zombiegirl
the living dead
- Aug 17, 2023
- 133
i didn't think there was really a "scale" to suicidality, but the older i've grown the stronger the urge is to kill myself.
when i was in my mid teens, most of the suicide attempts i made were cries for help. i would tell someone i swallowed a bottle of pills, or panic and call 911 while i'm bleeding out in the bathtub. my mental health has been a disaster for as long as i can remember. the abuse started when i was a fucking baby so i didn't really get a fair start like some people. i've just always been living in fight/flight mode. and there comes a point where it gets too much.
when i think of dying, and being at peace--whatever the afterlife is, even if it's nothing at all--i feel excited. euphoric. hopeful. i didn't use to feel that way. i felt scared or hurt or angry. but now, after these dozen or so attempts, i can't seem to figure out my next move. because i know this next attempt is going to be the last. this next attempt is something i need to make sure succeeds. not an attempt, but a success.
i can sense i'm going to die soon. and i'm grateful. i've acknowledged there are things on this earth that i cherish--my family, my hobbies and interests, etc, and i'm lucky to have those things before i go, to have that comfort. childhood memories have been returning to me. i've been feeling nostalgic, been feeling dream-like for a couple months now, but it really intensified after my last remaining friend (my best friend since middle school) left me because of my mental health. i guess i can't blame him. i put him through all the god damn shit you can think of with my suicide attempts, violent self harm, substance abuse, eating disorders, emotional abuse.
in this country, in this world, with my financial and living situation, i can't see myself living much longer. and i sure as hell don't want to. my only dream is honestly for something catastrophic to happen to the world, i'm talking apocalypse level, and for me to either die in the first wave or get to live a life that at least has thrills and danger. i'd put my life on the line not giving a shit if i live or die, as long as i get some excitement yknow
when i was in my mid teens, most of the suicide attempts i made were cries for help. i would tell someone i swallowed a bottle of pills, or panic and call 911 while i'm bleeding out in the bathtub. my mental health has been a disaster for as long as i can remember. the abuse started when i was a fucking baby so i didn't really get a fair start like some people. i've just always been living in fight/flight mode. and there comes a point where it gets too much.
when i think of dying, and being at peace--whatever the afterlife is, even if it's nothing at all--i feel excited. euphoric. hopeful. i didn't use to feel that way. i felt scared or hurt or angry. but now, after these dozen or so attempts, i can't seem to figure out my next move. because i know this next attempt is going to be the last. this next attempt is something i need to make sure succeeds. not an attempt, but a success.
i can sense i'm going to die soon. and i'm grateful. i've acknowledged there are things on this earth that i cherish--my family, my hobbies and interests, etc, and i'm lucky to have those things before i go, to have that comfort. childhood memories have been returning to me. i've been feeling nostalgic, been feeling dream-like for a couple months now, but it really intensified after my last remaining friend (my best friend since middle school) left me because of my mental health. i guess i can't blame him. i put him through all the god damn shit you can think of with my suicide attempts, violent self harm, substance abuse, eating disorders, emotional abuse.
in this country, in this world, with my financial and living situation, i can't see myself living much longer. and i sure as hell don't want to. my only dream is honestly for something catastrophic to happen to the world, i'm talking apocalypse level, and for me to either die in the first wave or get to live a life that at least has thrills and danger. i'd put my life on the line not giving a shit if i live or die, as long as i get some excitement yknow
