Is this a good idea or not?

[Jean Améry]

I don't have a lot of time since I have to work tomorrow (a.k.a. slave labour day 4563...) so I'll keep it short and to the point. A friend is coming over tomorrow after work and we're going to barbecue and drink a lot given that it's a public holiday tomorrow. I've known him for about 15 years and I consider him a good friend. He's a smart guy, we share a lot of common interests and most importantly he's shown consistent loyalty over the years which I consider to be invaluable given that I went through a lot of shit and this reflected itself in a deviation from what is generally considered to be a succesful life. That merits appreciation and trust.

Lately I've been considering the possibility of opening up to a very select few people and hopefully this will lead to more meaningful social relationships which should make me feel less alone, not hurting so much, less suicidal etcetera. For better or for worse I've decided not to plan and obviously not to act on suicidal thoughts untill I've exhausted all possible options to remedy this. I owe my family and to a lesser extent my friends that much. At this moment I still think I'd be better off dead but I realise my death would have serious consequences which I'd rather avoid if I can.

I lately saw a video that resonated with me and made me realize a pervasive sense of the futility of life is driving my depression and while I consider this to be objectively true (there is no meaning to life, it's mosly suffering and pain and it's not going anywhere but straight to the grave) I can't live like that and relationships with others is what creates subjective meaning and thus well-being. Hence my desire to have a real connection to at least a few people.

I know he was suicidal at one point in his life because he told me one night. I don't doubt the truth of that story but clearly it was meant to find out whether I was suicidal or not. He asked me point blank: as a sort of emotional knee-jerk reaction I said no. He hasn't brought up the topic ever since.

Talking about me being suicidal probably isn't a great idea (it could lead to him worrying, me feeling embarassed, a whole range of shitty feelings and consequences...) but I don't see the harm in talking about how unhappy I have been for so long. The alternative is pretending everything is allright which is fucking pointless and so exhausting I dont think I can do it anymore. Is it really that horrible to tell another human-being you're in emotional pain and you don't see any point to it all?

What do you think: is this a good idea or not? I'm really not sure how to handle this exactly as I'm not used to this sort of thing. Probably best to wait until we're all good and drunk (if need be I can use it as an excuse) and see how it goes.

Anyone have any experience to share, good or bad? You obviously don't know him but how should I go about it?

For some reason I'm nervous which makes me wonder whether I should do this or not. Then again what I've been doing so far clearly hasn't worked so it should be worth the shot. Given that he's shared being vulnerable and hurting (which takes guts) and has shown concern for me aswell as the friendship in general I would think the chances of this going badly are rather low. Of course if I thought otherwise I would not plan on doing this: I'm many things but an idiot is not one of them.

I do have a few bad experiences with telling people but then again in hindsight those individuals were selfish a-holes who aren't worth one millisecond of my time so good riddens in a way. I would hate to lose him as a friend though. Then again is it an actual friendship if I have to pretend to be someone I'm not?

 

[headinghome]

I don't have a lot of time since I have to work tomorrow (a.k.a. slave labour day 4563...) so I'll keep it short and to the point. A friend is coming over tomorrow after work and we're going to barbecue and drink a lot given that it's a public holiday tomorrow. I've known him for about 15 years and I consider him a good friend. He's a smart guy, we share a lot of common interests and most importantly he's shown consist loyalty over the years which I consider to be invaluable given that I went through a lot of shit and this reflected itself in a deviation from what is generally considered to be a succesful life. That merits appreciation and trust.

Lately I've been considering the possibility of opening up to a very select few people and hopefully this will lead to more meaningful social relationships which should make me feel less alone, not hurting so much, less suicidal etcetera. For better or for worse I've decided not to plan and obviously not to act on suicidal thoughts untill I've exhausted all possible options to remedy this. I owe my family and to a lesser extent my friends that much. At this moment I still think I'd be better off dead but I realise my death would have serious consequences which I'd rather avoid if I can.

I lately saw a video that resonated with me and made me realize a pervasive sense of the futility of life is driving my depression and while I consider this to be objectively true (there is no meaning to life, it's mosly suffering and pain and it's not going anywhere but straight to the grave) I can't live like that and relationships with others is what creates subjective meaning and thus well-being. Hence my desire to have a real connection to at least a few people.

I know he was suicidal at one point in his life because he told me one night. I don't doubt the truth of that story but clearly it was meant to find out whether I was suicidal or not. He asked me point blank: as a sort of emotional knee-jerk reaction I said no. He hasn't brought up the topic ever since.

Talking about me being suicidal probably isn't a great idea (it could lead to him worrying, me feeling embarassed, a whole range of shitty feelings and consequences...) but I don't see the harm in talking about how unhappy I have been for so long. The alternative is pretending everything is allright which is fucking pointless and so exhausted I dont think I can do it anymore. Is it really that horrible to tell another human-being you're in emotional pain and you don't see any point to it all?

