Is there anyone you wish you could just talk to?

[AntHydra]

I wish I could just talk to my best friend (or, the person who was my best friend for a long time... I don't think I have the right to call her that anymore).
I mean, about my SI, but also about everything else. I want to tell her about the banal and small things I did today, some of the things I found and might think she would enjoy. But I can't text her first in any situation, it's terrifying and I never want to bother her again. I don't think she wants to talk to me, not about herself or her current life or anything, and I don't think she wants to hear anything from me. The very few times we have texted in recent times, she always replied very late and with flat or almost nonsensical replies. I wish I could confront her about this, too, but it's impossible, it could only cause more damage.
But she is the person I want to know everything about me. I just wish I could open everything to her again, and I wish she wanted that again.
It's a bad habit, but I keep checking if she is online on discord, and if she is, I feel terrible.

Does anyone else have a situation like that? Someone they really, really want to talk to, open up to (again), but know they can't?

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I used to want to talk to my grandmother after she died but.. I don't want to anymore. Not because I stopped caring but because I think I'm too big of a disappointment to her now.

I don't know your shared past but this person doesn't sound like she's a very good friend or worthy of your attention. If this is bothering you so much, I'd suggest calling her out. You can't do any further damage to the friendship at this point because she's killed it and it's just doing you damage ruminating. Why should she be comfortable while you suffer and tolerate the crumbs she deigns to throw out every so often?

Just drop her a message and be like, "Hey, so I'd just like to know why you're not putting any effort into maintaining this friendship. Whenever I try to talk to you, you treat me like an afterthought and you don't invest anything. I don't have room in my life for people who don't respect me and if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to call time and delete you."

You might not be able to make her like you, but this will at least make her respect you. Because she currently doesn't, at all.

 

[AntHydra]

I used to want to talk to my grandmother after she died but.. I don't want to anymore. Not because I stopped caring but because I think I'm too big of a disappointment to her now.

I feel similarly about my grandpa. I still miss him to this day, we always had a lot of fun together. As stupid as it sounds, he really was my best friend in my childhood when I had no one else.
Of course, I have no idea if he would like who I am today. I suppose on some level it is good that I don't have to think about that.

I don't know your shared past but this person doesn't sound like she's a very good friend or worthy of your attention. If this is bothering you so much, I'd suggest calling her out. You can't do any further damage to the friendship at this point because she's killed it and it's just doing you damage ruminating. Why should she be comfortable while you suffer and tolerate the crumbs she deigns to throw out every so often?

Just drop her a message and be like, "Hey, so I'd just like to know why you're not putting any effort into maintaining this friendship. Whenever I try to talk to you, you treat me like an afterthought and you don't invest anything. I don't have room in my life for people who don't respect me and if this is how it's going to be, I'm going to call time and delete you."

You might not be able to make her like you, but this will at least make her respect you. Because she currently doesn't, at all.

I understand what you are saying and very, very much appreciate you trying to help, but sadly, it IS way more complicated than this. It's an awful situation and it would take ages to explain everything fully and even then I would have trouble conveying the mind-numbing details. Not all of it is internal conflict, there are externalities at play that cause and amplify.

The most important part though, and I acknowledge that that's not healthy, is that I really need that person in my life. I really love her a lot, and I desire to have her love in my life. It's not like I have another good friend I can entrust myself too, not really. And yes, she has shown me a ton of love in the past, it's just been so, so, difficult and terrible lately. And by lately I mean for an entire year, but things have fluctuated A LOT in that year. Don't believe I am an innocent blameless person either. I'm stupid and I make a lot of mistakes.

I can't help feeling hope for a future where I can talk about everything again, talk to her more, where she actually wants those things, where I can feel like she loves me again, because I know exactly what it feels like to share that with her and I know that she has been well-meaning, at least in the past, and struggling as well.
The hope is probably what hurts the most since it's what disappoints me all the time.

