Venting it cant just keep going on like this

[idkwhoIam]

I wish I could just fade away. I've gone so long with no motivation to do anything. I don't want to do anything but can't bring myself to end it all. I spend my days just staring at my computer fidgeting and making up new projects to occupy my mind because the moment I have nothing to do I break down. I don't even know why. I don't know what's wrong with me I just don't like who I am as a person and am too paranoid to make any decisions. I am going to waste away one of these days. I've mostly stopped eating at this point but I don't want to cause anyone any concern. I feel so stupid I am such a coward the only self harm I can bring myself to completing is just punching walls until my knuckles bleed but people notice that, I've been trying to play it off but I'm so stupid and a horrible liar I don't want any of them to know. I just wish I had a method so I could feel like I have some amount of control left in my life.

sorry for how stilted this whole thing is I've been thinking a lot and just want to vent to no one.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it really can be so dreadful feeling trapped here but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[idkwhoIam]

Aight fuck me. This shit has gone on too long.
I thought I had a bit of a support system going,
Thought I could try to be happy again,
Right when I was the most happy,
She told me she was only friends because she thought if she wasn't I would kill myself,
WELL JOKES ON YOU I'm going to buy a knife now because of you. It is going to go straight into my hand so that I can feel a fraction of the pain that I deserve for being such a burden on this whole damned world.
I think that any chance of change or recovery is out the window now.
She was literally my entire support system and then suddenly drops "Oh yeah you've been ruining my life" like how can I morally keep helping myself through you if whenever I help myself I hurt you. I don't want to see her tomorrow. I don't want to be here tomorrow. I don't have to be here tomorrow.
The worst part is that it is entirely my fault. I can't blame them for not wanting to take on the burden of my pain. That's not their responsibility. I have to carry my pain and eventually die with it only ever expressed in like two forum posts and a few late night ramblings that only succeeded in bringing down the mental state of the person I was ranting to. I'm done with humans. I am such an embarrassment and a disappointment. I feel like the only people I can talk to without having to feel the guilt of making there day worse is, you all here and notepad. FUCKING NOTEPAD. I am literally doing less than talking to a wall I am talking to a file on my computer because the only time I feel safe is when I'm behind this LCD screen where I don't have to worry about anything outside of my two headphones and I can just let the world pass me by until I inevitably fall off this mortal coil. I'm sorry if you've read this long I need to go research some methods and put on a bright smile because I feel like I finally know how to deal with this world.