I am a terrible irredeemable unloveable piece of shit. Keeps me up at night. Makes me want to die. I am not a good person to say the least
I know this might not be what you want to hear (especially given what site we're on) But no one is unlovable. I have changed and when the time draws closer to ctb for me I'll post publicly about all the terrible things I've done. I can't redeem myself to those who matter. But, personally I think that's drastically different than being irredeemable. I'm sorry to say that all of my selfish and poor decisions in my life all amounted to me trying to feed a hunger in my youth that instead consumed me.
I realized much too late that my anhedonia is always going to be a part of me. If I knew then what I know now things would of been different.
But, in my ignorance I tried to feel the hole inside my soul with everyone and everything.
If, I had actually loved myself; I would of loved them better.
I know it might be confusing for me to mention both how selfish I was and how I didn't love myself in the same sentence, but they're drastically different.
I've made peace with my sins. I've forgiven myself in a sense... but this life is just... disgusting. An endless routine of working to life, and for what?
A studio apartment? I've had a two story house before and really, I can't really explain what is different between the two and being homeless (which I was as well)
Other than a bed. There's so much that I wanted to do, that I'm trying to do now, not because I think it'll prolong my life or amount to anything,
but because I want to leave with as little regret as possible. But geez... I honestly don't know how tf to write a note to my girlfriend. That's going to be a bitch.
I'm pretty sure "opps." Is not worth even the paper it's written on. Although, at least to me i'd be pretty funny. There's nothing anyone can say or do to stop us from destroying ourselves. What we've broken we have to fix. And well, I have tried for 3 years, and all I've done is upset "normal" people.
Anyway, I hate myself, 100% because of who I was, and I just hate my old self more than I love my new self. Honestly, only thing I've been remotely interested is in Mortal Kombat 1. Isn't that childish?
I do sort of REALLY want to burn my hands with battery acid but I don't know how to hide it and keep it from getting infected before this check drops.
I am an awful, useless person. I am a waste of space, resources, everything. This world would be a much better place if I had never been born.
Out of general curiosity , might I ask why? You can answer publicly or privately, if you want. I want to sort of learn what led others to this point. It's interesting.
In my youth I had my moments, but since then I think overall the karmic dial has moved to the positive side. In other words, I think when I leave this planet, I will generally be leaving it better than when I arrived.
I understand this. I believe in heaven, but for me it has nothing to do with purification, but more of I want to have the past me as unrecognizable as possible in my mind. I want to ctb, but I don't want the old me to ctb, I want to "end" the old me, before I leave this world. IF that makes sense lol.
I'm much younger than you are and I've just barely reached adulthood this year, but I've ruined lives and I'm not exaggerating when I say that. I've been both the abused and the abuser, I hurt someone real bad when I was 12 and I continued to do so with others well into my early to mid teens.
It took me longer than it should have to realize how shitty I was, but by then it was already too late.
How do you live when nothing feels real? That's something I have yet to figure out myself, and I'm sure I never will given how I've been severely depressed and suicidal since before I was 10.
How do you make amends? You can't, at least not always. No one is owed forgiveness, that's something I had to learn the hard way. But I'd argue being forgiven by those you hurt isn't all that necessary to do better.
How do you move on? Your situation is a lot different than mine obviously, so I'm afraid what worked for me would likely not work for you. But do know that regret is something that will likely always hover over you to some extent, you just learn how to manage it so it doesn't fuck you over as much as it once did.
I've heard forgiving yourself is a vital step to moving on from people who have done far more heinous things than you or I, but I'm not sure if I personally can do that.
I'm sorry if you weren't looking for advice and your questions were just a part of your venting.
I don't know any better than you do and I hope this didn't come off that way, a lot of this advice was mostly for me I guess as I struggle greatly with guilt myself. It's a constant tug of war between yourself to live like this, but I'm sure you know that exhaustion more than I ever could.
Regardless, I hope you find peace within yourself one day, be it in life or in death. I'm sorry life has led you here, but I suppose it's better than being left alone in your thoughts, at least I hope so anyway.
Redemption isn't possible for everyone, but that's okay I think, so long as we never hurt anyone else again. What's done cannot be undone, all I can do is try and do better until I die and hope that at the end of my life, the bad things I've done will pale in comparison to the good I've managed.
I doubt it ever could, but I still feel compelled to try, even though I know it's irrational and ultimately just a vain attempt to make myself seem better than I actually am.
I like your responses in a lot of ways I feel that discussion alone really helps with understanding.
Thank you to all the people who've replied (so far and to come) I'd love to talk with all of you tbh, you're all very interesting people with valid feelings and opinions.
Unfortunately, I can't reply to everyone while giving everyone the adequate attention and energy they deserve, but I'll read every comment.
I think life and death are philosophical topics that deserve to be explored without a filter.
Things like how can someone have an abortion and yet it's illegal if I try to ctb? This world is fucked up. And I think everyone deserves to form their own opinions and feel their emotions (or lack of) unadulterated. Despite what choices we make in regards to if they end their story or write a new chapter,
I just hope you all know that you're not alone. I could be Freddy Krueger turned Mrs. Rodgers, or a pseudo Jeffery Dahmer, or just a fucking generic carbon copy bastard son of a bastard son. It's the internet, so who knows?
But, that's for me to know and to reveal in time. If you can see the beauty in your pain than do so, or if you're just waiting for the last grey sky too,
We're all naked here in the lions den. And where we go or what we become we do so by choice. But, jsuk self ostracization isn't something I personally endorse.
If we're mud then we're mud. At least lets be as real as we can be in this fake world as long as we're in it.