I can't give up though. Physically. It just doesn't work, I can't. She really was my lifeline for so long. Well, none of that will matter anymore if I manage to ctb. I sincerely, sincerely hope she will find someone better than me to love, someone who isn't needy or whiny or fucking suicidal, and will remember me as the good times we had together and the things we created together.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I wish I could talk to the mate that left me suddenly... either he died suddenly or he left me on purpose (but I think it's the latter since we met on Reddit and I saw his karma go up ever since we stopped talking). We were so similar and had really great sense of humour. I hope he's alright anyway. (he was something else in this world full of bs)

 

[Snake of Eden]

I wish I could talk to my friend who just suicided few days ago. I wish to know that she is okay now and that she found what she was looking for. RIP

 

[AntHydra]

I wish I could talk to my friend who just suicided few days ago. I wish to know that she is okay now and that she found what she was looking for. RIP

I hope that too. May she rest serenely, and I am sorry for the loss this caused you.

I wish I could talk to the mate that left me suddenly... either he died suddenly or he left me on purpose (but I think it's the latter since we met on Reddit and I saw his karma go up ever since we stopped talking). We were so similar and had really great sense of humour. I hope he's alright anyway. (he was something else in this world full of bs)

Sometimes, someone feels just right for you. It's how I feel about my friend. We connected so seamlessly. It's difficult when that changes, when that breaks, something that felt so right that after it's gone, everything feels wrong. I'm sorry.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

My bf….

 

[Sprite_Geist]

No. Instead I wish that I could not talk to other people. Unfortunately there are environments that I am in right now where this is not an option - i.e.: work. If only it was possible to somehow vanish while still being able to live comfortably.

 

[AntHydra]

My bf….

Oh no, is your situation similar to mine? I am so sorry. I wish you could talk to him too.

No. Instead I wish that I could not talk to other people. Unfortunately there are environments that I am in right now where this is not an option - i.e.: work. If only it was possible to somehow vanish while still being able to live comfortably.

No experience is universal, so I do understand what you mean. Mundane life can be terribly exhausting. Meaningless, stressful interactions interactions. They would be to me too, even though I yearn for meaningful companionship in the midst of that, it makes just as much sense to not want anything at all.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Oh no, is your situation similar to mine? I am so sorry. I wish you could talk to him too.

I don't know if it's similar. It's complicated.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

No experience is universal, so I do understand what you mean. Mundane life can be terribly exhausting. Meaningless, stressful interactions interactions. They would be to me too, even though I yearn for meaningful companionship in the midst of that, it makes just as much sense to not want anything at all.

Thank you for the response, it is very accurate.

You have mentioned meaningless interactions, and this resonates with me. For example: when you see someone (acquaintance) you will both greet each other by saying: "Hello. How are you?", and the other person will respond by saying: "I am fine thank you. How are you doing?". This is the same idle talk that we experience virtually every day, and it can get depressing. I feel as if (generally) people are not interested in your well being, and they only ask this generic question for the sake of it. So you are right. It is meaningless.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, not really. Personally, talking to other people does not make me feel better. I am very introverted and would rather keep things to myself. People are tiring. There is nobody I am particularly close to either. The way I see it people can let you down and disappoint you so I would rather stay away. I used to have a friend years ago but we broke contact and I am glad about that.

 

[NumbItAll]

If there's anyone who's that inaccessible that you can't talk to them when you need to then fuck 'em. But besides that, no, because there's not really that much to talk about anyway.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I understand what you are saying and very, very much appreciate you trying to help, but sadly, it IS way more complicated than this. It's an awful situation and it would take ages to explain everything fully and even then I would have trouble conveying the mind-numbing details. Not all of it is internal conflict, there are externalities at play that cause and amplify.

The most important part though, and I acknowledge that that's not healthy, is that I really need that person in my life. I really love her a lot, and I desire to have her love in my life. It's not like I have another good friend I can entrust myself too, not really. And yes, she has shown me a ton of love in the past, it's just been so, so, difficult and terrible lately. And by lately I mean for an entire year, but things have fluctuated A LOT in that year. Don't believe I am an innocent blameless person either. I'm stupid and I make a lot of mistakes.

I can't help feeling hope for a future where I can talk about everything again, talk to her more, where she actually wants those things, where I can feel like she loves me again, because I know exactly what it feels like to share that with her and I know that she has been well-meaning, at least in the past, and struggling as well.
The hope is probably what hurts the most since it's what disappoints me all the time.

I can't give up though. Physically. It just doesn't work, I can't. She really was my lifeline for so long. Well, none of that will matter anymore if I manage to ctb. I sincerely, sincerely hope she will find someone better than me to love, someone who isn't needy or whiny or fucking suicidal, and will remember me as the good times we had together and the things we created together.

