Venting Isolated and misunderstood

[borderline-feline]

I've noticed that in a lot of situations, people jump to particular conclusions when I talk about my favorite person. It's happened at least half a dozen times on this forum alone, and it confuses me to no end. I don't think that the way I talk about him communicates that I'm in any sort of danger or that my relationship is unhealthy, but I keep hearing those sentiments.

"I belong to him. I am his property. I want to be his pet. He's the most important person in my life. I can't die without his permission. I would kill myself if he left me."

None of those statements feel abnormal to me. They're my honest feelings, and they're honest descriptors of my situation.

I guess I just don't understand the thought processes there, and that makes me feel isolated. It becomes difficult for me to open up at times because I'm afraid that I'll be misunderstood. I'm afraid that the one piece of happiness in my life, my relationship with my favorite person, will always be seen as a giant red flag to people, and I don't even understand why people view it that way.

I must be communicating things poorly to cause people to think my relationship is unhealthy because of simple and mundane statements that I think many other people would honestly say about one of their loved ones.

 

[Memoka]

Your FP thinks same way about u?

 

[looking_for_peace]

because it's unhealthy to base your entire self-worth & identity on another person. does your partner know you feel this way? I would feel a lot of pressure in his position. I'm in no position to judge, I'm just saying you shouldn't be surprised when people are disturbed by this. it IS a giant red flag, even if you love each other.

 

[harpy]

While the kind of love you describe sounds like an ideal kind of love for me, I've made the experience that for other people this kind of dependence/codependence is not love.

"I belong to him. I am his property. I want to be his pet. He's the most important person in my life. I can't die without his permission. I would kill myself if he left me."

But especially these sentences make people wonder if that person manipulates you somehow to make sure you don't go anywhere but them.

 

[FuneralCry]

This is why I believe that it's for the best not to open up about what we go through as communication certainly leads to misunderstandings and this can be very frustrating. Of course other people could never understand as they aren't in the same situation and they cannot experience life the same way.

 

[borderline-feline]

Your FP thinks same way about u?

My favorite person doesn't have BPD, so he doesn't have the same thought processes as I do. He's not suicidal and doesn't live in constant fear of being abandoned.

because it's unhealthy to base your entire self-worth & identity on another person. does your partner know you feel this way? I would feel a lot of pressure in his position. I'm in no position to judge, I'm just saying you shouldn't be surprised when people are disturbed by this. it IS a giant red flag, even if you love each other.

Of course he knows how I feel. He doesn't feel pressure over the way that I feel.

I don't base my self-worth on him, because I'm worthless. The only thing of value that I can do for the world is make my favorite person happy, but even then, I still end up causing a lot of problems for him.

As for identity, I don't HAVE an identity. I shouldn't be considered a person and CAN'T fully be considered a person because I have no identity. I'm his property; his pet. He wants an equal partnership, but I will still belong to him regardless.

It's not even remotely a red flag. People are allowed to be disturbed by things, but that discomfort doesn't make them right. I'm venting about how much it hurts for people to make judgments about me and my favorite person without knowing anything about either of us, and it feels as though you're doing the exact thing that I'm talking about.

I understand that you probably have the best of intentions, but your execution isn't helping.

While the kind of love you describe sounds like an ideal kind of love for me, I've made the experience that for other people this kind of dependence/codependence is not love.

But especially these sentences make people wonder if that person manipulates you somehow to make sure you don't go anywhere but them.

This is not codependence. A codependent relationship involves a dependent and an enabler. He doesn't enable me to be dependent on him.

He's not capable of manipulation. He doesn't live in constant fear of being abandoned, so he has no reason to either. Anyone who could possibly come to the conclusion that my favorite person is manipulating me clearly hasn't listened to a damn thing I've said.

I'm venting about the fact that people keep misrepresenting my words to say the most awful things about the most kindhearted person to ever exist.

 

[harpy]

This is not codependence. A codependent relationship involves a dependent and an enabler. He doesn't enable me to be dependent on him.

I did not know which it was, so i put both as options because you're clearly very dependent on him.

He's not capable of manipulation. He doesn't live in constant fear of being abandoned, so he has no reason to either. Anyone who could possibly come to the conclusion that my favorite person is manipulating me clearly hasn't listened to a damn thing I've said

From what you said before this is not an obvious conclusion and people often just hear the parts they want and ignore everything else. Furthermore i don't think all people that are being manipulated are aware of being manipulated so they have at least some kind of reason not to trust your words completely.

