is unrequited love a factor in your decision or want to ctb?

[Kokonoe]

just wondering if there is anyone else like this. while far from my only reason, it's definitely a major factor, and why i feel "pushed" to do it, and honestly have felt that way for years. it haunts my every day life and assaults me with pain and feelings of worthlessness nonstop. at this point it feels like it'll be lifelong. i've never been loved. not really. and even then i was never a priority, i was never chosen, i was just an afterthought. i feel incapable of loving and being loved. and at this point even if i was, and i had that in my life by some miracle, i don't think it would be enough to change anything anymore. i'm going to be haunted like this all the way to my grave.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i feel incapable of loving and being loved by others because i'm so scarred from other people choosing someone else over me or never needing me in the first place, just using me as a stepping stool for someone that's less dependent, has more in common with them, or is just more than what i can give them. i've never really been loved by anyone and being talked to by people that have been in multiple monogamous, serious relationships while i've only had crushes and messy situationships that ended in blocking and suicidal spiralling just makes me feel even more subhuman. i'm tired of my pain being minimized just because other people don't think it's actually that painful to be haunted by being someone that gets let down easily by being told we can still be friends or loved temporarily.

it's painful. very painful. i don't know how anyone can live with this feeling inside of their chest or memories constantly playing in your head of all the times you couldn't be enough, or when you did love someone but they left you anyways. even if someone did love me or if the one person i wanted to stay with me came back, i'm not the same person i used to be before i became torn up inside and completely dissociated from myself to cope with the loss of friendship and love. when i think about writing this in my suicide note i feel like no one will even understand that i just wanted to be loved by others before things got to this point. i feel awful every day now, but i have to act like things are fine because there's no way to describe the feeling of constant inadequacy if i've genuinely never been loved by my parents, friends, or by a partner.

 

[Kokonoe]

i feel incapable of loving and being loved by others because i'm so scarred from other people choosing someone else over me or never needing me in the first place, just using me as a stepping stool for someone that's less dependent, has more in common with them, or is just more than what i can give them. i've never really been loved by anyone and being talked to by people that have been in multiple monogamous, serious relationships while i've only had crushes and messy situationships that ended in blocking and suicidal spiralling just makes me feel even more subhuman. i'm tired of my pain being minimized just because other people don't think it's actually that painful to be haunted by being someone that gets let down easily by being told we can still be friends or loved temporarily.

it's painful. very painful. i don't know how anyone can live with this feeling inside of their chest or memories constantly playing in your head of all the times you couldn't be enough, or when you did love someone but they left you anyways. even if someone did love me or if the one person i wanted to stay with me came back, i'm not the same person i used to be before i became torn up inside and completely dissociated from myself to cope with the loss of friendship and love.

your post really hits close to home for me. i'm also so scarred from the people i really loved or trusted choosing others over me. i got reminded about that and it really hurt, which is what made me want to post this.
i've only ever been in messy situationships or (very) short lasting polycules. never a serious monogamous relationship like i want. and i feel horrible seeing other people have that when it feels so unattainable to me. i came out 7 years ago and yet i'e never even really had a real girlfriend, which just makes me sad to think about. i get used for my body or whatever benefits they get from me and then tossed aside. it really does make me feel subhuman, too.

the person my post was about was my oldest sister (found family, not actually related, but she's been more of a sister to me than my blood sister, and i've known her for long than my blood sister, too..) she got me out of isolation and really did save my life, more than just once. i really looked up to her and she meant a lot to me. and all she really was was a sister to me. it wasn't until like a year of knowing her that she tried to pursue intimacy with me, and it all happened really fast. and next thing i knew i was in a relationship with my oldest sister and her partner. it ended in a week, faster than i could even process what happened to me. but then for the next year she still maintained the same amount of intimacy and closeness as when we were dating, effectively still using me as another partner but without any of the commitment. and i was too scared to ever do anything about it. i knew i was getting used and tried to stand up for myself, and all that gotten me was having her choose someone else over me a second time. i wasn't worth enough for her twice. and then she still didn't change anything. only recently has she actually established any real boundaries with me. and it's been really depressing. her partner is also someone who was really awful and downright abusive to me, so knowing that the person i care about the most is with them for life is deeply upsetting. it makes me want to die. my mom has even told me that i loved her so much that that feeling is really never going to go away, it's just going to be a hole in my life forever, and i already feel it constantly. i don't think i'm ever going to move on from her and i hate it. she's still in my life and i'm still some level of dependent on her, which makes it even harder on me. i feel just as trapped with her as i always have. sorry for the incoherent rant about her. it's ok if you didn't read it, i'm just typing along with my thoughts really.

also if you'd ever want to talk about this sort of thing feel free to dm me, it's nice to hear someone who i can relate to.

 

[11April]

Yes, that's my main reason. Especially when the one you love is ready to choose anyone but you. This feeling has been with me for over 10 years now, and I know it will never go away. I understand you - this hits your self-esteem really hard.

 

[meowpuppy]

relatable about not ever having had a real girlfriend.. i'm so unloved that it will definitely lead me to dying by suicide, it's just a fact at this point.

 

[Braindead Girl]

A little bit, A girl was completely in love with me but when i suddenly felt the same way about her. She became very distant and cut off contact and what happened between us just really fucked me up. And i realized that nobody can really put up with me for long i suppose and i don't really want to put up with myself anymore either.
But it's only a part of why i want to CTB.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Not my main reason, but I am incapable of loving anyone. My main reason is my emotional numbness, which is both my main reason and the reason I can't love anyone.

 

[burninghill]

Not unrequited love, but I really feel like nobody will ever understand me and that is partially my fault. I've never met someone who I felt like I could truly open up to.

