Discussion Is There an Exact Reason You’re in This Situation?

[DeIetedUser4739]

I don't think I'd be looking at kms right now if it weren't for Antipsychotics - the worst drug to have ever existed.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Autism

Antipsychotics are definitely horrible medications and damaged me too. They shouldn't be used for people without psychosis or mania.

 

[akvalentine]

I've also been on antipsychotics and they had really bad effects on me, particularly in terms of memory loss. That's supposedly a rare side effect of them but it's been an issue for every single one I've personally been on. I'm sorry they've also had some sort of bad effects for you.

My biggest reason for being here is that my fiancee betrayed me. It's a long story, but essentially a year into our relationship she cheated on me with one of my exes. I gave her a pass. Worst mistake of my life. We were very codependent to the point that I was doing everything for her, including some of her college work and even her medical care, due to her own mental illness. She isolated me to the point that she was all I had by insisting I be around all of the time. Somehow that was fine by me, I was more than happy to be used. More than happy to be loved.

She forced me into a poly relationship with said ex and then spent more and more time with her instead. We fought all through December. She kept threatening to hurt or even to kill herself if I left her. Then, she left early in January to be with her. She was supposed to be gone for three days and she instead showed up with my ex to our dorm on the first day of classes (she was gone for a full week) without even asking me; she made me empty out her car from the trip, make food for them, and more. She broke up with me after the ex said she wasn't really poly and so either I had to break up with her or her me; she did this by saying "if we break up, who gets the dorm room?" She proceeded to steal my emotional support dog from me, and now I'm here. I've had 3 major attempts since then.

It turns out I have both bipolar and BPD, which lead to some psychotic symptoms (i.e. delusions, hallucinations) alongside some other mental health issues. The bipolar appears to be treatment resistant. I've been on 13 medications for it with no relief. On top of that, my family made me go to a private university so now I have a massive amount of debt and I can't imagine I'd ever be able to pay it off.

I know breakups are a bad reason to die, especially when you're young (I'm only 22), but I genuinely can't enjoy anything anymore. She tainted everything I ever loved. I would say those are the exact reasons I've ended up here.

 

[iloverachel]

Combination of things
Isolation, loneliness
Depression that seems incurable, over 10 anti depressants, other supplements, exercise never worked
Crippling anxiety - can't function, constant stress over tiniest things, overthinking
Intrusive thoughts
losing pets , family members, friends
anhedonia, don't find pleasure or joy in anything. Life becomes painfully boring. Nothing to look forward to
Insomnia sleep issues, tiredness

Death just seems better than dealing with this life for decades

 

[Unknown User]

Yes, My mental illnesses had a trigger. 3 years ago something really bad happened in my life why iam this situation rn.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Yes. I don't feel like elaborating, so let's just say I could have made a very different decision, and I had numerous chances to do so.
I have several other problems, some of which exacerbate it, but it ultimately comes down to that one.
If I had not been so stupid, myopic, and dysfunctional, I would not be in this situation. I would not be this miserable. My life might even be good.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yeah it's because I'm stupid and self sabotaging.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Money problem.

 

[Parnate]

Genetics, its all in the genes
Hyperhidrosis, AVPD, ADHD
No medicine have helped and I tried all that were available in my country.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because of existence, wish I never existed more than anything. Human existence is the most terrible and torturous abomination to me, it'd be better if existence is erased, I despise existing. What's tragic to me is how humans so harmfully procreate even know existence truly is just meaningless suffering.

 

[sussshiroll]

Psychiatry, they probably gonna tell me that it's genetics and runs in the family im often paranoid. Only me in the family lol.
Started meds at the age 13 for PTSD. Paranoid at the age of 26 and im not doing well since then.

 

[silence ends]

Genetics, its all in the genes
Hyperhidrosis, AVPD, ADHD
No medicine have helped and I tried all that were available in my country.

AVPD is hell. Got that diagnosed too.


