Discussion Is there anybody here who used to appreciate life so much to where they couldn't even fathom being suicidal and/or the mindset of a suicidal person?

[ijustwishtodie]

What the title says really. I've noticed that a lot of people outside of this place enjoy their own lives so much to where they can't understand a suicidal person at all. Even when I was young, I understood suicidal people as work seemed so exhausting and not worth doing to continue living here.

However, has there been anybody here who couldn't understand suicidal people at all? If so, what changed to make you understand suicidal people now?

 

[NoAIarmsNoSurprises]

I understood suicidal people just fine. The difference for me was when I actually met someone who was suicidal. No amount of understanding prepares you for the amount of hurt they're experiencing to have driven them to that point. It's not like dealing with someone whose going through a temporary low in life. You cannot rehash the same trite platitudes that'd keep the average person afloat. At the end of the day, I had to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could've said to talk to them down from it, and it hurts but it's something a lot of people affected by suicide have to live with. What changed was when I started having my own ideations as well.

 

[matt1968]

My adult life has felt a battle of being sucked into a mental health vortex and trying to clamber out.

I had a fairly good childhood, or so I thought, but it did not prepare me for adult life. Once there, I was so vulnerable.

There has been joy of clambering out and the last time, between 2015 and 2022, there seemed some continuity and sense, albeit with an addiction to sex and dating sites that was a desperate coping mechanism.

Everything has fallen apart now and I feel beaten and unable to struggle anymore. It seems unjust that the last effort might be the most difficult one to CTB.

 

[uniqueusername12]

Yes! I've had a lot of amazing times and I have achieved a lot of amazing things.

I've always had suicidal thoughts when things get bad, it's one of the options, but always the final one.

This time though….. Seems like the best option.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Yeah. There was a time I couldn't grasp why someone would end their lives because they were heartbroken. Now, I cant say I approve, but i understand why they did it.

I'm not rich by any measure but I do recall a time when things seemingly fell into place:
Got approved for a car loan, got a better paying job, etc.
It didnt last but the memory's still there.

 

[Dead_Mouse]

When I was younger, I didn't understand suicidal people. But it wasn't because I really enjoyed life or anything. I just didn't understand why anybody would want to die, and I thought that dying from something internal was stupid. Like, dying because of your own thoughts seemed stupid at the time.

Then I got kinda suicidal. I think I don't feel emotions as strongly as other people, and I tend to think more logically than most people. For me, I had to ask the question "Why would a robot ever commit suicide." It doesn't seem possible. However, I think that if a robot was completely certain that the best way to achieve it's goal was to stop existing, it would do that. Maybe my goals are to stop being in pain from self-hatred and to stop making everyone else's lives worse by existing, and CTB would solve those problems.

 

[Kit1]

No

 

[Tobacco]

I was so afraid of death that I couldn't understand. Also I had a good life through sheer luck and had plenty of coping mechanisms like religion. Once I realized that bad things happen to people for no reason I became suicidal myself and understood everything.

 

[LunarPyotr]

Let's just say that back in the days I didn't understand them. Life's great, so amazing, there's always something new to discover. But yeah, later on I could understood them. Understand why some of them were SH, why we currently live in a shitty future and how shitty most of the society is. Like I remember too good when I was in 7 class and someone hang themselves. The director claimed that it was an unfortunate "accident" and that that person was taking some challenge but this wasn't the truth. The saddest thing was that there were a lot of rumors that were as BS as the claim that this thing was a "accident".
The same things were with some "tragic discovery" in Poland. Two people were found in their Opel Astra G Coupe on a supermarket parking lot. Sure they might thought that it was an unfortunate accident of a couple doing a car date but the cops discovered there were suicide notes on their phones in the phone cases and they posted it on their police reports/events page but after this post no newspaper posted anything about this.. cowards.. better feeding people fake news instead of the truth because in the end it's better for them to just keep everything in the statistics instead of delivering true stories.

 

[whotookmylexapro]

I used to be one of those that could never fathom suicide ideation but inevitably it creeps up on you after years of mental illness. I mean honestly when i was a kid i could understand wanting to kill yourself in a very dire situation but i know more of the nuanced reasons why someone would come to that point.

 

[UnwaveringFire]

My younger 14-years-old self is what first came to mind, because I remember it as a period of my life during which I used to call myself "happy" - even if I view that differently now. I was a professing Catholic, primarily because of my family (went to Church, prayed every day, said lots of "thank you" and "please" in my mind, and felt guilty a lot) - but still, against everyone I knew in my small and close-minded social circle, I strongly believed that suicidal people would not deserve to go to hell.
In the same way that I did not believe that members of the LGBTQ+ community would go there, and that women had the right to have abortions. Needless to say, I lost my faith during a long period of suffering from mental health issues, and became agnostic in a couple of years.

Before becoming suicidal myself, I had met people who wanted to end their life and had confided in me. It was a difficult and uncomfortable position to be at first, but I would have given my own life in order to save them - even when it came to perfect strangers.
Maybe as a kid I didn't think about this kind of stuff, while dealing with own mess, but at the same time I had no reason to condemn it either.
Maybe I've always just been an emotional and highly sensitive person.

The only change I can perhaps recognize in me is having switched to pro-choice, when things got heavier for myself.
I have always tried to empathize with people, sometimes feeling their pain as my own even without doing it on purpose or when I couldn't do anything concrete to help them. Over the years, however, the way I have tried to help them has changed a lot; and the most recent of all is the following.

I became extremely familiar with to the subject of suicide and other heavy topics, so that I could carry both my own and others' - without them weighing me down. However, if before I wanted to ctb my primary purpose was still to "save" or help the person not to die, even if indirectly (and even if I was okay with the concept of euthanasia), now I just provide emotional support.
I just feel like I don't have the right to make decisions for others, and I had to learn the hard way that advice, sometimes, can hurt when not requested.

Back to the original question, @ijustwishtodie, was there a time when I "used to appreciate life so much to where I couldn't even fathom being suicidal and/or the mindset of a suicidal person"? Yes. There must have been.
"If so, what changed to make you understand suicidal people now?" Was that an easy switch? No. It's not that at first I couldn't understand suicide at all, then one day I snapped and was suddenly going to kill myself... I believe it still is, and have always been, a deep and very complicated ongoing process, which may even change again - gradually - over time.
At least, this is my experience. Thank you for allowing me to share it with all of you.

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I've actively had plans to commit suicide since I was like 8 or 9. Ever since then I used to hope I could enjoy life, but then a few years ago I came to the conclusion how utterly hated and reviled I am by everyone on earth. It's selfish of me to wish for something better and it's selfish of me to want to live. Now the pain is all I feel for the last two years. I can no longer fathom the idea of acceptance or happiness and I know I don't deserve it. So yes, I guess before I was 8, I couldn't imagine the possibility of being suicidal.