Help is this normal?

[misukiimikki]

I catch myself wanting to ctb either in the morning or really late at night, mostly when i'm alone.
but why do during the day or when i'm around other people, that said feeling goes away? why do I want to live more than ever now?

Or the real question is why do I want to die so bad in those moments?

 

[abcz]

Most days where I end up feeling that way I also feel it at night. In the morning I'm kinda too tired to think about anything(and on weekdays kinda have to move fast as to not be late to stuff). I think the exception is when there are specific things that I am really not wanting to happen or wanting to avoid and I am thinking about them in the middle of the day. When I'm around others I don't necessarily feel super happy, I usually do for a bit and then realize that I feel like I am an outsider in the group.

 

[misukiimikki]

Most days where I end up feeling that way I also feel it at night. In the morning I'm kinda too tired to think about anything(and on weekdays kinda have to move fast as to not be late to stuff). I think the exception is when there are specific things that I am really not wanting to happen or wanting to avoid and I am thinking about them in the middle of the day. When I'm around others I don't necessarily feel super happy, I usually do for a bit and then realize that I feel like I am an outsider in the group.

literally!! it's so confusing

 

[crxssedho3]

I catch myself wanting to ctb either in the morning or really late at night, mostly when i'm alone.
but why do during the day or when i'm around other people, that said feeling goes away? why do I want to live more than ever now?

Or the real question is why do I want to die so bad in those moments?

have you ever been checked out for adhd, asd, bpd, or anything like that? It's a common trait to have no emotional permanece. Meaning when those people are gone it feels like they were never there in the first place and you don't feel anything until they're actually infront of you because then you can see they're real. So when you're alone it's more deafening than anything.

 

[misukiimikki]

have you ever been checked out for adhd, asd, bpd, or anything like that? It's a common trait to have no emotional permanece. Meaning when those people are gone it feels like they were never there in the first place and you don't feel anything until they're actually infront of you because then you can see they're real. So when you're alone it's more deafening than anything.

wait- that makes so much sense. I have adhd and I take meds for it, but usually it happens at night probably around the time when they wear off or in the morning before I take my meds. my brother is diagnosed with bpd, but my parents think i'm the "golden" child so nothing can possibly be wrong with me.
but yeah, that's crazy. I never knew that.

 

[crxssedho3]

wait- that makes so much sense. I have adhd and I take meds for it, but usually it happens at night probably around the time when they wear off or in the morning before I take my meds. my brother is diagnosed with bpd, but my parents think i'm the "golden" child so nothing can possibly be wrong with me.
but yeah, that's crazy. I never knew that.

I hate parents. Children should not be in competition with eachother especially when they never asked for this existence. But yea its something I struggle with too. im often told I "never remember any of the good things" and "only see the bad" i just cant help it everything is black and grey unless theres someone infront of me telling me different. I hope it gets better for you and its not so hard of a struggle to feel okay. <3

 

[SmollMushroom]

I catch myself wanting to ctb either in the morning or really late at night, mostly when i'm alone.
but why do during the day or when i'm around other people, that said feeling goes away? why do I want to live more than ever now?

Or the real question is why do I want to die so bad in those moments?

It's normal to feel bad when being alone. I remember when I could feel that way, a long time ago, before something inside me died forever.
Me personally, I don't think you should consider ctb yet, as you have something you want to live for, as you said. And that is really beatiful.
I'd even say it is enviable. I suffer greatly from standing around people, mostly because of my social anxiety, I wish I wouldn't.

 

[EternalShore]

I catch myself wanting to ctb either in the morning or really late at night, mostly when i'm alone.
but why do during the day or when i'm around other people, that said feeling goes away? why do I want to live more than ever now?

Or the real question is why do I want to die so bad in those moments?

I noticed that I should really try not be awake after 9 pm for that reason! xD Granted, it happens others for me too! >_<

 

[misukiimikki]

I hate parents. Children should not be in competition with eachother especially when they never asked for this existence. But yea its something I struggle with too. im often told I "never remember any of the good things" and "only see the bad" i just cant help it everything is black and grey unless theres someone infront of me telling me different. I hope it gets better for you and its not so hard of a struggle to feel okay. <3

seriously. i've felt so much weight on my shoulders all my life from my parents being like, "oh wow misu! your doing so well in school! we are so proud of you"
"our child is gifted"
"you'll never end up like the boys, misu."
I have been told my whole life that no matter what I do i'll always be better than them.And it's hard to keep up that "golden" child motto.

Parents really do suck tho. Sorry about yours <3
I hope your situation gets better too, friend, If you don't mind me calling u that :DD

It's normal to feel bad when being alone. I remember when I could feel that way, a long time ago, before something inside me died forever.
Me personally, I don't think you should consider ctb yet, as you have something you want to live for, as you said. And that is really beatiful.
I'd even say it is enviable. I suffer greatly from standing around people, mostly because of my social anxiety, I wish I wouldn't.

I totally understand that. it just comes to mind bc now even with cutting, I still don't feel.. idk whole? anymore?
it's what I felt as the "next step" up. I don't know. I think i'm just lost. that's why I joined here in the first place. :((

I noticed that I should really try not be awake after 9 pm for that reason! xD Granted, it happens others for me too! >_<

totally!! i've learned to either call someone ur really good friends with so you can be distracted by them.

 

[olearius]

Thoughts after 9pm are a lie. Haha, at least that's what I've told myself to not ctb. I really struggle in the evenings as well. It doesn't help that my insomnia makes it really hard to get to sleep.

Anyways, I'm sorry you're really struggling. It sounds like your parents aren't very nice to you or your siblings by constantly comparing all of you.

I wasn't the golden child or anything but I never did anything actually "bad" (sneak out, experiment with drugs, etc - which I don't think any of these things are actually bad) so after my parents stopped physically abusing me, they opted to ignore my existence. I was getting amazing grades. I didn't get in trouble. So they just ignored me as much as they could.

It doesn't seem like anyone wins by demanding so much. Not our parents. And certainly not us.

I hope you keep going for those moments during the day with your friends. Those are precious moments.

 

[crxssedho3]

seriously. i've felt so much weight on my shoulders all my life from my parents being like, "oh wow misu! your doing so well in school! we are so proud of you"
"our child is gifted"
"you'll never end up like the boys, misu."
I have been told my whole life that no matter what I do i'll always be better than them.And it's hard to keep up that "golden" child motto.

Parents really do suck tho. Sorry about yours <3
I hope your situation gets better too, friend, If you don't mind me calling u that :DD

I totally understand that. it just comes to mind bc now even with cutting, I still don't feel.. idk whole? anymore?
it's what I felt as the "next step" up. I don't know. I think i'm just lost. that's why I joined here in the first place. :((

totally!! i've learned to either call someone ur really good friends with so you can be distracted by them.

I don't mind at all friend :3 I felt the same thing growing up, our parents must've been similar xd. But at first it was my little brother and they told me I wasn't as good as him then we got older I worked harder and they switched up saying I was the best after that and ever since the weight of the family was on my shoulders. It's really hard so if you need someone to talk to I'm here, I actually just left my toxic family and it's been really hard but I'm here if you need advice.