Dr Iron Arc
Into the Unknown
- Feb 10, 2020
So in case you haven't read my daily status update rants (I don't blame you if you haven't, they're bad), I seem to be making a lot of the same mistakes I made over eight years ago where I've inadvertently become infatuated with a woman who happens to work in the same place at me. Don't worry, she's not my boss and I'm not hers. I'm not sure what exactly drew me to her I mean she is definitely quite attractive but I think maybe it's because she initially showed interest to me but like not explicitly enough yet. I might be actually crazy but I feel like I read a lot of signs saying she likes me back but half the time I just get a completely different vibe altogether like she's upset at me for something. Others I've asked about speculate that it's just because I haven't actually asked her out yet. It's been weeks since I even got her Discord to message her but I already sent something which she still hasn't responded to so maybe she just doesn't use it much. I'm just not sure whether she ever liked me at all or if she's just frustrated I haven't asked her out at all. I mean I kind of feel like I shouldn't have to be the one with all this pressure because it's 2024 and she's over 25 and I'm almost 30 and women should be allowed to initiate too in fact I'd prefer it god, gender roles are stupid, but maybe that's just how she prefers it. When I've helped her out at work before she has told me twice (three times if you count the time I pretended I didn't hear her just so I could hear her say it again) that she loves me. Is this an obvious enough sign or am I delusional and she only said that platonically? I really don't know. I know I'm an incel but that's not exactly because of my looks, I'm just not confident and I'm insecure and I'm very immature like goddamn I sound like a fucking middle schooler and yet I'm almost 30.
Anyways, I've decided that today at some point in my shift, which will start at 5:00 pm pacific time, I'll try to finally subtly ask her what her plans for next Wednesday are since I'm pretty sure she's told me she usually has that day off and so do I. Conveniently that week is also Valentine's Day so I might as well ask her, right? I'm going to try to ease into it because by first asking if she's free on that day without mentioning its significance just to see if she's even open or not that day. If she's free then I'm locked in I suppose but I guess I'll need more advice on what to actually do if she does agree. I only have until 7 pm when her shift ends to ask her though and I'm afraid if anyone else is around to hear they might start gossiping or teasing me about it later no matter the outcome and I really wouldn't want that.
My question for you guys is: is this a good plan or not? Am I crazy and this is a bad idea?
After all, there are so many ways this could go wrong: I could get written up for harassment if it turns out she never liked me. Even if she did, she could still already be over me at this point because of how pathetic I am and how long it's taken and how awkward I've become around her after all this time I've wasted. It's been about over a month I'd say since I started developing these feelings for her and I know this is a mistake because it's similar to the mistake I made last time I liked a girl from my work which was over eight years ago. That time though, the girl approached me first but I took too long to tell her how I felt and she chose someone else. She even later told me I should have just been faster. That incident has defined almost the entirety of my 20s I'm not even sure I'm even fully over it. It's taking me so much of all of the little effort and courage I have just to even make it this far…
So that's my dilemma. Sorry it spiraled and became extra long winded again. I really tried to keep it as short as I could but there's just so much to explain about this. I'd really appreciate some insight to see if this is the way I should go or maybe I should just give up and carry out killing myself like I originally wanted to. I was considering putting this in Recovery because it could potentially lead to me recovering and not wanting to CTB if it works but I ultimately decided this topic is kind of silly so it's better off in off topic. I know lots of people are suffering in far worse ways than me I'm honestly just a miserable incel who's not even struggling with typical incel things if I could even make it this far. I'm so sorry to my fellow lonely men I don't want to make you jealous I just want to break free from this hell I'm in same as you do. Although… I guess even if my plan works and she does agree to go out with me next Wednesday I could always still fuck that up and want to CTB regardless but we'll see.