It kills me I'm going to wind up dying hating my mother.

[Sweet emotion]

My mother have had such a wonderful relationship my whole life. I'm 34. At 20 I got sick with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. So she had to take care of me because there was so much I couldn't physically do without being in unbearable pain. The last year I've noticed her attitude from the wonderful caring mother has changed. She's always mean to me when I do nothing to her. I've always been a good daughter and you would think if anyone was going to have the attitude it would be me no? This disease has stolen 14 years of my life from me. I haven't been able to do anything normal like fall in love or get married or have a job and support myself. She loves to control me. My dad died because he was an alcoholic. He told me booze was more important to him than I was. My mom and I got into a verbal arguement last Thursday that turned physical on her part. About six or seven times she got nose to nose with me with her fist balled up. I had no idea when the blow was going to come. She got so mad at me when I told her she never taught me how to do anything as a child because she wanted me dependent on her. She got up and chased me in the kitchen. I can't physically fight because this is a nerve disease and I'll be in so much pain I won't be able to stand it. So I grabbed a knife. I didn't go near her. I told her to stay away from me and not to touch me. She didn't care. She grabbed my wrist and my forearm on my right arm and squeezed both spots so badly that I thought she was going to break my arm. So I slashed at her and got her once. She didn't even notice it. She kept screaming at me to drop the knife but I wouldn't because I was scared. I didn't know what else she was going to do to me. She's hurt me many times before so I knew the pain that I was in for. She never hurt me this bad though. I have no use now of my right arm or hand. The nerve pain has traveled from the tips of my fingers to my shoulder and nothing stop the pain. She took away the little bit of Independence I had left. I love to red and write but I can't now because I can't hold the pen or the book. I'm typing with my left finger. It breaks my heart that my own mother who was with me through this whole 14 year journey would want to put me in so much pain. I'm a good daughter. She even would say I never gave her any problems. I was too good for a daughter. After she does these things to me she makes me feel like it was my fault. She tried to turn everything around like an abusive boyfriend. So I'm going to die with hate in my heart for my mother and that destroys me inside. She's sick though. When I was crying so hard when she crushed my arm because I knew the agony I was in for she looked at me like a piece of shit and just kept saying shut uuuuuup. Shut uuuuuup. It was disgusting. What she did to me was like throwing person whose in a wheelchair down the steps. She knows I can't fight back or I'll be in more pain. So we haven't talked for three days and I have to live in this tiny apartment and look at the woman who destroyed my right arm. And if I need someone I have to ask her which makes me sick to my stomach. Do you know that when she gets mad she punches herself in the head and I mean hard! Over and over and over. She stabs the table. I want to hurt her in the middle of the night when she's sleeping. I have this really heavy ashtray that would break her ankle or wrist but it's too heavy for me to pick up. How could my own. Other do this to me? So now I'm like a vegetable in my bed. It breaks my heart that I am going to die hating my mother because this I cannot forgive.she knows I've been so depressed lately and when I screamed at her how could you do this to me she looked at me with disgust in her eyes. There have been times where she's gotten mad t me in the car and she would put the car in drive and then in reverse and just keep speeding and stopping short so my body would be thrown all over the place. This was after she grabbed my left arm and did the same thing and I forgive her.i tried to call the cops while she was doing this but she grabbed the phone out of my hand. I tried to get out but she pulled me back in. I don't know what comes over her when she gets so mad over nothing. I suggest anger management for her but she tells me I'm the sick one and I need help. God forgive me for having to cut off the relationship with my mother before I end my life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's bad enough to be in such an intolerable position but to be tortured and made to hate... this makes me so angry.

 

[Rachel74]

I'll be the same with my real dad! The hate is unbelievable I have for that man!

 

[Girobatol]

You have to get out of there. Your mother is mentally ill. Do you have an option to move out of there?

 

[BPD_LE]

My mother is abusive @Sweet emotion. I moved as far away from her as I could. I now only have to deal with her once or twice a year. Sorry but she doesn't deserve you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm trying very hard not to hate my brother and sister for turfing me out of my home and effectively ending my life. I do not wish to die with hate in my heart. I want to forgive as I myself wish for forgiveNess. It is very hard though.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Escape this vile creature now! Do anything to get away from no matter the fear!

