There's not much I want in life but the main thing is knowledge. I enjoy studying hard long hours at university (I do CS and philosophy) but other than that I'm constantly bored, having to cope using substances, barely ever talk to my family, have very few friends, our house was raided by the cops and my dad is probably going to go to jail for weed trafficking. I'm completely asexual so don't desire a partner.
I genuinely have no aspirations except to continue studying at my home university and don't want to get a job. I guess I want my meds so I can feel normal at least they're a huge benefit to me but I was born with Autism, ADHD and depression/anxiety so pretty much the only thing that keeps me going are my ADHD meds - U get pretty wired on them tbh.
Most of the time I'm just bored out of my mind, incapable of even sitting at my desk and doing my work admittedly I have to take more on occasion to have that productivity boost. Days off are boring and insufferable but I try to remind myself that I was given the gift and blessing of having a good psychiatrist, he gives me valium, antidepressants etc. I just rarely get happiness out of life anymore.
I never enjoy holidays at all they're insufferable Fiji, new Caledonia, it's not unusual for me to go an entire holiday with not one interaction between me and a non family member, I guess I desire friends a bit.
I hate going out of the house so much unless it's uni and it takes forever to travel there I just feel like I'm going insane being on the train and bus all day and sometimes not even attending classes.
I know my life doesn't sound like a disaster yet but with these charges on my dad we risk loosing our assets, firearms charges, psylocibin charges, marijuana charges there's barely anything in the fridge anymore. It definitely could be worse but my room is absolute chaos because I never have the energy to clean it and I'm going to feel really bad if my dad goes to prison. I'm so emotional but emotionless at the same time that I'm thinking I might be lucky to get his car if he does go to prison.
And when we were raided it was a full on swat team,they were reading through every page of My uni notes and there were about 12 of them their one lady filming Us, a stubborn looking detective and they just took away all our weed supply and put it into evidence bags. He's being charged over harmless plants! And the worst part is that someone turned him into the cops, a former friend. The guy is a total freek, when I recall seeing him he was awkward in conversations, killed a cat once that went on his property. He's the most Unlikeable militant atheist. (Not saying all atheists are bad). He's been adjourned for 7 weeks then there'll be another and another and I don't even think he has much will to live.
It's just awlful I just desire to not exist sometimes.
