Currently my brain is almost melting down because of the trans-woman who I complimented. Almost nothing has happened so far and I am extremely over-thinking/ analyzing the whole thing. Women are clearly my achilles heel. Even more than studying. It makes me very sad. My brain ruins everything in this relation and on this matter it rather seems to get worse than better. I took a benzo and will take a sleeping pill. I am not sure how close I am to a new manic episode but there are some serious warning signs. I hope the emergency medication helps. I will probably not see her for a while. I hope my brain calms down in the meanwhile.
When I was a teenager I underestimated mental illness so fucking much. For me it seemed to be illogical that someone cannot stand up from bed. Now I experienced this quite often and it is absolutely overwhelming sadly in the bad sense.
Bipolar is an extremely powerful illness. It gives me so much energy and ideas. Probably one reason why I can write so much in this forum. Though usually this illness proceeds in cycles. So I prepare myself to kill me when the next collapse emerges. It is probably only a matter of time.
I have to say it is really extremely stunning how strong this illness and the thoughts/feelings can be that are accompanied by it. I can remember when I had extreme depression 25 mg seroquel (I think it was roundabout that dosage - so extremely low) made me bed-ridden. Really I barely could move. I had to focus my energy on going to the toilet life was really hellish.
Currently I am (allegedly not 100% sure tbh) in no episode. Some months ago I took 150 mg seroquel so six times so much as prior and other mood-stabilizers/antipsychotics. And their impact on me is so mild. It is insane. When I had major depression I barely could move with a little bit of medication and felt numb. And currently I take so fucking much medication to stay "stable" and it barely has impact on my mood. I wished the medication would be more powerful. There are some reasons why I just cannot increase it to an infinite amount of medication. I don't know how this will end. The topic that can trigger me the most is love and women. I think I have an extreme inner urge to find a partner. Though my brain ruins every attempt utterly. I am not meant to be happy. I will probably kill myself and I don't see any way around that. I am fighting like an idiot but the hand I have been dealt with is disastrous.
My goal is to channel the energy of bipolar into something productive. Either college or writing threads. There is the quote of a popular writer. "Krise ist ein produktiver Zustand. Man muss ihr nur den Beigeschmack der Katastrophe nehmen" It is hard to translate but I will try. "Crisis is productive state. Though one has to take it the taste of a catastrophe." I really like that quote. My whole life is a crisis but I am quite sure I won't be able to take it the taste of a catastrophe.
I try as good as possible to avoid mania. My psychiatrist said she is convinced I am not in an episode. I am not sure how close I am. The pressure I do to myself is so insane. I never ever want to experience this extreme psychosomatic pain again.
It is really insane how powerful one's mind can be. I think many average people underestimate the power of mental illness and the extreme constant pain it can cause. Many professionals say they are against assisted suicide for mentally ill because one barely can predict the outcome. But why should I not be the one who can decide when my limit is reached? I tried so fucking much, I am suicidal since a decade. I had some good days within the last 2 years. But I was always convinced that when the pain returns I need to ctb. The pain is way way too strong. And my life quality and future are horrendous.
When I was a teenager I underestimated mental illness so fucking much. For me it seemed to be illogical that someone cannot stand up from bed. Now I experienced this quite often and it is absolutely overwhelming sadly in the bad sense.
Bipolar is an extremely powerful illness. It gives me so much energy and ideas. Probably one reason why I can write so much in this forum. Though usually this illness proceeds in cycles. So I prepare myself to kill me when the next collapse emerges. It is probably only a matter of time.
I have to say it is really extremely stunning how strong this illness and the thoughts/feelings can be that are accompanied by it. I can remember when I had extreme depression 25 mg seroquel (I think it was roundabout that dosage - so extremely low) made me bed-ridden. Really I barely could move. I had to focus my energy on going to the toilet life was really hellish.
Currently I am (allegedly not 100% sure tbh) in no episode. Some months ago I took 150 mg seroquel so six times so much as prior and other mood-stabilizers/antipsychotics. And their impact on me is so mild. It is insane. When I had major depression I barely could move with a little bit of medication and felt numb. And currently I take so fucking much medication to stay "stable" and it barely has impact on my mood. I wished the medication would be more powerful. There are some reasons why I just cannot increase it to an infinite amount of medication. I don't know how this will end. The topic that can trigger me the most is love and women. I think I have an extreme inner urge to find a partner. Though my brain ruins every attempt utterly. I am not meant to be happy. I will probably kill myself and I don't see any way around that. I am fighting like an idiot but the hand I have been dealt with is disastrous.
My goal is to channel the energy of bipolar into something productive. Either college or writing threads. There is the quote of a popular writer. "Krise ist ein produktiver Zustand. Man muss ihr nur den Beigeschmack der Katastrophe nehmen" It is hard to translate but I will try. "Crisis is productive state. Though one has to take it the taste of a catastrophe." I really like that quote. My whole life is a crisis but I am quite sure I won't be able to take it the taste of a catastrophe.
I try as good as possible to avoid mania. My psychiatrist said she is convinced I am not in an episode. I am not sure how close I am. The pressure I do to myself is so insane. I never ever want to experience this extreme psychosomatic pain again.
It is really insane how powerful one's mind can be. I think many average people underestimate the power of mental illness and the extreme constant pain it can cause. Many professionals say they are against assisted suicide for mentally ill because one barely can predict the outcome. But why should I not be the one who can decide when my limit is reached? I tried so fucking much, I am suicidal since a decade. I had some good days within the last 2 years. But I was always convinced that when the pain returns I need to ctb. The pain is way way too strong. And my life quality and future are horrendous.
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