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know what it's like to be in pain all the time. It's not right for your mother to treat you that way.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Oh, honey. Reading this again breaks my heart. I wish I could take you away from that whole shitshow and let you have peace before your death. It's the very least your mother could do for you. She has some nerve grabbing you like that and then blaming you for it.. My heart and love always goes out to you and my PMs are always open for you.

 

[Jengator]

I am so sorry. I am living in so much physical pain with my illness as well and I go through the same thing with my dad. It's like he resents me and my illness is my fault.

 

[Sweet emotion]

You have to get out of there. Your mother is mentally ill. Do you have an option to move out of there?

No unfortunately I don't. And the thing is is that I need her too much. I'm physically unable to do so many things. I still don't think she grasps the magnitude of what she did to me. Physically and emotionally.

I'll be the same with my real dad! The hate is unbelievable I have for that man!

Have you ever had a good relationship with him? See that is what is making me so torn. My relationship with my mother was always so wonderful. I love her more than anyone except for my grandfather. So the fact that over the last year her attitude me has started to change just breaks my heart. I'm physically unable to use my right arm and hand now which is my dominant one. IDK how I'm going to get anything done. Well it's not her problem so she doesn't give a shit. I'm sorry this is the way it is between you and your dad. Is it really that hard to be a loving and supportive parents?

Escape this vile creature now! Do anything to get away from no matter the fear!

I wish it were so much easier than that. With my disabilities and my inability to do the mother simple things for myself I need her. Plus I don't have enough money to rent an apartment. It's just not poseible. IDK what is worse. Being alone when you're actually alone or being alone when someone is in the apartment with you. God I feel so screed up. Maybe this will give me the push I need to do this.

Oh, honey. Reading this again breaks my heart. I wish I could take you away from that whole shitshow and let you have peace before your death. It's the very least your mother could do for you. She has some nerve grabbing you like that and then blaming you for it.. My heart and love always goes out to you and my PMs are always open for you.

I know. You have become a wonderful friend to me. I actually don't want to leave any of you! You're never going to believe what I have to tell you tomorrow. That all of this was for nothing and had I not gotten upset none of this would have happened. I'll write about it tomorrow. I swear you'll die. Ok bad figure of speech but you know what I mean.
Guys you're all going to die, no pun intended at all but I just didn't know how to put it. All of this could have been avoided! I'll tell you all tomorrow. Because even I am in shock and I'm hating myself more than I've ever hated myself. Maybe this will give me the guts to get this over with.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I wanted to write to you guys because I consider you like an extended family. I wanted to tell you all why it was that we argued and now what I just did to my mother that she is going to want to kill me for but at this point I don't care. I go to pain management and my doctors are always giving my threats....either you see a therapist or no more pain meds. Either you go this doctor or you're going to be fired as a patient. So they sent me to the ENT. I have no idea why. My mother came in the room with me and she, not the doc mentioned these two drugs for me to try. He said he was going to talk to my pain management doctor about it. I looked up drugs and the side affects are too awful. So now after she opened her big pie hole, I'm terrified this doctor is going to pull the same old if you don't take these meds you're fired thing. I was scared and started crying. She said not to worry about it until Monday until I can call the ENT back and ask him to tell the docs the awful side affects and that it isn't the best thing. But I've gotten very worked up because I have been hurt a lot and I mean a lot by doctors. I'm sick of them having