Autism/adhd/avpd, mentally ill parents -> dropped out ouf life early, no education, not able to do aimple job to earn living -> money problem, loneliness. Thats about it for me

 

[sserafim]

Asperger's aka autism level 1

Autism

Fuck autism

 

[everythingoes]

I think I was doomed from the moment I came into this world.
Born in a toxic, neglectful, abusive family. Sexually abused as a child. Autistic. Bullied in school. Dropped out of university twice due to anxiety and depression. Now working a dead end job. I don't know how to improve my career because my autism, anxiety, and depression make everything ten times harder. I feel so behind in life compared to my peers. Compared even to people younger than me. I don't know how to navigate this world. I'm simply not made for it.

 

[mysadstuff]

yes sadly. other stuff like mental illness definitely set me up to be ruined but the cause is one specific thing. if it hadnt happened i would not be here

 

[4am]

because of being born

 

[BardBarrie]

Been wanting to not be here since my teenage years, I'm in my 30's now.

I have dragged on this long by being a burden on to others.

Never wanted to be here but I've yet to find the strength to CTB due to the fear of trauma.

If the State offered to euthanize me humanely then I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

[divinemistress36]

Genetic depression and brain injury

 

[untothedepths]

Shitty parents + shitty genes + shitty mental + shitty diseases = L's for me.

 

[SilverTiger]

Autism.
Physical abuse from my older brother (plus still having to live with him.)
Negligence from my mother (plus still having to live with her.)
Heavy bullying in my early childhood, and late teens (26 now, so it feels like yesterday)
Uncertainty about the future
Being a fucking BSc, MSc, and a fucking PhD soon in Computer Science and beening unable to find a job.

My whore of a mother had two miscarraiges before me, she shdould have fucking stopped.
I hate this life, but so do all of you so I feel kinship with you all.

 

[Helween]

i don't know if it fit in this post but well.. i dropped early public high school cause i couldn't deal with the constant arguing about money in my foster family it started when i was in middle school. So i started to work as an escort to help.. i'm all about honesty but i couldn't bring myself to tell them were the money truly came from, i felt kinda of ashamed. it lasted until i met my recently now ex partner, i couldn't keep working as an escort while being with her i didn't want to hurt her, so money troubles came back and my foster family started to treat me like an outcast.
Even so i was happy to spend time with her, in addition i was able to reconnect with a close old friend of mine, we grew up together when i was a little kid and the two of them were close "friend", that's when the unexpected happened.. i eventually asked my ex partner out after some times, they said yes, my childhood friend seemed happy for us and i was in heaven. A week after my childhood friend who was her close friend as well commited suicide, i was lost, confused and so much emotion at the same time, i quickly learned that they dated and my childhood friend still loved with my ex.. i was mortified.
Since then i was plagued with insomnia among a whole lot of issues, to this day i still feel awful guilty for my friend's suicide, add to that the relationship that did not work out, i screwed up pretty much everything.
Sorry about this long text.

 

[Meteora]

Yes. There's a reason for everybody. These feelings don't just emerge from nothing.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I guess you can boil it down to the basis of my mental health issues which is that I am (very likely) mildly autistic and (diagnosed) ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder with the BPD arising primarily from a genetic hypersensitivity which includes my senses and my emotions and may be tied to the possibility of autism which will not be diagnosed, evaluated or treated because at my age the cost/benefit analysis is 999/0, and I don't have 999 resources to pay so I won't get further answers.

But yup there it is. I'm a naturally very sensitive person and I have lived amongst these apes whose experience does not match mine and therefore they can't possibly imagine what it would be like to have stronger emotions and senses... The chronic invalidation of an inherently different experience mixed in among selfish ignorant apes. I'm clearly very happy to have learned this about myself and it hasn't resulted in any anger which I'm totally processing in healthy ways and not just by railing against the existence of a species I couldn't possibly change

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

BeCause they birthed me into this evil world and animal body that can suffer so much unbearable pain . And furthermore they locked the door to the prison by making guaranteed suicide methods like assisted suicide, nembutal, suicide kits , suicide booths etc crimes.

