Venting It feels weird to be depressed without being suicidal

[be-easy]

I'm not used to feeling like this, usually it's either being okay or desperately wanting to end myself. Right now I feel terrible but suicide doesn't feel like an option.
I've been suicidal my whole life, I think at some point the thought of ending it all started to be comforting. It seemed like the only way to end my suffering. I didn't have the energy to deal with any of my problems and it made me feel so helpless.
And here I am, actually doing something to make my life better. Part of me wants to go back to being miserable because that's what I'm used to. I feel lost.

 

[tenshi]

i think i get what you mean--for me, my relationship with suicide has been like a weirdly comforting net i'd always thought i could fall back on? like in a terrifying, hopeless, last-resort kind of way. even if it's the very final option, i think it still felt comforting to *have* it as an option in the first place, right? i'm sorry if i'm coming across like im romanticising suicide or smth--that's not my intention at all. at the peak of my suicidality, i never had the energy for anything and i would fall so behind compared to my peers and everything would continue to pile up and pile up; the only way i could pull myself out of that spiral was to think that, since i was going to ctb anyways, there was no point in trying, because i'd be dead soon anyways.

now that i'm living through that "soon", and i've realized that i don't feel that same craving for death anymore, it all feels very strange. trying to better my life (even if it feels like a sisyphean effort lol) is really fucking annoying and/or difficult sometimes. regardless, i'm proud of you for making it this far :-) i don't know your exact situation, but it seems like you've gone through a lot, and i really respect you for that! i think the fact that you're doing things and taking action is a huge improvement!!

sorry lol didn't mean to ramble i'm a little tired rn... i hope some of it resonates with you though
tldr: i have confidence you'll find smth that makes you want to keep going!! just keep taking each day at a time, you're doing great ^^