the power they do. So I blamed her for not being able to keep her mouth shut. Do you know one time I went to see a shrink and he said my mother is screwed up not me? I just like for her or anyone that drives me to go to the doctors with me inside the exam room because these people get to do whatever they want and there is never a witness. Plus I like a second set of ears. But all I wanted her to do was just let me and him talk and be quiet. Ok so you all know she went to break my arm after not being compassionate as to why I was upset. So today I call me doctor, the ENT, who I want to kill right now, and asked him what he said.....my stomach dropped when he said he didn't even bring up the meds like he said that day he was going to. All of this was for nothing!!!! The fighting!!! The crying!!!! The screaming!!!! My arm right now that I can't even use. It's not bruised or anything like that. It's a nerve condition so all you have to do is hold my hand and it will start giving me pain. So since she took it at two spots and tried to break it, it travelled up and down my entire arm and hand. It was all for nothing!!! And of course my mother aphad to throw that in my face. That I wouldn't even be hurting now if I didn't get upset. Uhhh no! I wouldn't be hurting right now if she didn't try and break my arm. She said like she didn't think she was crushing me hard. And the reason she did it is because I wouldn't stop getting upset. So now I'm just crushed again and I started to raise my voice. She is worried about the two jerkoff couples upstairs who have brought me a lifetime of pain and the ones net to me who wake me up in the middle of the night. I swear besides me my landlord rents to scumbags. So when she went out to smoke I looked both doors. She I telling me to let her in and I just said mom.......just watch that you dont talk too loud and upset the other Tennant's because Lord knows they mean more to you than I do. She said yeah right now they do and what can I do for you? I already hurt you. You want to keep dwelling on it. Well maybe if I cod use my arm and hand I wouldn't. This could go away or this could last forever. I never know. So I wouldn't let her in and she is trying to break the door down quietly. I said I wasn't letting her in. She told me to open the door for her so she could get her blankets and pillows and she is going to sleep in the car. Uhhh no. I'm not that stupid because before she went out to smoke she threw and elbow at me which I dodged thankfully and go in my face again with her fist balled telling me to shut up like she did that night. She doesn't give a damn about me anymore. So I fed her her blanket and pillow through the crack in the door and she's enjoying a nice autumn night out doors. I've had it with her immaturity and inability to talk whenever a problem arises. I try to talk about it so it never happens again but she sees no point. She threatened to call the cops on me and I just laughed and I said I wouldn't go there with that one. Now locking her out is rather childish and immature, I understand that. But guess what. I don't care. I'm trying to talk to her and she's repeating the same phrase over and over. You don't know how that irks me. And then shushes me like a child real close to my face. I honestly couldn't believe she got in my face again. Now I know. Now I really know. I started myself for today and I'm going to start taking my anti nausea meds. I've had this suicide letter planned out in my head for so long but I'm only leaving one to my grandfather. Wtf has my life come to? I wish we, the people of this page, could find a place where we could all live and support each other in every way we all need to be supported. Because we all deserve better and since we are all very sensitive people I think we'd be able to care for each other very well. I wish I was an avid believer in the afterlife or I wouldn't be on scared. It's nice to think we're going to see our loved ones who have passed on but I think it's going to be like it was before we were even born. We were none the wiser. But to hear that tone in her evil voice....it was just too much. To hear that she said I already hurt you and can't do anything for you so I don't want to hear anything you have to say let's me know she doesn't have an ounce of remorse. I'm going to die hating my mother. I never thought this way the way it was going to be.

