yearsoflonliness
Member
- Apr 4, 2024
- 50
I purchased my gun this week.
It was just like any other day. I woke up. I put some clothes on. I walked the dogs.
Then I went to the gun store. It was a nice place. I'd never been in a gun store before. I was very nervous. I asked them questions about the guns. I was quite scared and timid handling them. I got to hold 3 different ones, but I already knew which one I wanted.
It was very easy. They didn't question me. I was in and out within an hour. It felt wrong to spend that much money on a single item but I won't have any use for money soon.
I dropped the gun off at home. I don't even have to hide the box. My mom gets surprised at things that I have had in my room for months that I keep in plain sight.
I went to school. I was the only one in class because the other girl that is usually there gave up last week and dropped it. I don't know why I keep going. It makes me feel like such a failure. I'll never pass either.
I got to the parking lot and the moment I was in my car I just broke down. The sadness just crashed into me so unbelievably hard.
There's something definitely wrong with my brain. By the time I got home, I felt even more numb than usual. I don't feel sad or happy. I don't even feel like ctb'ing anymore, even though I know I will still go through with it as planned. It's like something snapped and I've gone deeper than ever before.
Today I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared that someone like me can exist. Someone that has absolutely nobody looking out for me. Someone that is truly alone/isolated.
I'm scared because I know what I'm capable of. I know that I can overcome my fears. I know that I won't have any problems pulling the trigger on myself. I'm afraid that I was right all along; that nobody actually cares about me. Because if they did, they'd be here for me. They'd be wondering what I'm up to. My teachers and professors would have asked if I was ok when I cried in their classrooms. They would have asked about why I was failing, and how they could help. In the past 8 years, if anyone had wanted to, they could have befriended me. They didn't. I know I tried so hard to befriend them. My mom could have noticed and tried to help me. All of the car rides back from high school when I flat out told my mom every day that my day had gone 'fine' in the most depressed tone possible. But no, she just pretended I was fine and talked with my brother instead. And I almost cried in frustration asking my brother to help me too. He just laughed and didn't think my words meant anything. When I told my coworkers I wasn't doing that well, they did nothing. When my performance tanked, my boss just asked me "what's the problem?" in a very annoyed manner. And of course, even they eventually just let me go. And the one and only person I eventually managed to become 'friends' with that ultimately didn't care about me, and didn't even try to understand me. Downplayed my issues just like my brother. Just wanted to "wait until you get over whatever this is" and abandoned me. Even the banks have no clue about me. They just send me congratulation emails on how well I've managed my credit. Truly no one cares.
I still felt numb when I started writing this but now I'm angry. I've got that hopeless sick to my stomach feeling. I'm definitely going to ctb when the time is right. Just waiting on things to line up and put my plan into action now.
It was just like any other day. I woke up. I put some clothes on. I walked the dogs.
Then I went to the gun store. It was a nice place. I'd never been in a gun store before. I was very nervous. I asked them questions about the guns. I was quite scared and timid handling them. I got to hold 3 different ones, but I already knew which one I wanted.
It was very easy. They didn't question me. I was in and out within an hour. It felt wrong to spend that much money on a single item but I won't have any use for money soon.
I dropped the gun off at home. I don't even have to hide the box. My mom gets surprised at things that I have had in my room for months that I keep in plain sight.
I went to school. I was the only one in class because the other girl that is usually there gave up last week and dropped it. I don't know why I keep going. It makes me feel like such a failure. I'll never pass either.
I got to the parking lot and the moment I was in my car I just broke down. The sadness just crashed into me so unbelievably hard.
There's something definitely wrong with my brain. By the time I got home, I felt even more numb than usual. I don't feel sad or happy. I don't even feel like ctb'ing anymore, even though I know I will still go through with it as planned. It's like something snapped and I've gone deeper than ever before.
Today I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared that someone like me can exist. Someone that has absolutely nobody looking out for me. Someone that is truly alone/isolated.
I'm scared because I know what I'm capable of. I know that I can overcome my fears. I know that I won't have any problems pulling the trigger on myself. I'm afraid that I was right all along; that nobody actually cares about me. Because if they did, they'd be here for me. They'd be wondering what I'm up to. My teachers and professors would have asked if I was ok when I cried in their classrooms. They would have asked about why I was failing, and how they could help. In the past 8 years, if anyone had wanted to, they could have befriended me. They didn't. I know I tried so hard to befriend them. My mom could have noticed and tried to help me. All of the car rides back from high school when I flat out told my mom every day that my day had gone 'fine' in the most depressed tone possible. But no, she just pretended I was fine and talked with my brother instead. And I almost cried in frustration asking my brother to help me too. He just laughed and didn't think my words meant anything. When I told my coworkers I wasn't doing that well, they did nothing. When my performance tanked, my boss just asked me "what's the problem?" in a very annoyed manner. And of course, even they eventually just let me go. And the one and only person I eventually managed to become 'friends' with that ultimately didn't care about me, and didn't even try to understand me. Downplayed my issues just like my brother. Just wanted to "wait until you get over whatever this is" and abandoned me. Even the banks have no clue about me. They just send me congratulation emails on how well I've managed my credit. Truly no one cares.
I still felt numb when I started writing this but now I'm angry. I've got that hopeless sick to my stomach feeling. I'm definitely going to ctb when the time is right. Just waiting on things to line up and put my plan into action now.
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