Is there even anything I can do at this point besides ctb?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I don't see what else can be done. It is time for me to face the inevitable. I have to die. If I can hold out till January, I think I can finally put an end to this unrelenting suffering. Sorry in advance to whoever has to find my body.

If I don't go soon, things are going to get worse, much worse. For over a year now, I have been hanging on by a delicate thread which threatens to snap at any moment. One wrong move and the ligature breaks for good.

People repeat the same tired lines over and over again. A script I know all too well. They assure me that holding out is worthwhile, for something good must come of all this struggle. There's bound to be a treatment someday for CFS, eventually someone will love me unconditionally, I will get a full time job and be able to independently support myself.. Yeah right. They are living in a delusional fantasy world.

I truly can't go on like this. I have tried everything during my 22 years on this earth, I swear. My chronic pain is never going away. My cfs is never going away. My IBS, trauma, and autism are here to stay too. If there is a drug out there meant to be used for my conditions, you can bet I've tried it, including illicit psychedelics. Pretty much every modality of therapy has been a massive failure too.

The gaping hole that's been pierced through my heart and left to rot can only fester as widens. There is no getting over the pain caused by your mother essentially abandoning you as a baby, your alcoholic father dying while you're in primary school, enduring nasty abuse from his remaining family members and having to watch relatives try to ctb in front of you during your adolescence, scarred by the medical industry, being sexually abused by men, and never experiencing the feeling of unconditional love.

There is nothing that ties me to this world anymore. I rely on others to survive, and they could care less. My best friend has all but left me to dry. My partner of over two years kept threatening to leave me and eventually broke up with me, taking me back recently under precarious conditions. I was told last week that if I don't want to be alone, I better shut up and listen. Do you know how much those venomous words wound me?

I just want to be loved and cherished. The universe will not allow that. To every potential partner/close connection, I am a disposable sex toy. A freakshow novelty that they pity then use up until their lust fades. People don't seem to truly love each other, all they want is to extract every last drop of hedonistic whimsy from your interactions, then immediately dip out as if it were all a prank.

I lost my only other close friend on account of this. After he said he was no longer interested in me, due to the level of commitment I require as a consequence of my disabilities, he got drunk and came complaining to me about how other women in our course won't sleep with him, why won't they like him instead- no offense to me, he said, but obviously offense was taken.

It proved to me that he was ashamed of me. He didn't want anyone to know he was involved with that weird sick girl. It is so horrible when you struggle to care for yourself and do basic tasks, yet you're forced to drag yourself to your sparsely timetabled lectures at university, only to be ignored or laughed at by someone who claimed to be one of your closest mates for over a year. It's like being slapped in the face.

I can hardly do anything. The weakness, fatigue, and pain guarentees I spend most of my time in bed. I physically will not be able to work full time when I'm graduated, however everyone I speak to about this gaslights me and tells me I am capable of skilled labor, I just need to find a "chill job." Do they not understand?

With each passing day I am fading more and more. Realistically what options do I have besides ctb? There is nothing left, save for the sweet release of death that will free me from my broken body.

 

[DasEnde]

I feel you, I have cfs too. It's like a invisible, lifelong prison sentence. You don't deserve that, I'm so sorry..

 

[Kobusu]

I don't see what else can be done. It is time for me to face the inevitable. I have to die. If I can hold out till January, I think I can finally put an end to this unrelenting suffering. Sorry in advance to whoever has to find my body.

If I don't go soon, things are going to get worse, much worse. For over a year now, I have been hanging on by a delicate thread which threatens to snap at any moment. One wrong move and the ligature breaks for good.

People repeat the same tired lines over and over again. A script I know all too well. They assure me that holding out is worthwhile, for something good must come of all this struggle. There's bound to be a treatment someday for CFS, eventually someone will love me unconditionally, I will get a full time job and be able to independently support myself.. Yeah right. They are living in a delusional fantasy world.

I truly can't go on like this. I have tried everything during my 22 years on this earth, I swear. My chronic pain is never going away. My cfs is never going away. My IBS, trauma, and autism are here to stay too. If there is a drug out there meant to be used for my conditions, you can bet I've tried it, including illicit psychedelics. Pretty much every modality of therapy has been a massive failure too.