 

[Archness]

If he died would you follow suite?

If you're only alive for his sake, only awake to make him happy... That seems a bit yandere-ish.

Yandere's cool and all, but IRL it's a huge red flag. Not rly a good thing to be.

Or perhaps you're trying to sound passionate but come off as desperate/obsessed with that person.

 

[borderline-feline]

If he died would you follow suite?

If you're only alive for his sake, only awake to make him happy... That seems a bit yandere-ish.

Yandere's cool and all, but IRL it's a huge red flag. Not rly a good thing to be.

Or perhaps you're trying to sound passionate but come off as desperate/obsessed with that person.

I have BPD, so I would personally say I'm kind of a yandere. Personally, I see a lot of myself in Matsuzaka Satou from Happy Sugar Life, or maybe I see a lot of her in myself.

If he died, then I wouldn't have a reason not to catch the bus.

I don't get how it's a red flag if I'm not hurting him.

From what you said before this is not an obvious conclusion and people often just hear the parts they want and ignore everything else. Furthermore i don't think all people that are being manipulated are aware of being manipulated so they have at least some kind of reason not to trust your words completely.

That's the problem. People jump to conclusions about my relationships and assume that I'm in danger instead of just asking for clarification. There aren't any red flags in my relationship, but people constantly assert that there are.

 

[Archness]

I'm kind of a yandere.

What a lucky guy, IRL yandere gf (lol).

He knows you have these feelings and keeps you around? Makes me wonder what kind of guy that is. Hopefully you like em' so much because they're kind and understanding and not manipulative.

 

[harpy]

That's the problem. People jump to conclusions about my relationships and assume that I'm in danger instead of just asking for clarification.

People always jump to conclusions, that's just how people think. Most people you meet are very prejudiced against one thing or another because they posess surface level knowledge of it and decide what they think about it based on that.

 

[SexyIncél]

"I belong to him. I am his property. I want to be his pet. He's the most important person in my life. I can't die without his permission. I would kill myself if he left me."

None of those statements feel abnormal to me. They're my honest feelings, and they're honest descriptors of my situation.

Your relationship sounds totally cool. Just to satisfy my curiosity, what makes him so genteel and noble? Could you describe him, so I may learn from him? And what led him to become that? His thought processes or life philosophies?

You once said he didn't even want to treat you like his pet iirc. The opposite of a red flag

Anyway I totally agree. I don't even try to talk here about why I aggressively needed to CTB, nor what crazy thing saved me at the last minute. I'm sure most would think it nice and move on, but a few vocal ones would just act horrified, name-call me or god knows what

Far too often, people give opinions and advice based on patterns they've seen before. Swearing up and down that I'm in danger or evil or irrational. But they rarely look for all the possibilities of the situation. They use reasoning to eliminate possibilities -- but not increase them

 

[Hellokitty3333]

I relate so much to this, it is hard to communicate to people how I feel about my bf because he is also my favorite person. I would definitely be dead if it were not for him and every time I can not talk to him for an amount of time I get really bad mentally and physically. He knows about all my feelings and is okay with it but I feel forever guilty about my obsession with him. But I simply do not care for other people's opinions on how unhealthy it is or if I am a walking red flag. I can not help but feel completely devoted to him and without him, I have no purpose. He is the only reason I am alive and can have any amount of happiness. I am sorry people also give you shit about just being honest about your feelings. I definitely think you can have a healthy relationship regardless of others' opinions. I wish you lots of happiness with him and that he also treats you well!

 

[Memoka]

Let's be clear. Why do you think you're worthless?
And... It seems to me that such an attitude could well harm a person.
What to do with guilt if he wants to end your relationship.
It's all in your head, you're worth something, organs :)
And you can really not touch this topic when communicating with other people.
Do they often tell you this? I mean similar obsessions. Its hard

 

[borderline-feline]

Let's be clear. Why do you think you're worthless?
And... It seems to me that such an attitude could well harm a person.
What to do with guilt if he wants to end your relationship.
It's all in your head, you're worth something, organs :)
And you can really not touch this topic when communicating with other people.
Do they often tell you this? I mean similar obsessions. Its hard

I am worthless. Other people refuse to acknowledge that reality, and I'd prefer if you didn't derail this thread by focusing on that one thing. It alreafy happened with a different thread I made, and the issue I was having was completely overshadowed by the tantrum that someone had in it.