I know how it feels to 'need' somebody but you're right in that it isn't healthy. It's putting all of your eggs in one basket and putting the onus on one person for all of your happiness, which isn't fair. It's a very idealised vision of love but the truth is that healthy love has conditions and boundaries; it isn't endlessly self-sacrificial.

You might want to transition from, "I need you" to "I want you but I don't need you. I just choose you." People distance if they feel overwhelmed.

It sounds as though this is more than a friendship, at least on your side.

If things have been this way for an entire year and she has only gotten further away, I think you need to start to lay this to rest regardless of who did what. If you did something wrong, own it and apologise sincerely for it. It'll either be a starting point or an underline.

Let go of the hope. I'm sorry but surviving on hopium is what's keeping you in this limbo because it isn't actually based on anything that is happening now. We've all done it but happy memories from years ago aren't an accurate picture of where things are anymore.

Giving up on hope doesn't have to be giving up on this friendship entirely. It just means viewing it from a realistic and actionable perspective. It's possible that she feels responsible for whether or not you kill yourself and it's a responsibility that has freaked her out.

I admit I still struggle with these things. If someone leaves me for being 'negative' and then reappears when I appear to have improved myself, I never let them back in. I see it as a betrayal and I see them as people I can't ever rely on. I tend to love hard, hate hard, then become completely indifferent.

 

[AntHydra]

I know how it feels to 'need' somebody but you're right in that it isn't healthy. It's putting all of your eggs in one basket and putting the onus on one person for all of your happiness, which isn't fair. It's a very idealised vision of love but the truth is that healthy love has conditions and boundaries; it isn't endlessly self-sacrificial.

You might want to transition from, "I need you" to "I want you but I don't need you. I just choose you." People distance if they feel overwhelmed.

It sounds as though this is more than a friendship, at least on your side.

If things have been this way for an entire year and she has only gotten further away, I think you need to start to lay this to rest regardless of who did what. If you did something wrong, own it and apologise sincerely for it. It'll either be a starting point or an underline.

Let go of the hope. I'm sorry but surviving on hopium is what's keeping you in this limbo because it isn't actually based on anything that is happening now. We've all done it but happy memories from years ago aren't an accurate picture of where things are anymore.

Giving up on hope doesn't have to be giving up on this friendship entirely. It just means viewing it from a realistic and actionable perspective. It's possible that she feels responsible for whether or not you kill yourself and it's a responsibility that has freaked her out.

I admit I still struggle with these things. If someone leaves me for being 'negative' and then reappears when I appear to have improved myself, I never let them back in. I see it as a betrayal and I see them as people I can't ever rely on. I tend to love hard, hate hard, then become completely indifferent.

Thank you once more, all of this is helpful and I would honestly kind of love to talk more about it with you. No need to do that here, now, or at all though. But thank you. You are very sweet and have a lot of insight that rings very true. I've considered these things you are saying, but. Again, things are a bit more complicated than any of what I've said.
I'm not going to go on another emotional tirade now, it would be incredibly exhausting and unhelpful.
One last time: Thank you for taking the time to respond to me to try and help. That alone means an incredible amount.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Thank you once more, all of this is helpful and I would honestly kind of love to talk more about it with you. No need to do that here, now, or at all though. But thank you. You are very sweet and have a lot of insight that rings very true. I've considered these things you are saying, but. Again, things are a bit more complicated than any of what I've said.
I'm not going to go on another emotional tirade now, it would be incredibly exhausting and unhelpful.
One last time: Thank you for taking the time to respond to me to try and help. That alone means an incredible amount.

Thank you, I appreciate that. :) I understand, I think what I've said is really more of a generalisation.

I wouldn't say you've gone on a tirade, if that's any comfort. :P

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Yeah there is one person but things can't never be like they was. Like you said about your situation, mine is complicated too. It's hard when you feel that connection with someone but then something happens and you two can't be like that anymore. In my situation that even isn't like I don't want or he don't want, just can't.