Every night I dream of having somebody who would give everything for me, someone who would kill themselves with me. The way I imagine my ideal relationship is borderline abusive towards eachother. I just want somebody to understand that ending my life is the best way to end my suffering, and I want them to do it with me. Desperately.

I've only slightly given up on this fantasy, I'd love to kill myself with another person, it's my ideal way to go. In reality, it will probably never happen. It doesn't even have to be romantic, just a deep care for eachother. I beg for it every night. Please.

 

[Kokonoe]

Not unrequited love, but I really feel like nobody will ever understand me and that is partially my fault. I've never met someone who I felt like I could truly open up to.

Every night I dream of having somebody who would give everything for me, someone who would kill themselves with me. The way I imagine my ideal relationship is borderline abusive towards eachother. I just want somebody to understand that ending my life is the best way to end my suffering, and I want them to do it with me. Desperately.

I've only slightly given up on this fantasy, I'd love to kill myself with another person, it's my ideal way to go. In reality, it will probably never happen. It doesn't even have to be romantic, just a deep care for eachother. I beg for it every night. Please.

i can completely understand that. i really want to die with someone, too. my sister and i used to talk about double suicide a lot and i really, really wished i could've done that with her. that was never going to happen, though, and especially not anymore..
dying alone is just really sad. and i wish someone would understand why i want to die and support me, rather than try to force me to live and invalidate me.

 

[meowpuppy]

Not unrequited love, but I really feel like nobody will ever understand me and that is partially my fault. I've never met someone who I felt like I could truly open up to.

Every night I dream of having somebody who would give everything for me, someone who would kill themselves with me. The way I imagine my ideal relationship is borderline abusive towards eachother. I just want somebody to understand that ending my life is the best way to end my suffering, and I want them to do it with me. Desperately.

I've only slightly given up on this fantasy, I'd love to kill myself with another person, it's my ideal way to go. In reality, it will probably never happen. It doesn't even have to be romantic, just a deep care for eachother. I beg for it every night. Please.

i really relate with the fantasizing for a borderline abusive relationship..

 

[burninghill]

i really relate with the fantasizing for a borderline abusive relationship..

Man I'm sorry. It's really difficult

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I'm a hopeless romantic, I get attached pretty quick to people who don't feel the same. When and if I CTB, I'll make sure they don't figure out I loved them so they aren't hurt

 

[hdead]

i really relate with the fantasizing for a borderline abusive relationship..

I've been in some. Nothing I would recommend. It hurts a lot. It's probably just as painful as being alone, but then there's the highs of being together to balance it out. I guess it's kinda better. But I'm left alone in the end, anyway.

 

[Kokonoe]

I've been in some. Nothing I would recommend. It hurts a lot. It's probably just as painful as being alone, but then there's the highs of being together to balance it out. I guess it's kinda better. But I'm left alone in the end, anyway.

yeah, as someone who has been in a lot of abusive situations like this, it hurts a lot, and no matter how good it feels sometimes, it will fuck you up so bad and it's never worth it unfortunately. eventually it will be too much.
sometimes i miss the good parts of it, but when i remember what was really going on it's hard to say i would want it again. i think there was only one toxic situation i would still want to endure, but clearly i couldn't. it was never going to last anyways no matter what i did, it was never my choice. i was always going to be alone.

 

[caotic_realm]

I'm a man, and for a long time—ever since I was young—I've suffered over not having a girlfriend; I felt inferior, like trash, like I was less than human. The women I desired always had boyfriends or simply ignored me, even though I didn't have any deformities or look hideous, nor is my personality bad—or at least I don't think so; I'm just introverted.

In the end, it left its mark—wounds that have closed but haven't truly healed, or that still ache (like phantom pain). I've felt less of a man; my only refuge is pornography and masturbation at times. Fortunately, a low libido and other circumstances have led me to give up on looking for a girlfriend and on that addiction—otherwise, there are moments when watching porn makes me want to commit suicide. To make matters worse, I became addicted to hentai; at least there, everything is unreal—perhaps a defense mechanism to avoid suffering any more than I already was.

In conclusion, I don't see it as a factor, but rather as an aftermath that has reinforced my idea that life isn't worth it.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate. I felt like this for years. It was so painful and even if I wasn't actively thinking about it, it was always an undercurrent that was in the back of my mind. It seemed like everyone around me was in a relationship. I got a lot of rejection. I'm one of the biggest nerds you ever met. If there's hope for me there is hope for everyone.

 

[blinkblink]

yeah i feel exactly like u do with this. Not being loved- or even liked by anyone ever made me super insecure and develop bdd and depression and at this point i feel kind of hopeless. it sucks being KHHV as a girl, but honestly i dont even care about that, the physical aspect, i just want love. i wish someone would love me- but preferably someone who also wanted to ctb so we could ctb together because i still would want to ctb even with a partner. ofc its not my main reason but its definitely a major contributing factor. i dont think ill ever get a partner though, unfortunately, with how i am and ive accepted that.

wishing op the best :)

 

[valar_morghulis21]

just wondering if there is anyone else like this. while far from my only reason, it's definitely a major factor, and why i feel "pushed" to do it, and honestly have felt that way for years. it haunts my every day life and assaults me with pain and feelings of worthlessness nonstop. at this point it feels like it'll be lifelong. i've never been loved. not really. and even then i was never a priority, i was never chosen, i was just an afterthought. i feel incapable of loving and being loved. and at this point even if i was, and i had that in my life by some miracle, i don't think it would be enough to change anything anymore. i'm going to be haunted like this all the way to my grave.

More so that I don't feel belong in this world. But yeah years of unreciprocated love and even friendships really cement this alienation feeling for me.