What do you think: is this a good idea or not? I'm really not sure how to handle this exactly as I'm not used to this sort of thing. Probably best to wait until we're all good and drunk (if need be I can use it as an excuse) and see how it goes.

Anyone have any experience to share, good or bad? You obviously don't know him but how should I go about it?

For some reason I'm nervous which makes me wonder whether I should do this or not. Then again what I've been doing so far clearly hasn't worked so it should be worth the shot. Given that he's shared being vulnerable and hurting (which takes guts) and has shown concern for me aswell as the friendship thing in general I would think the chances of this going badly are rather low. Of course if I thought otherwise I would not plan on doing this: I'm many things but an idiot is not one of them.

I do have a few bad experiences with telling people but then again in hindsight those individuals were selfish a-holes who aren't worth one millisecond of my time so good riddens in a way. I would hate to lose him as a friend though.

Why not speak to someone who knows how to handle this kind of situation who isn't personally associated with you… They could probably tell you what they would advise as far as discussing your emotional state with friends… It sounds like you want to reach out for help I think I would steer away from friends at the moment…Unless you just want to say that you've been unhappy for a while and that you're thinking of going to see someone about it… Please are just ideas not anything written in stone

 

[TAW122]

I would say there is always a risk of negative consequences when opening up to people, some of which include causing people to be concerned and possibly, them wanting to 'save' you from yourself. There is also the possibility of them just dismissing or downplaying your issues, troubles. In your case, I would say, yes you could vent a little bit, but be careful how much information or how detailed you want to go when talking to your friend. If he is probing you for details, then do NOT ever mention a plan, a method (means), or a date because that might make him scared and concerned then wanting to 'stop' you and ruin your ability to CTB, thus making your life even more miserable. Other than that, feel free to share your pains and frustrations with him.

 

[Norest4thewicked]

If he really is a good friend that you can honestly trust, then maybe talk to him. No details, plans or methods though. Should he not be receptive or out of his depth, be aware that talking CTB can come at a price.It can shift the dynamic of the whole friendship as well as the stigma and social cost.

 

[Jean Améry]

I would say there is always a risk of negative consequences when opening up to people, some of which include causing people to be concerned and possibly, them wanting to 'save' you from yourself. There is also the possibility of them just dismissing or downplaying your issues, troubles. In your case, I would say, yes you could vent a little bit, but be careful how much information or how detailed you want to go when talking to your friend. If he is probing you for details, then do NOT ever mention a plan, a method (means), or a date because that might make him scared and concerned then wanting to 'stop' you and ruin your ability to CTB, thus making your life even more miserable. Other than that, feel free to share your pains and frustrations with him.

Thanks. This is helpful. He'll be here soon and I've decided to go for it but without CTB-related details. I'll write more tomorrow.

If he really is a good friend that you can honestly trust, then maybe talk to him. No details, plans or methods though. Should he not be receptive or out of his depth, be aware that talking CTB can come at a price.It can shift the dynamic of the whole friendship as well as the stigma and social cost.

I am aware which is why I was hesitant. Then again living cut off from others clearly didn't work so given I've determined I'm obligated to give life a chance for the sake of others dear to me I think it's worth the chance.

Thanks for your opinion.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Well, the fact that he broached the subject in the past suggests he wanted you to know he felt comfortable talking about that kind of thing.

 

[headinghome]

Well, the fact that he broached the subject in the past suggests he wanted you to know he felt comfortable talking about that kind of thing.

or he wanted to find out if you were serious so he could stop you...

 

[Jean Améry]

I appreciate the responses. It actually went pretty well: while I found it difficult to get to the point he was quite receptive, did not question my sanity, showed empathy and told me if it was anyone but me he'd probably have a problem with it and would question whether to keep this to himself or not.

I even told him if it was just me I wouldn't be alive given that I do not consider life to be worth the effort and the misery that invariably goes along with it (Buddha: life is suffering) but that I felt compelled to live out of concern for my nephews and my great-aunt. He told me concern for others was his reason for staying alive aswell. While the causes are different and his bout of suicidal ideation lies in the fairly distant past there are quite a few similarities to my situation which is probably why he understood. After all how can one understand such a thing without having experienced it for oneself?

All in all this went as good as I could have hoped for: apparantly he still respects me, the friendship is intact and I got to be honest and find some relief. I know this is rare in this world of the mental health religion and suicide prohibition so I'm grateful. It's much better to feel grateful than miserable.

I might try this again with one more person: a woman I've grown fond of although I'll probably keep the part about suicide out of it as she might not be as understanding and while I've put off CTB for the foreseeable future I do not want any hassle least of all with the authorities.

I think expressing one's negative feelings and discussing them with a select few who are trustworthy is a good way of dealing with this darkness and maybe even find a way to make life worth living again. We are social creatures after all and the quality of one's relationships in large part determines one's quality of life in general. Even though it is and will always remain unnecessary, oftentimes painful and without any deeper meaning with death and change as the only certainties.