There's no "ending" our relationship, just redefining it. If he didn't want to be romantically involved with me, then we would just become best friends.

Who is this "they" that you're talking about?

 

[Memoka]

I am worthless. Other people refuse to acknowledge that reality, and I'd prefer if you didn't derail this thread by focusing on that one thing. It alreafy happened with a different thread I made, and the issue I was having was completely overshadowed by the tantrum that someone had in it.

There's no "ending" our relationship, just redefining it. If he didn't want to be romantically involved with me, then we would just become best friends.

Who is this "they" that you're talking about?

"I think im worthless" Maybe. Ok.
Thats pretty good u can be friends with him. More promising.
"They" - Other people.
If you don't want to change anything.
Just try not to tell everyone about your obsession.
Everyone has things that are better left unsaid.
And this is clearly one of them.
Can u get pleasure from talking not about your feelings for FP?

 

[borderline-feline]

"I think im worthless" Maybe. Ok.
Thats pretty good u can be friends with him. More promising.
"They" - Other people.
If you don't want to change anything.
Just try not to tell everyone about your obsession.
Everyone has things that are better left unsaid.
And this is clearly one of them.
Can u get pleasure from talking not about your feelings for FP?

I'm primarily talking about on this forum. My favorite person comes up a lot when I post here, and people assume that I'm being abused, which is really hurtful.

I need to be able to vent about my reasons for wanting to die without those kinds of judgements, and that's why I came to this forum in the first place.

People SHOULD tell me that I'm worthless instead of lying to me.

Your relationship sounds totally cool. Just to satisfy my curiosity, what makes him so genteel and noble? Could you describe him, so I may learn from him? And what led him to become that? His thought processes or life philosophies?

You once said he didn't even want to treat you like his pet iirc. The opposite of a red flag

Anyway I totally agree. I don't even try to talk here about why I aggressively needed to CTB, nor what crazy thing saved me at the last minute. I'm sure most would think it nice and move on, but a few vocal ones would just act horrified, name-call me or god knows what

Far too often, people give opinions and advice based on patterns they've seen before. Swearing up and down that I'm in danger or evil or irrational. But they rarely look for all the possibilities of the situation. They use reasoning to eliminate possibilities -- but not increase them

In all fairness, you've interacted with me in other threads, so I think you've probably seen more context than the people who like to make such judgments.

 

[Memoka]

People SHOULD tell me that I'm worthless instead of lying to me.

You're not. If thats True. Why your partner still with u? Why can't you believe him?

I'm primarily talking about on this forum. My favorite person comes up a lot when I post here, and people assume that I'm being abused, which is really hurtful.

I need to be able to vent about my reasons for wanting to die without those kinds of judgements, and that's why I came to this forum in the first place.

What about other resources, do you have hobbies?
I just want to help, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

 

[Rob1984]

I don't think that the way I talk about him communicates that I'm in any sort of danger or that my relationship is unhealthy, but I keep hearing those sentiments.

"I belong to him. I am his property. I want to be his pet. He's the most important person in my life. I can't die without his permission. I would kill myself if he left me."

None of those statements feel abnormal to me. They're my honest feelings, and they're honest descriptors of my situation.

I mean, there are problems with some of those quotes. First, you are sub-humanizing yourself. When you say you belong to someone or are their property, you are objectifying yourself. This is how people used to talk about their slaves when slavery was a thing. It's important you realize why this would concern people if you expressed these ideas. In a lot of abusive relationships, this is the exact mindset of the submissive person who is being controlled. NOW, I am not saying this is your situation; I obviously don't know your situation. But when you say "none of those statements feel abnormal to me"... well, you should be aware of why these are not healthy things to say *IN MOST SITUATIONS*. I really want to make it clear- I am not judging your particular situation. I'm just explaining why some of what you are saying would cause red flags for majority of people, and for very good reason, because you are expressing ideas/feelings that people do when they are in a toxic relationship.

 

[borderline-feline]

You're not. If thats True. Why your partner still with u? Why can't you believe him?


What about other resources, do you have hobbies?
I just want to help, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

I'm not gonna budge on the issue of worthlessness.

All of my hobbies are centered in media consumption, which in turn just makes me want to do things that I'm not capable of doing (drawing & writing). That in turn reminds me of my worthlessness because I can't do anything right.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

most people dont understand bpd or what its like to have a favorite person (or even know what a fp is). as someone with bpd myself, i used to be in a similar relationship with my fp and felt the same way about it even tho other ppl judged me. i dont think theres anything wrong with that kind of relationship as long as its consensual and mutually respectful.