 

[AntHydra]

Yeah there is one person but things can't never be like they was. Like you said about your situation, mine is complicated too. It's hard when you feel that connection with someone but then something happens and you two can't be like that anymore. In my situation that even isn't like I don't want or he don't want, just can't.

yes, that's the worst kind of situation, everyone wants it to be good but it can't become good for one reason or another. Maybe because the perceptions of "good" are different for the people involved. Maybe it's something even less material that lingers even when you wish nothing more than to let it go and be happy again. I do believe I can empathise with you here. I am sorry that you are going through something like that as well, it truly is painful like nothing else.

 

[Originaldon]

I want you to know I understand exactly what you are feeling almost every word is nail on the head.

I won't go in to details of my situation but from our standpoint the truth and choice is there. From what you have said and it being identical to my experience it comes down to a fact that is impossible for ourselves to get our head round.

They do not care. We want them to care more than anything. They don't and that's something we accept and get over or get stuck on (hands up). You have to either be completely open and honest and up front with the attitude of well could it get any worse, they are already out of our life or you hide from it forever terrified and never knowing.

 

[AntHydra]

I want you to know I understand exactly what you are feeling almost every word is nail on the head.

I won't go in to details of my situation but from our standpoint the truth and choice is there. From what you have said and it being identical to my experience it comes down to a fact that is impossible for ourselves to get our head round.

They do not care. We want them to care more than anything. They don't and that's something we accept and get over or get stuck on (hands up). You have to either be completely open and honest and up front with the attitude of well could it get any worse, they are already out of our life or you hide from it forever terrified and never knowing.

I suppose it is the ever-present cruel hope of "Maybe it will become better if I shut my mouth and just let them do whatevever it is they need to or want to do without asserting myself. Maybe they will return to me on their own simply because I left them to their own devices" for me. I made the brave choice many times and it always went badly. It won't matter anymore soon enough though. I am sorry you have to go through similar pain. For your sake, I hope you will be able to deal with it more constructively than I am able to. Good luck, whatever your path forward may be.

 

[MeltedJello]

I can relate to this. There was this girl that I was in a relationship with, but we never got to bf gf status. We would always text each other a lot and I really really believed she accepted me for who I was, however, what I thought, was a mistake. When I told her a lot about myself and how much self hatred I had, she replied "How could you love others, when you can't even love yourself?" The relationship eventually ended when she told me she wanted a break. I knew she grew tired of me. I thought we would still be at least friends, but we ended up becoming strangers. I was so devastated. It hurt me so much because I knew that she was right; I could never love myself. It was stupid of me to believe she would accept everything about me, and as a result, I ended up hurting myself. She was the only person I trusted, so losing her was like losing everything. To this day, I really wish I could become friends with her again, and that she would understand me now, but I know I can't. I respect that she has her own life, and that she probably doesn't want anything to do with me too. I'm also scared of the possible outcomes if I text her now, and I fear that I'll experience the same amount of pain when she abandoned me.

 

[Originaldon]

I suppose it is the ever-present cruel hope of "Maybe it will become better if I shut my mouth and just let them do whatevever it is they need to or want to do without asserting myself. Maybe they will return to me on their own simply because I left them to their own devices" for me. I made the brave choice many times and it always went badly. It won't matter anymore soon enough though. I am sorry you have to go through similar pain. For your sake, I hope you will be able to deal with it more constructively than I am able to. Good luck, whatever your path forward may be.

Well atleast you tried. I know it dosent make anything better and it's some cliche bullshit. But mentally whether you realise or not the fact you know you tried Will make you tell better than what I did which was just nothing hoping one day they'd message. What we don't realise is that person has forgotten all about us and we don't cross there mind. They've moved on with life and probabaly won't ever happen.

I can't say I'm dealing with it constructively despite realising the reality as it's the reality that I can't deal with and makes me want to kill myself.

 

[xLosthopex]

I want to talk to my ex to know if they forgive me or not. One of my biggest reasons that I want to ctb is the debilitating guilt I feel from how I behaved through that whole relationship because it makes me believe that I'm a bad person who deserves to suffer and die, but they blocked me on everything so I won't ever get an answer. If they forgave me maybe I could forgive myself and wouldn't need to ctb but because I won't get an answer I guess my only choice is to ctb because I can't handle the uncertainty. I've talked extensively to therapists about it and they've all tried to reassure me that due to my mental state at the time I can't put so much blame on myself because I wasn't able to control my behavior for that reason etc., but what difference does their opinion make if my ex or other people were to see me as a bad/evil person anyway ? None

