is there any chance for a good life in this system? (rambling about life)

[SketchedOut]

i keep seeing people on here that have it so much worse than me, that it makes me feel like i'm just pretending that my life is bad.

• i go to a normal high school, where i do have some people that hate me because i'm trans but they don't really show it unless they're talking among themselves.
• i live in a home where i feel safe.
  • it wasn't always that way, i only recently moved to my dad after getting fed up with living with my mother who couldn't understand that some of her actions, that i specifically pinpointed, hurt me. i ran away to my gf's place, and only then did i move, but it's great so far. it shows that my dad really does care about me.
  • the house i live in is currently on sale, but i'm only in my last year of high school and after that i'm moving back to my girlfriend, hopefully for college.
  • the town it's in also isn't great, it's in my childhood town where i developed a severe fear of people and going outside in general. it's still scary going home from the train station, but it's not that bad. nothing bad has happened yet.
• i'm not disabled in any major way. i have bpd diagnosed, and i might have autism and/or adhd, but other than that i'm fairly healthy.
• my family is currently struggling with money, especially since my parents have divorced only recently and there's still a lot of (pointless) drama between them, namely my mom is really delusional when it comes to a lot of the stuff, but we still get around fairly easily.
• i have a loving girlfriend who understands me perfectly and who i can always trust. she's one of the main reasons i keep on trying.

but i still feel.. empty... it feels like i'm living for others, and not for myself. it feels like the main reason we exist is to feed the machine that is capitalism, and the only thing we get back is the ability to live to continue feeding the machine. and i feel insulted and used for being born to this planet without my concent, and before i was able to realize how shitty this world is, i already made personal and emotional connections with people. people that i deeply care about, and people that deeply care about me. now i just feel stuck here. i don't want to hurt them by killing myself, but i know that i don't want to go on. it's not that it's outright unbearable or something, but it feels pointless... it feels like it's sucking all my energy out of me and i barely get anything in return.

especially with how fucking horrible capitalism has been getting lately, i fear that i'm not going to be able to find a job. my girlfriend is currently job hunting, and she's been doing so for over a year but to no luck. she only found some shitty job that's so poorly paid that she's still not able to pay off her rent, let alone have enough money for food and other necessities to survive. i'm scared that it's gonna be the same for me.

but these are struggles that everyone else my age is struggling with, and so i just keep asking myself over and over. why am i still suicidal? how are other people who are in the exact same position as i am living life just fine? what is wrong with me? why am i like this?

when i tell others about what's on my mind, their best advice is to just get my mind off of it. but i just fucking can't. i guess when i'm at home and i finally have some free time, i might play minecraft with my gf, or just watch youtube for a bit, but every single time i stop, the thoughts come back in less than an hour. i do not understand people who can just live without having to think about this stuff. i fucking hate my brain for being like this all the time.

i often feel like i'm the only real person in this world, and that everyone else, the people who actually don't feel suicidal under this system are nothing but mere NPCs. i can't explain their lack of thought to myself otherwise. it's like their actions don't have consequences, and they have been programmed to always repeat the same thing over and over again. when i explain my viewpoint to them, they start erroring out and just explain their own viewpoint even more, unable to disprove mine. it feels so weird.

is there anyone else who feels like this?

 

[LonelyKitten]

when i tell others about what's on my mind, their best advice is to just get my mind off of it. but i just fucking can't. i guess when i'm at home and i finally have some free time, i might play minecraft with my gf, or just watch youtube for a bit, but every single time i stop, the thoughts come back in less than an hour. i do not understand people who can just live without having to think about this stuff. i fucking hate my brain for being like this all the time.

i often feel like i'm the only real person in this world, and that everyone else, the people who actually don't feel suicidal under this system are nothing but mere NPCs. i can't explain their lack of thought to myself otherwise. it's like their actions don't have consequences, and they have been programmed to always repeat the same thing over and over again. when i explain my viewpoint to them, they start erroring out and just explain their own viewpoint even more, unable to disprove mine. it feels so weird.

is there anyone else who feels like this?

Yeah. I very much relate to what you're saying.

