I have a problem and that problem is that I'm not willing to let others know that I'm not okay. I have been lurking on this site for years but because I wasn't honest about myself, my attempts to join were mostly rejected since I was making excuses as to why I wanted to join this site instead of saying how it really was.
This is something that permeates throughout my life too. I have been this way for almost six years now and I never told anyone in real life about it. Nobody knows. Nobody suspects a thing. Not my family, not my friends. I just pretend everything is okay.
And it works. It works because I can hide my true feelings just so well. I have another problem, which sort of ties into my overall situation and I cannot decide if it's a blessing or a curse, but I just smile or laugh uncontrollably. I really can't help it. I have been told by people that I am the happiest person they know. Which probably stems from the fact that I always have a smile on my face whenever I interact with people. If only they knew the truth. I'm trying to smile and laugh less these days, but it's not really working, sadly enough. I just want to be able to control it, so ultimately I can keep this act up. In real life, anyway.
I provide a listening ear to my friends. They have opened up to me about their issues or their depression and all I did was just play dumb so they would never suspect that something is wrong with me. I would be saying things like "I honestly can't imagine just what you're going through, that sounds really tough" but what I was really think was "what I wouldn't give to have your problems instead of mine." I understand everyone is different, and some people can handle things other cannot, I don't mean it in a condescending way. I'm just saying I wish things were different for me.
I've seen a lot of people say that talking about their problems really helped them a lot. So after years of bottling everything up inside, earlier this year, I tried talking to an online friend about it. I didn't get into specifics, but they came to know I wasn't doing well at all. And guess what? I felt just as bad as I did before. I was basically dipping my toes in the water, seeing if what people were saying about opening up was true. It wasn't. At least, it wasn't for me. It could be helpful for others.
To anyone who made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it. I would say it feels to get it off of my chest, but that would be a lie. And I just would like to be honest, especially because I get to be anonymous. Feel free to say whatever it is you would want to say, even if it's not favorable.
On a final note, all of this kind of explains why I chose this username. Like a werewolf, my true self comes out at night but it's not during a full moon, it just has to be night and I have to be by myself. That's all it takes.
This is something that permeates throughout my life too. I have been this way for almost six years now and I never told anyone in real life about it. Nobody knows. Nobody suspects a thing. Not my family, not my friends. I just pretend everything is okay.
And it works. It works because I can hide my true feelings just so well. I have another problem, which sort of ties into my overall situation and I cannot decide if it's a blessing or a curse, but I just smile or laugh uncontrollably. I really can't help it. I have been told by people that I am the happiest person they know. Which probably stems from the fact that I always have a smile on my face whenever I interact with people. If only they knew the truth. I'm trying to smile and laugh less these days, but it's not really working, sadly enough. I just want to be able to control it, so ultimately I can keep this act up. In real life, anyway.
I provide a listening ear to my friends. They have opened up to me about their issues or their depression and all I did was just play dumb so they would never suspect that something is wrong with me. I would be saying things like "I honestly can't imagine just what you're going through, that sounds really tough" but what I was really think was "what I wouldn't give to have your problems instead of mine." I understand everyone is different, and some people can handle things other cannot, I don't mean it in a condescending way. I'm just saying I wish things were different for me.
I've seen a lot of people say that talking about their problems really helped them a lot. So after years of bottling everything up inside, earlier this year, I tried talking to an online friend about it. I didn't get into specifics, but they came to know I wasn't doing well at all. And guess what? I felt just as bad as I did before. I was basically dipping my toes in the water, seeing if what people were saying about opening up was true. It wasn't. At least, it wasn't for me. It could be helpful for others.
To anyone who made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it. I would say it feels to get it off of my chest, but that would be a lie. And I just would like to be honest, especially because I get to be anonymous. Feel free to say whatever it is you would want to say, even if it's not favorable.
On a final note, all of this kind of explains why I chose this username. Like a werewolf, my true self comes out at night but it's not during a full moon, it just has to be night and I have to be by myself. That's all it takes.
