confusion
Member
- Apr 26, 2024
- 13
I haven't been on here in a while. I have wanted to ctb for maybe 5/6 years now? I can't honestly say I don't still dream about it. When something goes wrong, my mind still rushes to remind me of the "only" way out. But it's different than before.
Last year, I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. I failed at everything. I missed school for months and laid crying in my bed. Countless self harm relapses and weeks spent staring at the walls. I had no friends. My family didn't care much. I attempted to hang myself and passed out for a few seconds before finding myself back on my floor, gasping for air. I didn't try again because I was terrified. I absolutely hated myself. I avoided mirrors and people. Couldn't stand to be seen, looked at. For months I was stuck there. In autumn, I finally began feeling a bit better. Not good - but better.
I started going to school again. I still failed lots, but I passed enough to stay in school. For a while, I still had no friends. I am extremely introverted and I think I'd benefit from an anxiety diagnosis. I couldn't talk to people. But slowly and surely, people started getting used to seeing me in classes, in hallways, in cafés. It started off as simple smalltalk and acquaintances, but now, even though I have lost all my old friends, I now have new ones. I suddenly had people to talk to in class. I got coffee with a friend. I eventually celebrated my birthday with 10 people.
I started going to the gym again. Not a lot, not even every week. Just occasionally. I started riding my bike to places. I lost some weight. I went places. Went to a new year's eve party. Had sleepovers. Got drunk out in the city. Tried and failed to stop smoking. Had guys flirt with me. Kissed some people. Did my makeup again. Bought new clothes instead of rotting in my comfort sweatpants (though I still do that.. and nothing will stop me).
It's almost summer now. It's not all great. I still do cut myself regularly because I get so overwhelmed with life. Can't wear shorts on the hottest days of the year. Barely any short sleeves. I get comments rather often. I hate talking about the past few years and especially last year. That's why I don't (at least with people that I know). But I've learned to exist somehow. I have a life. It all took so much time and it happened so slowly. But now that I look back, I am fucking amazed. How did I get here? I am alive and even a little happy.
I do feel very guilty about being "better" now. I feel as though I've faked all of it. Like the past years either never happened or like I've wasted them all with feeling sorry for myself. But it was so much more and so much worse than that. Like I said, it's not all great - I still get sad quite often and sometimes, I have to force myself to get up and out of this hole that I keep digging for myself. I've also been doing research rather than wallowing in my mental chaos. I think I may be autistic. Socially and developmentally, it would clear some things up. But all the research has helped me try and regulate myself a bit better, which, I think, has also contributed to this absolute fucking miracle that has given me a life again.
I understand that this won't help by itself. Especially for people with struggles much more significant than mine, like actual mental disorders and disabilities, poor living conditions, no family... But I just wanted to try and be a little encouraging. And hopefully not sound like motivational speakers that have never felt sad a day in their life. I hope this can be of help to someone. Good luck everyone and try to be present in your life. Just try and show up to life every once in a while. You don't have to miss out. If you have no one to cheer you on, fuck them!! No one has to cheer. But it helps to try and remember that you are a person. Not just a sad tiny pebble of existence. You can always try something new. Or old. It's never too late. There's always a way. Life may not be how you want it to be and it may never be that way. But it can be better than it is now. Promise!
If anyone needs to talk, I'll always listen. Please just also tell me wether you want advice or just someone to listen, because I cannot seem to interpret those things correctly. Can't help it. But I am genuinely willing to help in any way I can.
Last year, I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. I failed at everything. I missed school for months and laid crying in my bed. Countless self harm relapses and weeks spent staring at the walls. I had no friends. My family didn't care much. I attempted to hang myself and passed out for a few seconds before finding myself back on my floor, gasping for air. I didn't try again because I was terrified. I absolutely hated myself. I avoided mirrors and people. Couldn't stand to be seen, looked at. For months I was stuck there. In autumn, I finally began feeling a bit better. Not good - but better.
I started going to school again. I still failed lots, but I passed enough to stay in school. For a while, I still had no friends. I am extremely introverted and I think I'd benefit from an anxiety diagnosis. I couldn't talk to people. But slowly and surely, people started getting used to seeing me in classes, in hallways, in cafés. It started off as simple smalltalk and acquaintances, but now, even though I have lost all my old friends, I now have new ones. I suddenly had people to talk to in class. I got coffee with a friend. I eventually celebrated my birthday with 10 people.
I started going to the gym again. Not a lot, not even every week. Just occasionally. I started riding my bike to places. I lost some weight. I went places. Went to a new year's eve party. Had sleepovers. Got drunk out in the city. Tried and failed to stop smoking. Had guys flirt with me. Kissed some people. Did my makeup again. Bought new clothes instead of rotting in my comfort sweatpants (though I still do that.. and nothing will stop me).
It's almost summer now. It's not all great. I still do cut myself regularly because I get so overwhelmed with life. Can't wear shorts on the hottest days of the year. Barely any short sleeves. I get comments rather often. I hate talking about the past few years and especially last year. That's why I don't (at least with people that I know). But I've learned to exist somehow. I have a life. It all took so much time and it happened so slowly. But now that I look back, I am fucking amazed. How did I get here? I am alive and even a little happy.
I do feel very guilty about being "better" now. I feel as though I've faked all of it. Like the past years either never happened or like I've wasted them all with feeling sorry for myself. But it was so much more and so much worse than that. Like I said, it's not all great - I still get sad quite often and sometimes, I have to force myself to get up and out of this hole that I keep digging for myself. I've also been doing research rather than wallowing in my mental chaos. I think I may be autistic. Socially and developmentally, it would clear some things up. But all the research has helped me try and regulate myself a bit better, which, I think, has also contributed to this absolute fucking miracle that has given me a life again.
I understand that this won't help by itself. Especially for people with struggles much more significant than mine, like actual mental disorders and disabilities, poor living conditions, no family... But I just wanted to try and be a little encouraging. And hopefully not sound like motivational speakers that have never felt sad a day in their life. I hope this can be of help to someone. Good luck everyone and try to be present in your life. Just try and show up to life every once in a while. You don't have to miss out. If you have no one to cheer you on, fuck them!! No one has to cheer. But it helps to try and remember that you are a person. Not just a sad tiny pebble of existence. You can always try something new. Or old. It's never too late. There's always a way. Life may not be how you want it to be and it may never be that way. But it can be better than it is now. Promise!
If anyone needs to talk, I'll always listen. Please just also tell me wether you want advice or just someone to listen, because I cannot seem to interpret those things correctly. Can't help it. But I am genuinely willing to help in any way I can.
