I live in the same house as my mom. When I left my old apartment she said there is an available apartment. I think I was angry about the fact that it is in the same house because she kept that fact as a secret for a long time before I moved in. However I was extremely depressed, partly paranoid and very instable to that time so I agreed on it. More and more the apartment is not mine anymore. My grandmother visits us often, also my sister and my mom needed a space for homeoffice and told her employer that she could do her job in my apartment. I was really angry. Though I am really dependent on my family.
I already considered to search another place but for that I have to become more independent. There are also other reasons. I can always only focus on one thing. My brain is very weird. It would be hard to do all the duties without help. I am very instable. And no this has not changed. I have become a bit more stable since I am taking the medication but still fragile as fuck.
So I have to share my apartment with my family. I hate this so much. My family abused me as a child and that caused multiple mental illnesses. My grandma blamed me for the death of my grandfather. This incident was really tragic. There was an argument between me my mom, my grandma and me about the abuse. They wanted me to move out because I were so unthankful. In the end my grandfather died when he witnessed our argument. I think he had developed dementia..still a tragedy. I had a close relationship with him. The rest of the family all blame me till today. I am glad I never meet them.
The relationship with grandma is very weird since then. In general I became a bit strange. I think due to the isolation for several years and my psychosis which made me somehow socially awkward/ and kind of not fully sane.
Meeting my family reminds me of all the abuse. My grandma still doubts that the breeding caused anything. Despite the fact my sister also got severly ill. Granny believes working is the most important thing in life. My mother internalized that and even abused me to work harder. That is the reason why working makes me ill as an adult. This is all so cynical and ironic. My grandma was always so proud of me because I worked so hard. Yeah I was trained for that I could not even stop when it made me suicidal. I worked even more when I develpoed my psychosis. My therapist thought this was fully unbelievable.
Now I am surrounded by the people who killed me. (okay the bullies are also responsible). The people why I will live in poverty and probably will never have a partner. And I have to play as if everything was okay. And we are all a happy family. Fuck that. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I sit next to them. I extremely despise that feeling. They give me a lot of presents/gifts because they feel sorry. But this damage is done. And it is irreversible.
I already considered to search another place but for that I have to become more independent. There are also other reasons. I can always only focus on one thing. My brain is very weird. It would be hard to do all the duties without help. I am very instable. And no this has not changed. I have become a bit more stable since I am taking the medication but still fragile as fuck.
So I have to share my apartment with my family. I hate this so much. My family abused me as a child and that caused multiple mental illnesses. My grandma blamed me for the death of my grandfather. This incident was really tragic. There was an argument between me my mom, my grandma and me about the abuse. They wanted me to move out because I were so unthankful. In the end my grandfather died when he witnessed our argument. I think he had developed dementia..still a tragedy. I had a close relationship with him. The rest of the family all blame me till today. I am glad I never meet them.
The relationship with grandma is very weird since then. In general I became a bit strange. I think due to the isolation for several years and my psychosis which made me somehow socially awkward/ and kind of not fully sane.
Meeting my family reminds me of all the abuse. My grandma still doubts that the breeding caused anything. Despite the fact my sister also got severly ill. Granny believes working is the most important thing in life. My mother internalized that and even abused me to work harder. That is the reason why working makes me ill as an adult. This is all so cynical and ironic. My grandma was always so proud of me because I worked so hard. Yeah I was trained for that I could not even stop when it made me suicidal. I worked even more when I develpoed my psychosis. My therapist thought this was fully unbelievable.
Now I am surrounded by the people who killed me. (okay the bullies are also responsible). The people why I will live in poverty and probably will never have a partner. And I have to play as if everything was okay. And we are all a happy family. Fuck that. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I sit next to them. I extremely despise that feeling. They give me a lot of presents/gifts because they feel sorry. But this damage is done. And it is irreversible.
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