Especially "once I stop, all the thoughts come back", feeling guilty about having made connections in spite of a low chance of survival, and how incomprehensible the seeming acceptance of how things are in the average person you meet ("NPC"-like as you put it).
This isn't meant to demonize people just living their lives, if anything, I envy and/or admire them for being *able* to do that, but like, it's really hard to wrap my head around a distinct lack of questioning ethically dubious stuff (which the system largely forces us to participate or at least be complicit in) or tbh just not losing your shit every second day about the horrors of this world?
Colorful distractions, or short moments of human connection are nice, but the dread usually returns full force as soon as they end.

Personally, my inclinations to ctb are born chiefly from suffering I encountered as a direct result and response to being a trans woman, but the existential difficulties affecting most people do make me wonder whether I'd even have access to a life worth living if I managed to find reprieve from that.
Especially since those issues specifically loaded me with disadvantages in regular living that have been, and are going to continue to have long-lasting consequences.
Even with sort of a do-over in an environment without the trans issues, it was still damn hard.

It's hard to survive in this world, and even harder to really live.
I think you put it really well, how it can often feel like we only stick around for others, or that everything we do is solely to stay running in order to further feed into the system. This is making me think back to the Matrix... What a great movie.

I can't take this suffering away from you, but I'd like you to know you aren't alone in the way you feel.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

I am in a similar situation to you, where I am supposed to get a job, but just I don't have the will to work the rest of my miserable life, and suffering for so long, I am also trans but I don't date anyone and am feeling like I can't go on without dating anyone and dream about dating only that for so long, and its making me feel so miserable, to be without human touch and hug, and then tossed into working a useless job that I never wanted, just to benefit some stupid rich kid who will have it better than me all of this life.

It sucks it just feels like slavery to me, I don't have a choice in the matter, its either work or death, and I chose death over that, because to me it feels like I have no desire to buy any fancy cars or trash like that. I just don't have the desire for that, what I desire the most is human touch. Money can't buy that, money can only buy me things like food and pay the bills so that I can continue on until the next month when I will have to repeat that process again, and I eventually try to find a way to escape that cycle of misery, and the solution for me is to CTB of course. I won't have to sell my soul every single hour of my day to this machine or slavery where I exist in without meaning.

I never wanted those jobs, I wanted to create art and express myself, but I can't do that either, then what the fuck am I supposed to do anymore?

Everyone who I try to explain my worldview to is an NPC is so true, like nobody really understands me and ignores the point, everything I say without looking at what I said, its almost miserable to see people with such a low level of actual understanding and being so hopelessly optimistic(delusional) about their miserable lives that they wish others also continued their lives. I don't understand what they are saying, and I think I also might have BPD and asked my family to provide me option to see a therapist but they didn't listen and I am lost now, because its painfull to live life like this. So many people have never read a book in their entire lives, and now they are all either on television watching propaganda streams every day, or scrolling tik tok and other social media platforms where they waste away their days, and its impossible for me to even make any sort of contact with them anyways because they are blinded.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm 41 M from Indonesia. I also can relate & feel the same way. I think it's called the existential crisis (or in my case, perhaps even the existential depression). And like you too, my life is still quite privileged enough compared to so many other people, even with all my life's problems, I know that other people have it much worse than me. But that's why I agree with the statement that being suicidal (or even suicide) is subjective/personal matter, it's never truly objective in a sense, because people are different, and there are too many complex factors. Even if let's say a lot of suicide cases can be attributed to 'serious/urgent' problems like chronic illness/pain or diseases, or financial problems (poverty, poor, etc2), yet still, some people still committed suicide even for many different & various reasons, even if it might sounds 'outlier' or strange/weird/anomaly etc2. What happened, happened. That's life. Life is random. Anything could happen, including any 'bad' tragedy, things, events, etc2. To think that suicide/being suicide is just only because of "hard life" or due to certain simplistic reasons is naive, ignorant, & simple-minded. You'll never know what happen among 8 billions humans each in their own life. Humans can choose between life or death, and they can choose to die anytime without anyone can do anything about it once it happened. Again, whatever happened, happened. That's life.