I am a person who is really extreme in overthinking and ruminating. I am quite obsessive in both. My sister is different. Or at least she can better hide it. I think she can enjoy her life more than me. We both might be financially be really fucked. The financial deterioraton of my family will be so dramatic. I am so fucking scared. Like we both will be probably dependent on welfare. At least for me I can say that it is really unlikely that I can work. It is more likely that I am killing myself in the near future than the outcome of having a stable income.
And my parents are so fucking naive. They lie to themselves like 24/7 and they believe in this nonsense. I have explained it myriads of times that working triggers me extremely and performance pressure is devastating. My dad is in this instance even worse than my mom. But both believe in fairy tales.
I currently have enough money. My standard of living is not that high. But it is middle class or lower middle class. I don't need more than that. But in contrast being on welfare for the rest of my lifetime would probably kill me. Two therapists also had this opinion that it will/would probably kill myself.
I am so fucking scared. I am so anxious and desperate. I am spending all my energy on recovery so that I increase my chance of getting a stable income. My therapist is optimistic but I gloss over my situation on a quite high level. I would not recommend that to anyone. But honestly if I told the truth nothing would change. We both have the opinion that I should concentrate on my current problems. My responsibilites kind of distract me of my desperation. It kind of gives me hope and it feels like I could change the outcome of my life which comforts me a little bit. Though on a rational level I know how unlikely a positive outcome/ happy end is. It is kind of an ambivalent feeling.
I often try to imagine different scenarios. I try to use some heuristics to increase the likelihood that I choose the right options. It is really difficult and the pressure is insane. In so many outcomes my suicide is kind of sure. Maybe the situation is that desperate that I should be less scared about the outcome because a failure is kind of very likely anyway and I should not blame myself. This thought kind of comforts me. But it can also be a dangerous one if people become too fatalistic/ too convinced in hard-determinism.
I am thinking so much about my horrible past and my nightmarish future. I think the worst is yet to come. Maybe you could argue the time when I denied all medication was the worst time. I will probably never ever quit all my medication. Maybe you could see this as progress. Though for real another time span was even worse but I won't elaborate on that now.
I try to balance my life. It is really dangerous and scary. I often feel kind of manic. I am not sure where my limit is and when I cross the point of no return. (the beginning of a manic episode). I suppose the following. I will stretch my limits more and more till I collapse. I am bipolar it is very likely that my depressions and psychosomatic pain returns one day. This will probably the time when I kill myself. I am not sure how much time I have until that. I should "enjoy" my life till this happens. But the pressure is torturing me. There are sometimes moments I can enjoy. My life quality is way higher compared to 2-3 years ago. Though the present is not really my biggest fear. It is the knowledge that my condtion is often procceeding in cycles. Even writing this down gives me huge panic. I am so traumatized by the psychosomatic pain which I had to endure. Life can be so excruciating. I think other people would thank Jesus that the pain is gone. Me in contrast I am thinking everyday about the moment when this pain returns. And I am planning to kill myself in case this happens.
A very smart man told me that you cannot "plan life". He was a genuis. And he told me you cannot predict your future. Life is surprising you. Most of us. It is true a lot of surprising things happened after he told me that. Also very positive things. But this was never my deepest problem. My deepest problem is that the psychosomatic pain is probably a repeating phenomena and that I am probably condemned to poverty. In my bipolar self-group some have achieved to stay stable for like 10 years. If I could do that this would very very helpful. Though I have the feeling I don't have enough experience for reaching that goal.
Do you know the problem not being able to enjoy your present due to the fact your anxiety about the future or the shame about the past is tormenting you?
And my parents are so fucking naive. They lie to themselves like 24/7 and they believe in this nonsense. I have explained it myriads of times that working triggers me extremely and performance pressure is devastating. My dad is in this instance even worse than my mom. But both believe in fairy tales.
I currently have enough money. My standard of living is not that high. But it is middle class or lower middle class. I don't need more than that. But in contrast being on welfare for the rest of my lifetime would probably kill me. Two therapists also had this opinion that it will/would probably kill myself.
I am so fucking scared. I am so anxious and desperate. I am spending all my energy on recovery so that I increase my chance of getting a stable income. My therapist is optimistic but I gloss over my situation on a quite high level. I would not recommend that to anyone. But honestly if I told the truth nothing would change. We both have the opinion that I should concentrate on my current problems. My responsibilites kind of distract me of my desperation. It kind of gives me hope and it feels like I could change the outcome of my life which comforts me a little bit. Though on a rational level I know how unlikely a positive outcome/ happy end is. It is kind of an ambivalent feeling.
I often try to imagine different scenarios. I try to use some heuristics to increase the likelihood that I choose the right options. It is really difficult and the pressure is insane. In so many outcomes my suicide is kind of sure. Maybe the situation is that desperate that I should be less scared about the outcome because a failure is kind of very likely anyway and I should not blame myself. This thought kind of comforts me. But it can also be a dangerous one if people become too fatalistic/ too convinced in hard-determinism.
I am thinking so much about my horrible past and my nightmarish future. I think the worst is yet to come. Maybe you could argue the time when I denied all medication was the worst time. I will probably never ever quit all my medication. Maybe you could see this as progress. Though for real another time span was even worse but I won't elaborate on that now.
I try to balance my life. It is really dangerous and scary. I often feel kind of manic. I am not sure where my limit is and when I cross the point of no return. (the beginning of a manic episode). I suppose the following. I will stretch my limits more and more till I collapse. I am bipolar it is very likely that my depressions and psychosomatic pain returns one day. This will probably the time when I kill myself. I am not sure how much time I have until that. I should "enjoy" my life till this happens. But the pressure is torturing me. There are sometimes moments I can enjoy. My life quality is way higher compared to 2-3 years ago. Though the present is not really my biggest fear. It is the knowledge that my condtion is often procceeding in cycles. Even writing this down gives me huge panic. I am so traumatized by the psychosomatic pain which I had to endure. Life can be so excruciating. I think other people would thank Jesus that the pain is gone. Me in contrast I am thinking everyday about the moment when this pain returns. And I am planning to kill myself in case this happens.
A very smart man told me that you cannot "plan life". He was a genuis. And he told me you cannot predict your future. Life is surprising you. Most of us. It is true a lot of surprising things happened after he told me that. Also very positive things. But this was never my deepest problem. My deepest problem is that the psychosomatic pain is probably a repeating phenomena and that I am probably condemned to poverty. In my bipolar self-group some have achieved to stay stable for like 10 years. If I could do that this would very very helpful. Though I have the feeling I don't have enough experience for reaching that goal.
Do you know the problem not being able to enjoy your present due to the fact your anxiety about the future or the shame about the past is tormenting you?
