Is this possible? :(

[FireFox]

Is it possible to experience on and off sucidial thoughts. I scared to tell the doctor as i fear they may suspect me of being biploar or having a personality disorder.

I am very very functional which is why i find it hard to believe i have depressive disorder( most doctors believe i recovered after telling them i have not had any thoughts).

I take care of my appearance, i been enjoying going to the shops as the buses now free in london due to covid 19, i dont have difficulty doing things. I am not a typical person with depression and i find it hard to relte to other people with the conditon.

For many months I have sucidial thoughts and then they stop.

There is a part of me that wants to live but often it is so short lived

The part of me that wants to live has all these ideas. These are things i always wanted.
- i want to live in a different city
- i want to see iceland and vist the netherlands
- i want to be a wife ulimately maybe when i hit 28-29.
- i want to make a world a better place and want to work in an organsation thst allows me to do so
- i dont want a normal life where you go to 9-5 work and enjoy weekends. I feel happy attending protests or doing something that makes the world a better place.

During this period i feel optismitic about life
Often these feelings are so short lived.

When i am sucidial i feel so trapped and cant ever see anything changing in my life.
I feel like there is world and i dont belong in it

Seeing people my age holding a job, having a partner and being real adults. I feel like i have failed. I am 23 but so immature it sucks
- never had job
- still living at home
- i feel stupid all the time

I feel like life is not for me.
Everyday i feel like a failure and i believe i ruined my life forever.
These feelings dont stop, the thoughts give me this intense urgues to harm myself which dont stop. It never stops.

I am not even depressed weirdly enouh however i want to stop existing so i wont have to see the future
For me sucide is an escape from all these feelings and world i feel like dont belong or strong enough to live in.

 

[4eyebiped]

You say you feel like a failure and that you have ruined your life forever. I would argue you are youthful with the possibility of a great life ahead of you. I would also argue that you have a better starting point than most people because of who you are and how you think. The average person simply isn't rocking life like most people feel they are. They are struggling. We tend to only notice and acknowledge the successful while overlooking the reality of the high population of the lost.

Just a couple things to point out briefly so excuse the lack of depth.

You are well spoken and intelligent. You acknowledge a weakness of immaturity, which is the first step to improve one's self. Most people are too proud or oblivious to see their weaknesses. You mention noble desires to better the world around you instead of saying the world sucks and wishing it to all burn down. Your wants and desires are extremely reasonable.

Highly intelligent people tend to think they are stupid (Look up Michelle Thaller for female inspiration on this) while lower intelligent people tend to think they are smart (look up the Dunning Kruger effect). So, you are probably the complete opposite of what you feel.

Compassion, or the desire to improve the things around you, often comes with an emotional burden. Change often seems impossible and unachievable, but it occurs, just not at the rate most would like. Change can be slower than the seasons. The good news is that improving lives and the world starts with simple kindness. You don't have to be part of any large organization to achieve that. You would be amazed at how powerful kindness can be.

Sometimes people get overwhelmed in life and this causes great discomfort. This great discomfort can lead to thoughts of suicide. Your mind wants to escape that discomfort. Fear, being lost in life, lack of control and so on can bring these suicidal thoughts on in anyone.

 

[Cosmiq]

Can I ask why do you fear being bipolar or having a personality disorder? If you talk to someone and it turns out you do, they might be able to help and it might give you the chance you want. I'm not familiar with the types of treatment they receive, but at least you'd have more options.