It Literally Would've Taken So Little

[KafkaF]

I'm sure my psychologist would say that I'm sensitive to depression, and in some way I guess I am. That being said though, I've just been thinking about how little it actually takes for me to not want to kill myself anymore.

If I was still with my previous girlfriend, I wouldn't be doing it.

If I wasn't unemployed and poor, I might not be doing it.

If my writing was actually moving forward in a positive way, I might not be doing it.

If I didn't feel so freaking ugly/wasn't so freaking ugly, I might not be doing it.

If I was able to just distract myself with sex or something or, hell, even had someone to cuddle with regularly, I might not be doing it.

If I hadn't suffered emotional abuse as a child, I wouldn't be doing it.

If I'd met a different girlfriend last year who really made me happy and I was still with, I probably wouldn't be doing it.

If me and my first girlfriend had never split up, I probably wouldn't be doing it.

If I met someone new who I thought really fit me and made me happy, maybe I wouldn't do it.

If I'd never developed social anxiety and/or failure anxiety, probably wouldn't be here.

Hell, maybe if I had a bunch of really close friends I would be able to get through it, idk.

I think you get the point. There's just an endless list of things where, if a single thing on the list was fulfilled, chances are I wouldn't be here. Just a single one. Is that really asking for so much? I mean, is it really that I'm sensitive to depression or is it just that my life is fucking horrible and I don't have anything to live for while other people who don't wanna kill themselves do? Cuz I feel like this stuff gets attributed so easily to just being "mental illness" but it seems to me that it's mostly just circumstance.

I feel like if I had literally just one thing to live for, I could do it. But I just don't. I don't even really have one thing.

Idk, I feel like I have pretty low standards all things considered. And just not even a single one is being met.

 

[oddetoad]

yeah its not much keeping us here , but the funny thing is our body is designed to want to live.

it doesn't want to die, its not created to be wanting to die thats why its so hard to CTB ..

 

[huggyob]

it truly brings a tear to my eye reading over all that has happened to you in life, and i will truly never come close to experiencing all the events and circumstances which have brought you here. i usually dont trust any "diagnosis" therapists come up with after talking with you as they like me and everyone on this earth will never come close to feeling what you are feeling. the phenomenon of the cognitive chain haunts us all and usually blame ourselves for some outcomes which we had little decision to do with them.
whatever resolution you may come up with in the future should not feel wrong in your eyes - i just sincerely hope you exit this loop one way or another, best of luck to you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with you. I think a lot of 'depression' is at least triggered by and most likely sustained by unfavourable circumstances. What those are varies from person to person but we all have standards I believe and- is it really all that fair to ask someone to lower their very basic standards for a reasonable life?

Where I think the problem maybe with depression lies (if it is depression) is making us less hopeful. So- sorry to sound harsh but there are things you and all of us could be doing to at least try to improve the above problems and our own. But- they all take effort. They take self belief, confidence, hope, resilience when they may not work to keep trying.

I suppose I think that's the problem with depression/ ideation- we just want to give up. We just don't have the energy for that kind of effort anymore. We may not feel strong enough to cope with future rejection/ failure if we try and fail- again. We simply don't believe we can win anymore. We don't think the end result will be worth the effort we put in.

So- I don't think it's just that bad stuff has happened to us that makes us unhappy. Bad stuff happens to people all the time. It's when we can't pick ourselves up again that I think we have a problem- possibly depression because we simply lack hope and belief that we can realistically achieve those things again. That's my feeling anyway but I'm sorry for all the things you have lost.

 

[KafkaF]

it truly brings a tear to my eye reading over all that has happened to you in life, and i will truly never come close to experiencing all the events and circumstances which have brought you here. i usually dont trust any "diagnosis" therapists come up with after talking with you as they like me and everyone on this earth will never come close to feeling what you are feeling. the phenomenon of the cognitive chain haunts us all and usually blame ourselves for some outcomes which we had little decision to do with them.
whatever resolution you may come up with in the future should not feel wrong in your eyes - i just sincerely hope you exit this loop one way or another, best of luck to you

I think psychologists are great at diagnosing the problem and in many ways there are many effective treatments and solutions. We know this is the case because the data shows it. However, the data also shows that no psychologist or method has a 100% recovery rate. There will always be people who slip through the cracks. And who those people are, I imagine, is not so easy to identify. I can't be sure, but I believe I am one of those people.

My psychologist has helped me a lot with a lot of things, but she's a psychologist, not a miracle worker. And while she can help me psychologically, she cannot go back in time and retroactively fix my life. At the end of the day many people's depressions are mostly mental and chemical. But in my case, at least, it's just that my life is shit. And without that changing, no amount of therapy or medicine will actually make me better, I suspect. Because it can only fix mental damage, it cannot unfuck my life.

I would encourage everyone who has the opportunity to try therapy though. It has helped me a lot with my social and failure anxiety, which helped me have a few happier years too. And many people do recover and do get better. Even if I don't end up being one of them, I don't regret doing getting help.

Anyway, thank you for the empathy.