Oh yeah and the part I found amusing was when everything she tried to stick her hand in the door to undo the chain locks I popped it with something. A cold night for a cold bitch. Sweet dreams mommie dearest. I swear our parents really screed a lot of us up. Why in the world though do I care that I'm making her sleep out in the cold when. She doesn't give two shits what she did to me? Like my Pop says.....you'll get over that feeling.

 

[Girobatol]

I know is a crazy idea but why not posting in the partners megathread, maybe you find someone near that can give you a hand?

 

[Sweet emotion]

I know is a crazy idea but why not posting in the partners megathread, maybe you find someone near that can give you a hand?

Give me a hand with what?

 

[tehdisturbedone]

I'll be the same with my real dad! The hate is unbelievable I have for that man!

My mother have had such a wonderful relationship my whole life. I'm 34. At 20 I got sick with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. So she had to take care of me because there was so much I couldn't physically do without being in unbearable pain. The last year I've noticed her attitude from the wonderful caring mother has changed. She's always mean to me when I do nothing to her. I've always been a good daughter and you would think if anyone was going to have the attitude it would be me no? This disease has stolen 14 years of my life from me. I haven't been able to do anything normal like fall in love or get married or have a job and support myself. She loves to control me. My dad died because he was an alcoholic. He told me booze was more important to him than I was. My mom and I got into a verbal arguement last Thursday that turned physical on her part. About six or seven times she got nose to nose with me with her fist balled up. I had no idea when the blow was going to come. She got so mad at me when I told her she never taught me how to do anything as a child because she wanted me dependent on her. She got up and chased me in the kitchen. I can't physically fight because this is a nerve disease and I'll be in so much pain I won't be able to stand it. So I grabbed a knife. I didn't go near her. I told her to stay away from me and not to touch me. She didn't care. She grabbed my wrist and my forearm on my right arm and squeezed both spots so badly that I thought she was going to break my arm. So I slashed at her and got her once. She didn't even notice it. She kept screaming at me to drop the knife but I wouldn't because I was scared. I didn't know what else she was going to do to me. She's hurt me many times before so I knew the pain that I was in for. She never hurt me this bad though. I have no use now of my right arm or hand. The nerve pain has traveled from the tips of my fingers to my shoulder and nothing stop the pain. She took away the little bit of Independence I had left. I love to red and write but I can't now because I can't hold the pen or the book. I'm typing with my left finger. It breaks my heart that my own mother who was with me through this whole 14 year journey would want to put me in so much pain. I'm a good daughter. She even would say I never gave her any problems. I was too good for a daughter. After she does these things to me she makes me feel like it was my fault. She tried to turn everything around like an abusive boyfriend. So I'm going to die with hate in my heart for my mother and that destroys me inside. She's sick though. When I was crying so hard when she crushed my arm because I knew the agony I was in for she looked at me like a piece of shit and just kept saying shut uuuuuup. Shut uuuuuup. It was disgusting. What she did to me was like throwing person whose in a wheelchair down the steps. She knows I can't fight back or I'll be in more pain. So we haven't talked for three days and I have to live in this tiny apartment and look at the woman who destroyed my right arm. And if I need someone I have to ask her which makes me sick to my stomach. Do you know that when she gets mad she punches herself in the head and I mean hard! Over and over and over. She stabs the table. I want to hurt her in the middle of the night when she's sleeping. I have this really heavy ashtray that would break her ankle or wrist but it's too heavy for me to pick up. How could my own. Other do this to me? So now I'm like a vegetable in my bed. It breaks my heart that I am going to die hating my mother because this I cannot forgive.she knows I've been so depressed lately and when I screamed at her how could you do this to me she looked at me with disgust in her eyes. There have been times where she's gotten mad t me in the car and she would put the car in drive and then in reverse and just keep speeding and stopping short so my body would be thrown all over the place. This was after she grabbed my left arm and did the same thing and I forgive her.i tried to call the cops while she was doing this but she grabbed the phone out of my hand. I tried to get out but she pulled me back in. I don't know what comes over her when she gets so mad over nothing. I suggest anger management for her but she tells me I'm the sick one and I need help. God forgive me for having to cut off the relationship with my mother before I end my life.

Have you ever tried government-subsidized housing like section 8? If your condition counts as a disability there are a lot of people out there depending on what state you are that you can get in touch with who have been paid and funded by government or private parties that will be able to get you the help you need.

My dad actually does that self punching thing exactly how you described. It's the weirdest thing to see, isn't it? What's even more uncanny is my dad used to be bad to me, one my most vivid memories is him getting tired of his hand getting sore from open palm smacking me with his left and his right over and over like a damn drum or something. Then he grabbed the pencil I was using for my math homework and proceeded to stab me in the head with it until it broke in half and then he drop-kicked me out my chair and I went flying. All because I couldn't figure out how to manipulate the equation for a sloper : y=mx+b

The last time I got into with my dad it was all because I just got back from an interview at the job I've been working at for the past two years. For whatever reason, that wasn't a good enough answer so he took off swinging on me and I ended up taking his back somehow and chocking him out. He didn't stop trying to claw my damn eyes out until he was making all those weird noises squirming for breath. I can defnietly udnerstand how you feel about them getting in your face. My dads got a couple inches and around 30-40 lbs on me and hes physically a lot largers then me and just from the way I've been conditioned to react , I can hardly leave the room when hes out and about in the home.

Did you mom flip out about having to sleep outside lol?

 

[Hadenuf]

The on!y person I hate is me and when I ctb it is because I deserve it

 

[WhiteDespair]