The gaping hole that's been pierced through my heart and left to rot can only fester as widens. There is no getting over the pain caused by your mother essentially abandoning you as a baby, your alcoholic father dying while you're in primary school, enduring nasty abuse from his remaining family members and having to watch relatives try to ctb in front of you during your adolescence, scarred by the medical industry, being sexually abused by men, and never experiencing the feeling of unconditional love.

There is nothing that ties me to this world anymore. I rely on others to survive, and they could care less. My best friend has all but left me to dry. My partner of over two years kept threatening to leave me and eventually broke up with me, taking me back recently under precarious conditions. I was told last week that if I don't want to be alone, I better shut up and listen. Do you know how much those venomous words wound me?

I just want to be loved and cherished. The universe will not allow that. To every potential partner/close connection, I am a disposable sex toy. A freakshow novelty that they pity then use up until their lust fades. People don't seem to truly love each other, all they want is to extract every last drop of hedonistic whimsy from your interactions, then immediately dip out as if it were all a prank.

I lost my only other close friend on account of this. After he said he was no longer interested in me, due to the level of commitment I require as a consequence of my disabilities, he got drunk and came complaining to me about how other women in our course won't sleep with him, why won't they like him instead- no offense to me, he said, but obviously offense was taken.

It proved to me that he was ashamed of me. He didn't want anyone to know he was involved with that weird sick girl. It is so horrible when you struggle to care for yourself and do basic tasks, yet you're forced to drag yourself to your sparsely timetabled lectures at university, only to be ignored or laughed at by someone who claimed to be one of your closest mates for over a year. It's like being slapped in the face.

I can hardly do anything. The weakness, fatigue, and pain guarentees I spend most of my time in bed. I physically will not be able to work full time when I'm graduated, however everyone I speak to about this gaslights me and tells me I am capable of skilled labor, I just need to find a "chill job." Do they not understand?

With each passing day I am fading more and more. Realistically what options do I have besides ctb? There is nothing left, save for the sweet release of death that will free me from my broken body.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I don't have cfs, but I relate to a lot of the rest. It's horrible trying to find someone who loves you unconditionally, and even if you think you do, it's never real. It's never forever. I don't have any words to make you feel better friend, but know that a lot of us are there with you too. Your partner isn't deserving of such a kind soul if you're being hit with conditions on their love for you. The world is a cruel place.

I don't know you at all, I don't know anyone here, really. But I love you and everybody else here too. We all suffer, and we're all human and even if we don't have the same struggles, we share the same type of pain. I would say sorry but I think we all know that means nothing. Your conditions sadden me though. You don't deserve them. None of us deserve this. People do love each other, even if it's hard to remember. I hope you find your peace and your comfort one day, in whatever form it may come.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I am sorry it has reached this point for you, @KuriGohan&Kamehameha. You are one of my favourite people here, and it truly pains me to witness your suffering. Your circumstances touch me on a profound, personal level, and there are several parallels in our experiences. You deserved so much better than the cruel cards you have been dealt in this wicked world.

I understand from experience the toll of chronic illnesses, complex trauma and disabilities - how they all ravage the mind, body and soul. It is a hell I would wish on no-one, and certainly not someone as amazing as you.

I know I have said it many times before, but I must say again that the way your partner and former friends treated you was despicable and unacceptable. It is especially cruel considering the long, painful history of abuse and trauma you had already endured, which they were aware of. For them to take advantage of you, abuse you and abandon you like this absolutely infuriates me. You deserved so, so much better than that. These men were unworthy of someone as wonderful as you.

I often wish I knew you. I am not under any illusions that I could ever take away the lifetime of suffering that you carry with you. I am not deluded by false hopes and platitudes. I just wish I could do more for you, spend time with you, listen to you without spewing cookie cutter advice or trite reassurances, take you somewhere you want to go at your own leisure and treat you to your favourite meal, do something that you want to do (not what your partner wants to drag you along to do) and give you kindness, support and companionship. You deserve to be heard, respected, cherished and loved, you really do. And I'm so sorry that no-one in your life has shown you those things, because you are worth all of that and so much more.

I will be here for you and support you no matter what happens, whether you stay with us a little longer or leave and be at eternal rest. I will miss you if you go, I will remember you, but most of all I want you to be at peace, no matter what form that takes.

I know how it feels to watch yourself fade, to witness your own deterioration and watch your life ebb away. It's an excruciating, soul-destroying experience and if death is the only release for you from that pain, I hope you will find peace. You deserve peace more than anyone I know.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Kuri, your story breaks my heart, as it did already countless times before.

