Unattainable666
Enlightened
- Mar 31, 2023
- 1,346
This may be a bit lengthy and I apologize in advance. My life is nothing short of a fucked up mess. I was raised by a narcissist mother and an absent father. I was constantly told for 7 years how stupid, ugly, fat and worth less I was. She also let me know constantly that I would never find anyone to love me. So my goal in life has been to find someone to love me - to prove her wrong. Yeah, I know I'm a fucking grown ass woman and still hear her voice in my head. I have been mentally, physically and emotionally abused by every man I've come into contact with. After my little girl died I made no effort to even talk to a guy much less anything else. Then recently I met someone who I thought I could connect with. Well, fuck me all over again mom ws right this guy was one of the worst! Found out he was married (after I slept with him 1 time).He treated me like a whore (which I'm not) he was all over me before - calling, texting, etc. Then after he stopped all communication. Now I know if I were normal I would chalk this fucker up to being a man with a big ass belly and no sex drive. But alas I have no self esteem, I am now taking his rejection as me benig you guessed it too fat, too ugly, too stupid. I've been suicidal my entire life. Now I'm older (yes I know I should know better) I have the emotional level of a 6 year old gee thanks Mom. This final straw has pushed me over the edge. I can't stop crying (real helpful at work). Bad timing too Christmas sucks for me without my child. I'm all alone have no family and I know thi smight be hard to believe no friends (who the fuck would want me as their friend?). I'm tired of just thinking of ctb I'm going to do it. I don't want to lvie in a world where I'm constantly being hurt. Pain is a constant companion (emotionally). I hate myself for doing what I did. I feel betrayed, used and kicked to the curb all the things Mom told me wuld happen. Okay I know this may sound like a pity party and maybe it is, but I am so fucked up. I hate him for hurting me this way. I didn't want marriage or a real commitment what I wanted ws for someone to treat me well for one night. I can't even look at myself in the mirror I'm filled with shame and regret. I honestly wish I was dead.