3ndmym1sery
Member
- Aug 26, 2023
- 33
i have a brother thats 6 years older than me, im 20 and hes 26 and ive been extremely envious of him since he first left this house for university, which i think was when he was 19 or 20, how old i am now. i think its so unfair how he got to leave and i didnt. the only reason he was able to leave is because hes lucky. sure he studied hard and got good grades whatever, but hes also extremely lucky. hes a guy and in this country when youre a guy everything happens in your favour. always. when youre a girl its the complete opposite of that. he went to school, and had friends, dated people while i was in my room rotting alone unable to go to school unable to talk to anyone unable to even leave the fucking house by myself, because im a girl and have the worst fucking luck ever. i never fit in at school, got bullied not just by the students but also the teachers, wasnt tough enough to handle it at the time and didnt even know about the suffering i would have to go through if i stop going to school, if only i had known then what i know now. i would have gotten that fucking teacher fired, i would have told those kids to go throw themselves in front of a bus, i would have gotten good grades, and i would be out of here and free right now. i wish i could go back in time but i cant. i broke down crying today because my brother came to visit yesterday for a week or so and i sat there listening to my piece of shit dad talk to my brother about politics shit and say sexist stuff, throwing around words like "sisterfucker" or whatever, and talking to him about his interview, about his career, about what country he should go to, and i was just in my room listening to this shit feeling so worthless. i dont even get to leave my fucking room and this motherfucker gets to leave the country. my dad and mom treat him like an actual fucking person. everyone else too. after this my dad came to my room asking for his phone because he plugged it in my charger and i yelled at him and told him to get his own charger, and stupid bastard was like "thats my fucking charger i paid for it not you" and i was like "how am i supposed to pay for it what money do i have?!" and i started crying after that. i couldnt help it. he started talking about the fucking pills again, with himself too, he left my room and he was like "wont take the pills, wont try counceling, i cant deal with this" i fucking tried therapy, its all i did my entire life. let these mental health doctors experiment on me, go sit in their little offices and talk to them about stuff they were never able to help me with. i realized these fuckers cant help me so its pointless. my problem isnt that im sick its that i have a terrible fucking life. i cried for a while after that then fell asleep. im awake again and wish i wasnt. sleep is my only escape. i wish it wasnt so temporary.