 

[borderline-feline]

I mean, there are problems with some of those quotes. First, you are sub-humanizing yourself. When you say you belong to someone or are their property, you are objectifying yourself. This is how people used to talk about their slaves when slavery was a thing. It's important you realize why this would concern people if you expressed these ideas. In a lot of abusive relationships, this is the exact mindset of the submissive person who is being controlled. NOW, I am not saying this is your situation; I obviously don't know your situation. But when you say "none of those statements feel abnormal to me"... well, you should be aware of why these are not healthy things to say *IN MOST SITUATIONS*. I really want to make it clear- I am not judging your particular situation. I'm just explaining why some of what you are saying would cause red flags for majority of people, and for very good reason, because you are expressing ideas/feelings that people do when they are in a toxic relationship.

My point is that people need to learn to either not express that concern or to express that concern in a way that isn't infantilizing. I would know if I was in an abusive relationship, because I've been abused before. Past abuse is why I am the way that I am; it's the reason why I have BPD.

I'm worthless. I should be dehumanized. The only life I consider to be worth living is a life as my favorite person's housecat. I WANT to be his pet.

 

[Memoka]

I'm not gonna budge on the issue of worthlessness.

All of my hobbies are centered in media consumption, which in turn just makes me want to do things that I'm not capable of doing (drawing & writing). That in turn reminds me of my worthlessness because I can't do anything right.

It takes a lot of effort to learn something. Check some authors and their full path to glory. Basically, you just have to do more. Write or draw or whatever. Nothing comes right away.
And even if it is not possible to achieve something in this. You can't call such person useless.
Try cooking?

 

[borderline-feline]

most people dont understand bpd or what its like to have a favorite person (or even know what a fp is). as someone with bpd myself, i used to be in a similar relationship with my fp and felt the same way about it even tho other ppl judged me. i dont think theres anything wrong with that kind of relationship as long as its consensual and mutually respectful.

As I've become more open about my mental health issues, I've grown to realize just how misunderstood and stigmatized BPD is. That's part of why I decided to include my BPD diagnosis in my username, as that lets people know why I am the way that I am when it comes to obsessive love, dependence, and fear of abandonment.

It takes a lot of effort to learn something. Check some authors and their full path to glory. Basically, you just have to do more. Write or draw or whatever. Nothing comes right away.
And even if it is not possible to achieve something in this. You can't call such person useless.
Try cooking?

I've tried to learn to write and draw. I can't do it. I get too overwhelmed. I wasted $400 on a drawing tablet that I can't return anymore because no one would affirm my incompetence, so I clung to a stupid dream that I just want to get rid of.

Cooking isn't something I have any interest in because most foods are inedible. I have sensory issues, and I don't eat meat, so my diet is very restricted. Learning to cook would be a waste of time since I wouldn't be able to do anything with that knowledge.

 

[Memoka]

I'm worthless. I should be dehumanized. The only life I consider to be worth living is a life as my favorite person's housecat. I WANT to be his pet.

Ok. U just WANT to be worthless. Like comforting yourself that way.
Like i said earlier. You can't change how people feel about your obsession. Just try not to talk about it.

 

[borderline-feline]

Ok. U just WANT to be worthless. Like comforting yourself that way.
Like i said earlier. You can't change how people feel about your obsession. Just try not to talk about it.

I believe we've reached an impasse.


I don't want to be worthless; I just am worthless.

It doesn't matter how people feel about my relationship; it matters whether or not people treat me like shit over it. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or feelings; I just want people to stop treating me like I'm a child in an abusive relationship. It's infantilizing and just waters down what abuse is.

I can't stop talking about my relationship on this forum, because it directly relates to why I haven't killed myself yet. It's consistently relevant because my BPD is relevant to everything I talk about on here, so it's naturally gonna come up. I also don't think that I should have to stop talking about my relationship to get people to stop jumping to ridiculous conclusions and making offensive accusations.

 

[Memoka]

I believe we've reached an impasse.


I don't want to be worthless; I just am worthless.

It doesn't matter how people feel about my relationship; it matters whether or not people treat me like shit over it. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or feelings; I just want people to stop treating me like I'm a child in an abusive relationship. It's infantilizing and just waters down what abuse is.

