lies somewhere in the middle, Prince was also very fast and Joe saw evidence of that. Prince was the one who asked me out in the first place, when i confessed feelings at the beginning i just expressed getting to know each other, Prince later got very domestic and even aluded to me living with him or spending a LOT of time there. I'm autistic and try to match peoples energy so I just matched that, especially as he had expressed that he felt unloved in his previous relationship.
We stayed friends, Prince didn't want anything to change- just wanted the label and pressure taken off. I should of took this as a red flag honestly and bailed but I was a stupid fool in love so of course I didn't.
He told me he would not pursue anyone. He was on a dating app days later.
Ofc I expressed feelings and fears of inadequency, of being replaced. he said sorry and that it was not his intention to replace me and that essentially i am wonderful.
One semi-drunken night he told me that he might love me and was fighting everyday with himself to accept that he does and that he wanted to be with me but was scared- i asked him the following morning once sober if he recalled saying this and if he meant it- he said yes, maybe less than a week after this he told me he wanted to try hookups and i told him to do so but not involve me and i will admit that i said it very snippy but i felt thrown under a bus and like my head had been messed with, it isnt fair to claim to love somebody and kinda wanna be with them but then to do that. those are powerful words that shouldnt just be thrown around. on a final day, still less than a week after his confession, he got sexual favours out of me and then ghosted me from then on.
maybe 2 weeks after that he had a girlfriend. my heart fucking broke into a million pieces and i haven't been the same since. i went off on him for it which i deeply regret and we had a bizarre phonecall where he snipped at me before changing the subject and... telling me we were really alike and gassing me up? before telling me he couldn't be my friend anymore. and with that he was gone.
we tried to rekindle friendship a little after that and it really didnt work out. he hates me now, we're completely no contact. the full story is so long and complicated and there's plenty of things i did wrong but he really broke me, he was so hot and cold with me that i never knew what was coming. one moment it felt like i meant everything and had so many sweet romantic gestures thrown my way and then the next it felt like i was worthless. Joe believes i've ended up trauma bonded to Prince and i don't believe he's entirely wrong with his assumuption.
several months later and i still haven't healed from this, i fell into drug addiction, i've been drinking more, i haven't been eating or sleeping properly so i'm dropping weight quite quickly. i am once again very physically ill and i've now truly accepted that this shit just doesn't get better and i'm tired of pretending it will and waiting for it to, if happiness even does come my way again something is going to happen that will destroy it anyway.
psych is just giving me the run around and won't help me- can't even just shut me up with some happy pills or numbing me into a zombie, they just kept saying they'll pass it on to the doctors and then never do, said they didnt agree with my gp on a diagnosis after nothing more than a few 15 minute chats and didn't even bother to give me any answers on what else it could be if not what my gp said. i have no local friends and at this point i don't feel safe around people anyway. my aussie friend is basically burnt out because of my downward spiral so our friendship has splintered and isnt the same anymore, i'm just back to not leaving my room and crying all time, minus the assualt this time i guess, lucky me!
i've tried online dating to replace that guy, i've tried just distracting myself with anything possible. all that helps is drugs and i can't really just take drugs for the rest of my life. i'm super sick of my family saying "oh fuck that guy, forget him" as if i wouldn't fucking do that immediatly if it were that easy.
i give up, nothing works, nothing helps, i've tried every fucking thing i can and it all just keeps coming back to me crying in my room, not eating and mourning the loss of someone who couldn't give a fuck about me anymore. I get no forgiveness nor justice or retribution. as i said when i spoke on my father, lives continue on without me, i am and always have been worthless.
this intense lonliness and constant abandonment and abuse is on top of chronic pain, mental illness, being in student debt & living on the poverty line among other things and it's too much
and that essentially and paraphrased, is my story and why i'm back here after 5 years, seeking a way out, I'm almost 29 now. I've spent 13 years of my life between attempts deluding myself that 'maybe it really will get better this time', it doesn't. 13 years of pain and my entire 20's lost. I hope I can find peace soon.
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