Imposition of life = a trap of slavery torture prison with no way out except risky diy suicide methods

Also when I was a young chimpanzee (0-18) they brainwashed me to believe all these garbage subjective things were objectively important or "enjoyable" including living itself. Only recently have I started to see the truth . That nothing matters except avoiding extreme pain or extreme suffering

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm in this situation because I was born into this world that isn't meant for me against my consent

 

[helllcreator]

Financial Worrys, Constant depression over god knows how long, it got better when I was with my now EX but due to other issues me and her were forced to split up when neither of us wanted to which as fucked with my head even more than it already was.
Legal issues
No real friends outside of work
Constant feeling of being a fucking failure
Anxiety
Also I can't just go and get help because it will stop me from working... (doctors will tell DVLA in the UK and I won't be able to drive wagons until I'm cleared again) so realistically if I sought help it would just fuck me up financially and stop me from doing the one thing I actually drag myself out of bed for.

I keep finding reasons to just make it one more weekend but recently that's been a lot harder, and with court coming up in just over and month it's set a deadline. I won't be sent down but I'm done with it all. I wanted to move on with life but I'm not allowed that apparently.

so yea seriously need to get on with emptying my room and getting rid of everything to make shit easier to deal with for family when I'm gone.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

Apathy.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I think it's a combination of things. Started with a lot of grief when I was a teen, bullying, unsafe environment at my father's house, depression developed as well as hearing voices. Was able to get my own place and improve all external factors but at the same time got a lot more isolated as I had to move country for that.

For the past few years my life has been good from the outside (job, money, house, all good) but inside I can't be happy. Even got my boyfriend who is my life but it's not enough, I feel like life damaged me irreparably so it doesn't matter how much my circumstances change or improve, I'm still miserable.

I'm considering doing a head scan, maybe there's some mass in my brain that shouldn't be there, I don't know. I just can't be happy, nothing is enough, I'm so lonely.

 

[voldetort785]

I inherited an ego. My Dad was insecure yet successful, and couldn't comprehend that any child of his would also not be extremely academically successful. I felt I should also do well academically and never did

I am a failure with respect to exams and academia; I'm not stupid but I cannot do well in exams, ever. I either fail and scrape by. I'm not alone in this, I know, but my Dad raised me to be believe that the one thing that I'm horrible at is the only thing that matters in a human being. We also live in a world where, to be successful in anything other than a trade or a normal job, you need to excel in the rat race of exams. I'm also autistic, and people in general just don't like me (as they don't like autistic people). This is an unidentified form of discrimination and I've found my whole life that I just don't do well in interviews because of it. I make eye contact, I'm polite etc but I think neurotypical people always know something is off and they just don't like you. Even the way we write essays, answer questions is different and neurotypicals just 'don't like it' and you end up getting marked down. It's so fucked.

 

[AshersGirl]

Life.

You know when we talk about would you go back, change things, have a do over? I think about the butterfly effect of all the things that happened to me, whether my own choice/mistake, or as a child due to others choices/mistakes, and I wonder who I'd be - how my life would have played out.

But going back means way back to being a toddler, because what set me on the course was abandonment from my biological father and abuse from my stepfather. Brain wired different, BPD, impulsive, heightened emotions, bad decisions, self harm, suicide attempts, unstable relationships that oftimes were abusive, depression, anxiety, CPTSD. Pile trauma on trauma and… where do you go? I never really landed on my feet with anything much resembling safety, stability and happiness, bar once, and he died - like the universe is absolutely mocking me.

I can see the car crash of my entire life. If parents hadn't split and step dad hadn't been in the picture, entirely plausible I wouldn't have ended up so mentally fucked.

Then again there's a genetic component too in a lot of the family. Maybe it is a potent cocktail of genes AND trauma with me.

I don't blame my mother either. She's human. Adults make mistakes too, being a parent doesn't make you infallible. I blamed her when I was younger, then I got more life experience under my belt and I learned my own lessons. She is the kindest most loving mother and I will die before I tell her the truth of the consequences of her choice to be with my step dad. She didn't know, and knowing would kill her. She is the last living human I have left that I love in any way.

But yeah. The butterfly effects started when I was 3 or 4. I can't imagine what it would be like to have grown up "normal" because I don't remember a time when I wasn't mentally fucked. I just got really good at pretending I'm not.