I can't stop talking about my relationship on this forum, because it directly relates to why I haven't killed myself yet. It's consistently relevant because my BPD is relevant to everything I talk about on here, so it's naturally gonna come up. I also don't think that I should have to stop talking about my relationship to get people to stop jumping to ridiculous conclusions and making offensive accusations.

I'm not talking about this forum. I think this is the last place to expect ridiculous conclusions and accusations.
Do you have friends/acquaintances not from here?

 

[SexyIncél]

In all fairness, you've interacted with me in other threads, so I think you've probably seen more context than the people who like to make such judgments.

Well, if we're counting my previous observations... I didn't want to rudely mention this, but it may give you more insight why people refuse to "learn to either not express that concern or to express that concern in a way that isn't infantilizing"

In the worst thread I've seen on this site, you were part of the humiliating pile-on against an asian guy desperate for an asian companion. I'm not observing you in particular, just that I talk privately with sasu members about themes discussed here. We assessed various actors in the spirit of understanding people better

We don't vent publicly here, because some people just aren't chill about an OP's desires and needs. Even those who should know better


You self-identify as worthless. Sure, I shouldn't contradict that. Basic respect. Even if it's paradoxical because you say you "should be dehumanized" and "don't HAVE an identity". It's irrelevant how we discuss or disrespect you, because you're a worthless identity-less non-human morally capable of being property

Unless it pisses off your owner, but you don't currently have one. He refuses to own you iirc. You say it's "really hurtful" that people assume you're being abused, but the right to abuse property is literally part of the mainstream definition of property

But this is a strange reality. If a rock demands respect, why not? Stranger things happen

 

[borderline-feline]

Well, if we're counting my previous observations... I didn't want to rudely mention this, but it may give you more insight why people refuse to "learn to either not express that concern or to express that concern in a way that isn't infantilizing"

In the worst thread I've seen on this site, you were part of the humiliating pile-on against an asian guy desperate for an asian companion. I'm not observing you in particular, just that I talk privately with sasu members about themes discussed here. We assessed various actors in the spirit of understanding people better

We don't vent publicly here, because some people just aren't chill about an OP's desires and needs. Even those who should know better


You self-identify as worthless. Sure, I shouldn't contradict that. Basic respect. Even if it's paradoxical because you say you "should be dehumanized" and "don't HAVE an identity". It's irrelevant how we discuss or disrespect you, because you're a worthless identity-less non-human morally capable of being property

Unless it pisses off your owner, but you don't currently have one. He refuses to own you iirc. You say it's "really hurtful" that people assume you're being abused, but the right to abuse property is literally part of the mainstream definition of property

But this is a strange reality. If a rock demands respect, why not? Stranger things happen

I did speak in that thread, but I don't recall humiliating anyone, as I chose to hold my tongue. I stated that asking someone out until they say yes is harassment and that there's nothing wrong with being single. I pointed out that the OP of that thread needs to stop focusing so much on the fantasy of having an Asian girlfriend, which is a strange specificity to begin with, and instead accept himself. Being in a relationship wouldn't've done anything to fix his problems.

I refer to myself as property in the way that someone might call a pet their property. No one has a right to abuse a pet, in fact, the people who abuse animals deserve to end up on the business end of a shotgun.

It's hurtful when people assume that I'm being abused because of what it says about my favorite person. He's a gentle person who genuinely couldn't even bring himself to hurt an insect because he loves them so much. That kind of mischaracterization is objectively immoral because it paints someone in an inaccurate light.

 

[SexyIncél]

I stated that asking someone out until they say yes is harassment and that there's nothing wrong with being single. I pointed out that the OP of that thread needs to stop focusing so much on the fantasy of having an Asian girlfriend, which is a strange specificity to begin with, and instead accept himself. Being in a relationship wouldn't've done anything to fix his problems.

Yes, we agree that was your position. You firmly disagree with his self-reported perspective, like others here disagree with yours. And that was after someone literally started laughing at him; the pile-on already began

fwiw I think that companionship can obviously cure people's loneliness. Just like you being someone's pet can conceivably be healthy for you

It's hurtful when people assume that I'm being abused because of what it says about my favorite person. He's a gentle person who genuinely couldn't even bring himself to hurt an insect because he loves them so much. That kind of mischaracterization is objectively immoral because it paints someone in an inaccurate light.

Even if it were objectively immoral (I'm not sure it is), they don't seem to mischaracterize him. Your original post certainly didn't explain his nature. Also, their views critiqued you more than him. And a "red flag" is just a general warning, not a concrete statement of someone's nature