I care so much about being a good person, it's always something I've obsessed over, and I feel like from such an early age I've always experienced chronic guilt due to an inherent belief and fear that I'm a bad person

 

[AntHydra]

I want to talk to my ex to know if they forgive me or not. One of my biggest reasons that I want to ctb is the debilitating guilt I feel from how I behaved through that whole relationship because it makes me believe that I'm a bad person who deserves to suffer and die, but they blocked me on everything so I won't ever get an answer. If they forgave me maybe I could forgive myself and wouldn't need to ctb but because I won't get an answer I guess my only choice is to ctb because I can't handle the uncertainty. I've talked extensively to therapists about it and they've all tried to reassure me that due to my mental state at the time I can't put so much blame on myself because I wasn't able to control my behavior for that reason etc., but what difference does their opinion make if my ex or other people were to see me as a bad/evil person anyway ? None

I care so much about being a good person, it's always something I've obsessed over, and I feel like from such an early age I've always experienced chronic guilt

The guilt is also a major reason for me. I can see all the fuck-ups in my relationships before my inner eye and I know: Had I been better at that time, everything could be nice now. And there are many such times. I've hurt people unnecessarily, hurt myself unnecessarily, and I can't live with having fucked up so many times. My true wish is to mend these things instead, but with how I am and with everything that happened, I know I can't anymore.
I spent a lot of time and effort trying to be a good and kind person after being a terrible kid, and it blew up in my face in the end.
People tell me they can't have a relationship with me unless I get over this guilt, but I know now that I won't ever. I will forever feel it deep in my blood, quite literally. I wish I could open my heart and be soft and gentle again.
I'm sorry you have to live and die with guilt too. Some overcome it, but I genuinely don't know how, except for forgetting or becoming completely numb.
But maybe you can find a way. Maybe you can shed your dependence on forgiveness and move forward into a different direction, maybe you can let his and your wounds heal that way. I wish you the very best in whatever direction you may go.

 

[AntHydra]

I can relate to this. There was this girl that I was in a relationship with, but we never got to bf gf status. We would always text each other a lot and I really really believed she accepted me for who I was, however, what I thought, was a mistake. When I told her a lot about myself and how much self hatred I had, she replied "How could you love others, when you can't even love yourself?" The relationship eventually ended when she told me she wanted a break. I knew she grew tired of me. I thought we would still be at least friends, but we ended up becoming strangers. I was so devastated. It hurt me so much because I knew that she was right; I could never love myself. It was stupid of me to believe she would accept everything about me, and as a result, I ended up hurting myself. She was the only person I trusted, so losing her was like losing everything. To this day, I really wish I could become friends with her again, and that she would understand me now, but I know I can't. I respect that she has her own life, and that she probably doesn't want anything to do with me too. I'm also scared of the possible outcomes if I text her now, and I fear that I'll experience the same amount of pain when she abandoned me.

Dear, I forgot to respond when I meant to. I'm sorry. But since I still have things to say, I'll do it now.

The sentiment "How could you love others when you can't even love yourself?" is... wrong, in a sense. It's also kind of true.
I think people like us know very well that loving someone else comes easier than loving ourselves. That taking care of someone comes easier than taking care of outselves.
Of course it is true that with a fatal flaw of self-deprecation which fuels paranoia and other unhealthy behaviours, it is harder to love someone in a healthy way that will feel good to them, that feels like true love to them. Love isn't just an emotion, it's work. And not doing it and doing it incorrectly are both detrimental to a relationship. This cannot be forgotten.

But love IS healing. Self-improvement that starts for someone else is still self-improvement. And we often need someone's help to really kickstart it.
Not everyone will want to help, of course. Some people want to be spared the work, and I can't be mad at them. It's alright to want someone who is fully formed and secure.

The truth is: We can't love ourselves until we at least know we can be loved.
But love between two people does become its strongest when they can find themselves within and without the relationship.

It's my perspective, anyway.

Anyway, back to you. I'd be equally terrified to text a person like that. I'm sorry you are in this situation. The fear of pain can sometimes be worse than the pain though, because fear comes with its own pains. If I were to advise you from the limited information I have, I would tell you to brace yourself and try your luck, for what do you truly have to lose anymore?
My deepest sympathies and the best of luck with your path into the future.