You suffer from terrible conditions that there are no cure for. Less than one year after meeting you I've seeing you talk about so much things that happened in your days, I can only imagine how hard must have it been all those years.
I didn't knew about the ligature problem, it seems pretty bad and I hope it stays in place and healthy.

All we hear from these people are the same. "There is always a way", "Life can still be good", "There is a cure for all evils" and all of those talks about "You are not helping yourself", "You don't want to get better". It's completely madness at it's worst.

I see you as someone precious. It's unacceptable how people have treated you.

To tell the truth, I relate a lot with you. Although I was never diagnosed with autism, sometimes you and a few other sufferers from this condition say things that I can relate all too well. I wonder why I haven't met someone like you. I would enjoy so much of your company as I do now.

Is there anything else? I really don't know. I hope so. I hope you find something that ease your pain, something that helps you cope with your conditions and someone who loves you unconditionally. I tell you this, because you deserve it.
But I don't know if there is such thing to ease your pains, I don't know if you will find such thing and considering how difficult it is to find real people these days, I wonder how long until you find someone. Maybe tomorrow, but again, it's that dangerous thing called Hope.

Me and a lot of people here will be heartbroken to see you go. But we need to acknowledge the facts and also make peace with your decision, taking solace in knowing that all your problems will end if you take the decision to ctb.

The people that surrounds us in real life have more on our minds weight of course, but remember this: You are loved. Everyone loves you here. We want the best for you and we will do our best for you.

You deserve the best, Kuri. Forever our hero.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Kuri, your story breaks my heart, as it did already countless times before.

You suffer from terrible conditions that there are no cure for. Less than one year after meeting you I've seeing you talk about so much things that happened in your days, I can only imagine how hard must have it been all those years.
I didn't knew about the ligature problem, it seems pretty bad and I hope it stays in place and healthy.

All we hear from these people are the same. "There is always a way", "Life can still be good", "There is a cure for all evils" and all of those talks about "You are not helping yourself", "You don't want to get better". It's completely madness at it's worst.

I see you as someone precious. It's unacceptable how people have treated you.

To tell the truth, I relate a lot with you. Although I was never diagnosed with autism, sometimes you and a few other sufferers from this condition say things that I can relate all too well. I wonder why I haven't met someone like you. I would enjoy so much of your company as I do now.

Is there anything else? I really don't know. I hope so. I hope you find something that ease your pain, something that helps you cope with your conditions and someone who loves you unconditionally. I tell you this, because you deserve it.
But I don't know if there is such thing to ease your pains, I don't know if you will find such thing and considering how difficult it is to find real people these days, I wonder how long until you find someone. Maybe tomorrow, but again, it's that dangerous thing called Hope.

Me and a lot of people here will be heartbroken to see you go. But we need to acknowledge the facts and also make peace with your decision, taking solace in knowing that all your problems will end if you take the decision to ctb.

The people that surrounds us in real life have more on our minds weight of course, but remember this: You are loved. Everyone loves you here. We want the best for you and we will do our best for you.

You deserve the best, Kuri. Forever our hero.

Thank you all for being so sweet and kind. I will be forever grateful to have met you, Persephone, Leorio, and many others from SS who have always been empathetic, loving, and compassionate towards me no matter what. You all have made the last phases of my life infinitely more bearable.

I wish that we were not all so far away from each other, and could help each other, though I don't know how much help I'd be with this broken body. By ligature, I mean the thread tying me to life, not a physical object. I suppose more like an intangible concept of life force?

My will to continue is fading. I can't imagine living many more years the way I am now, always being doomed to suffer. I wish none of us had to suffer, though I know life is a cruel mistress indeed and doesn't want to make anything easy for us.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very horrible and unfair. It is painful to be in a hopeless situation, of course you deserve better than what this life has given you. It is understandable wanting to exit when you are constantly suffering, there is only so much that one person can take. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[lostundead]

You have a good character and I admire the extent to which you make use of your free will despite all your health issues. Your story is perfect proof this isnt enough to become happy unlike what most normies keep repeating to themselves to be able to sleep at night.

Throgh reading your posts I've gained many insights from you and if your peers stopped judging people by how much short-term pleasure/fun they can provide, I'm sure they would too. It's truly disgusting how people take advantage of your poor health and economic sitiation and they should all be ashamed of themselves.

If there is nothing left to try/ stopping you from ctb, I hope you can find some relief and comfort in your last months atleast.