3ndmym1sery
Member
- Aug 26, 2023
- 34
hey, i posted here in august asking how to kill myself, i was really desperate to die and just wanted out of this life already but didnt know how i could do it because of my situation. i finally decided i would just not eat again until i died. it sounded easy. i used to barely eat back then anyway, id eat like 300 calories per two or three days, i hated my body and wanted to lose weight and would look at a lot of thinspo and stuff, so anyway i figured it wouldnt be too hard, and in about a month or so id be dead. i dont remember how long i didnt eat for, i just remember laying in bed being passed out most of the time and i barely had the energy to get up to go to the washroom to pee, i stopped shitting completely, which i didnt care about. and then one day i was laying there just waiting for death, i couldnt even move, by then i stopped drinking water too because i figured i was just prolonging the dying process by drinking water, so my mouth was so dry i couldnt close it, and my body was so weak i couldnt even really turn to the side, i was just laying on my back, i couldnt keep my eyes open for more than a minute, and then my mom and people from the mental hospital broke into my room and even though i was incredibly weak i still tried to fight them, as soon as i saw them i knew they were about to ruin my months worth of effort and suffering very conveniently in less than a day so i stood up and kicked one of the women in her stomach, there were 3 or 4 of them and when i kicked her i fell back on my bed and they all grabbed me and injected me with some sedative or something which didnt even work i was still very much conscious. i remember screeching, it was like no one could hear me at all no matter how much noise i made, i was telling my mom id eat and to help me but she didnt, and then they all dragged me out of my room, i kept grabbing anything i could grab a hold of, the door knob, my bed, anything, i tried to make myself heavy so they wouldnt be able to pick me up and i would just stick to the floor somehow, which didnt work of course, and they put me in a van and held me down, i felt like i was suffocating, and took me to the mental hospital and treated me like i was absolutely worthless for 2 weeks, drip fed me, gave me pills, when i refused the pills then they injected me with the same medicines forcefully and it was so traumatic the way they did it, it was obvious they didnt see me as a person, just some animal or something they were supposed to keep alive and drugged up so i wouldnt create too much trouble for them, i would cry at night, it was a terrible hospital, i cant explain how awful it was, the bed was really high and the fans were so loud like a helicopter and everyone would be sleeping in the same room and it would be dark with just some light there and i was completely alone and it was just terrifying. id pace back and forth for hours, id cry silently so no one would hear me so they wouldnt drug me up even more, and then around 5 am id lay down and pretend to be asleep because thats when they all woke up and i needed them to think i was asleep all night, and then during the day i would just sit in a really uncomfortable plastic chair for hours upon hours, my butt would hurt so much, but it was better than the bed. id pace back and forth when i got too tired of sitting down, theyd feed me awful oily shit 3 times a day, i could feel myself getting fatter every day, but if i said anything they would have told me its all in my head and diagnosed me with something new and given me more pills so i kept it all to myself, the bathrooms were terrible, there was a large ass lizard in there once, theyd check my blood pressure after every another hour i fucking hated it, and theyd check my pulse and if there was a problem with my pulse or bp theyd make me drink juice and eat 2 bananas, which i hated. they let me out after 2 weeks and now im alive and miserable and have all this trauma and dont know what to do, i just feel so alone