I wanted to write to you guys because I consider you like an extended family. I wanted to tell you all why it was that we argued and now what I just did to my mother that she is going to want to kill me for but at this point I don't care. I go to pain management and my doctors are always giving my threats....either you see a therapist or no more pain meds. Either you go this doctor or you're going to be fired as a patient. So they sent me to the ENT. I have no idea why. My mother came in the room with me and she, not the doc mentioned these two drugs for me to try. He said he was going to talk to my pain management doctor about it. I looked up drugs and the side affects are too awful. So now after she opened her big pie hole, I'm terrified this doctor is going to pull the same old if you don't take these meds you're fired thing. I was scared and started crying. She said not to worry about it until Monday until I can call the ENT back and ask him to tell the docs the awful side affects and that it isn't the best thing. But I've gotten very worked up because I have been hurt a lot and I mean a lot by doctors. I'm sick of them having the power they do. So I blamed her for not being able to keep her mouth shut. Do you know one time I went to see a shrink and he said my mother is screwed up not me? I just like for her or anyone that drives me to go to the doctors with me inside the exam room because these people get to do whatever they want and there is never a witness. Plus I like a second set of ears. But all I wanted her to do was just let me and him talk and be quiet. Ok so you all know she went to break my arm after not being compassionate as to why I was upset. So today I call me doctor, the ENT, who I want to kill right now, and asked him what he said.....my stomach dropped when he said he didn't even bring up the meds like he said that day he was going to. All of this was for nothing!!!! The fighting!!! The crying!!!! The screaming!!!! My arm right now that I can't even use. It's not bruised or anything like that. It's a nerve condition so all you have to do is hold my hand and it will start giving me pain. So since she took it at two spots and tried to break it, it travelled up and down my entire arm and hand. It was all for nothing!!! And of course my mother aphad to throw that in my face. That I wouldn't even be hurting now if I didn't get upset. Uhhh no! I wouldn't be hurting right now if she didn't try and break my arm. She said like she didn't think she was crushing me hard. And the reason she did it is because I wouldn't stop getting upset. So now I'm just crushed again and I started to raise my voice. She is worried about the two jerkoff couples upstairs who have brought me a lifetime of pain and the ones net to me who wake me up in the middle of the night. I swear besides me my landlord rents to scumbags. So when she went out to smoke I looked both doors. She I telling me to let her in and I just said mom.......just watch that you dont talk too loud and upset the other Tennant's because Lord knows they mean more to you than I do. She said yeah right now they do and what can I do for you? I already hurt you. You want to keep dwelling on it. Well maybe if I cod use my arm and hand I wouldn't. This could go away or this could last forever. I never know. So I wouldn't let her in and she is trying to break the door down quietly. I said I wasn't letting her in. She told me to open the door for her so she could get her blankets and pillows and she is going to sleep in the car. Uhhh no. I'm not that stupid because before she went out to smoke she threw and elbow at me which I dodged thankfully and go in my face again with her fist balled telling me to shut up like she did that night. She doesn't give a damn about me anymore. So I fed her her blanket and pillow through the crack in the door and she's enjoying a nice autumn night out doors. I've had it with her immaturity and inability to talk whenever a problem arises. I try to talk about it so it never happens again but she sees no point. She threatened to call the cops on me and I just laughed and I said I wouldn't go there with that one. Now locking her out is rather childish and immature, I understand that. But guess what. I don't care. I'm trying to talk to her and she's repeating the same phrase over and over. You don't know how that irks me. And then shushes me like a child real close to my face. I honestly couldn't believe she got in my face again. Now I know. Now I really know. I started myself for today and I'm going to start taking my anti nausea meds. I've had this suicide letter planned out in my head for so long but I'm only leaving one to my grandfather. Wtf has my life come to? I wish we, the people of this page, could find a place where we could all live and support each other in every way we all need to be supported. Because we all deserve better and since we are all very sensitive people I think we'd be able to care for each other very well. I wish I was an avid believer in the afterlife or I wouldn't be on scared. It's nice to think we're going to see our loved ones who have passed on but I think it's going to be like it was before we were even born. We were none the wiser. But to hear that tone in her evil voice....it was just too much. To hear that she said I already hurt you and can't do anything for you so I don't want to hear anything you have to say let's me know she doesn't have an ounce of remorse. I'm going to die hating my mother. I never thought this way the way it was going to be.

Oh yeah and the part I found amusing was when everything she tried to stick her hand in the door to undo the chain locks I popped it with something. A cold night for a cold bitch. Sweet dreams mommie dearest. I swear our parents really screed a lot of us up. Why in the world though do I care that I'm making her sleep out in the cold when. She doesn't give two shits what she did to me? Like my Pop says.....you'll get over that feeling.

A logical afterlife is how people will remember you when you're gone. Even though my experience is limited, I suspect that you made an impact on this forum and the users.

 

[BadDoctors]

I hate my mother now too. She was the one who stupidly took me directly to the psych ward after I was struggling with coping with rejection. Now I'm so mentally fucked up from all the poisonous chemicals they shoved down my throat to force me into submission. I'm barely functional now, but the poisons took away my imagination, my creativity, my focus. I feel so awful. I'm literally never ever going to get better. I just keep damaging my body more and more. I can't deal with this. I'm only 20 years old and my life is so fucking pathetic and sad.