leloyon
I'll see you in the Wired.
- Feb 4, 2023
- 1,095
I'm not posting this as a poll or question since I'm being more specific than just the title question.
I have noticed a lot of people talking about non-existence, falling asleep hoping they don't wake up, getting someone else to kill them etc. throughout my time on this forum. So thus my question is: is suicide SPECIFICALLY appealing to you, or is it just the means to an end?
As in, would you rather have died differently, rather than by your own hand? Would you rather have never existed at all? What would the ideal death be for you?
Basically a discussion on your overall thoughts on death and the preferred means of reaching it.
Personally, I would have not been born if I could help it. Honestly, if I could go back in time, I would have no qualms committing violence against my biological parents if it ensured that I would not be born (disregarding paradoxes, since obviously I wouldn't exist and thus wouldn't be able to go back in time to begin with, yada yada you get what I mean). The fact that they have confirmed that I am an accident doesn't help this. That's not to say that they said it in a bad way, they have simply consistently told me that my brother was intentional and that I was not.
However, now that I am here, suicide specifically is appealing to me. I have been hurt a lot by this world. I have been hurt a lot by other people. This has gotten to the point where now, my life is the only thing that is left to be taken from me. The world and the other people inhabiting it have taken everything from me except my life, at least in the literal sense. Thus, I deny them this. I refuse to let anyone take my life. I refuse to let this world take my life. Only I have that right. No one else has the right to take my life from me after they've taken everything else. This world has no right to take it from me after constantly taking everything else, dragging me down over and over. And if they want me to stick around? If this world that hurts me so badly yet refuses to kill me does so because it wants me to continue living? If these people that keep on hurting me want me to stay alive, if only just to continue hurting me? All the more reason. I'll spit in their face and take their control away from them.
Another reason is that it is an expression of my suffering. If I die from a disease or from a mugger or whatever, all will be forgotten. But with a suicide, my life and the circumstances that lead to my death cannot be ignored. The suffering that caused it is right in your face, even if you try to deny why I did it, there is still the fact that suicide is associated with depression and other mental illness, so they cannot ignore that I was mentally ill and suffering from it to the point that I actively took my own life.
A third reason, very similar to reason one, is control. I will finally have control over my fate. Over my life.
And the fourth is simply because it seems oddly romanticized to me. Some methods just seem very appealing in a way that no other dead is. I think I'm drawn to the more instant, gory deaths, specifically one where someone pulls a trigger of some kind that almost instantly ensures their fate. This could be a literal gun trigger, or jumping off a building for example, where the jump is the trigger and death comes almost immediately. I don't like the idea of, say, taking a substance and then waiting, and waiting, until eventually slowly fading into unconsciousness and then dying like that. It just doesn't feel right. I think a part of this is due to self-hatred, as the methods I prefer seem to be destructive and are likely to disfigure the corpse in some way. I hate my body, so I would honestly prefer to leave it completely unrecognizable to be honest. But I think the idea of just performing one action and then it just being lights out immediately, with at best a few seconds waiting period, is just appealing to me.
Hopefully that should give you an idea of what this thread is about. Anyway, discuss.
I have noticed a lot of people talking about non-existence, falling asleep hoping they don't wake up, getting someone else to kill them etc. throughout my time on this forum. So thus my question is: is suicide SPECIFICALLY appealing to you, or is it just the means to an end?
As in, would you rather have died differently, rather than by your own hand? Would you rather have never existed at all? What would the ideal death be for you?
Basically a discussion on your overall thoughts on death and the preferred means of reaching it.
Personally, I would have not been born if I could help it. Honestly, if I could go back in time, I would have no qualms committing violence against my biological parents if it ensured that I would not be born (disregarding paradoxes, since obviously I wouldn't exist and thus wouldn't be able to go back in time to begin with, yada yada you get what I mean). The fact that they have confirmed that I am an accident doesn't help this. That's not to say that they said it in a bad way, they have simply consistently told me that my brother was intentional and that I was not.
However, now that I am here, suicide specifically is appealing to me. I have been hurt a lot by this world. I have been hurt a lot by other people. This has gotten to the point where now, my life is the only thing that is left to be taken from me. The world and the other people inhabiting it have taken everything from me except my life, at least in the literal sense. Thus, I deny them this. I refuse to let anyone take my life. I refuse to let this world take my life. Only I have that right. No one else has the right to take my life from me after they've taken everything else. This world has no right to take it from me after constantly taking everything else, dragging me down over and over. And if they want me to stick around? If this world that hurts me so badly yet refuses to kill me does so because it wants me to continue living? If these people that keep on hurting me want me to stay alive, if only just to continue hurting me? All the more reason. I'll spit in their face and take their control away from them.
Another reason is that it is an expression of my suffering. If I die from a disease or from a mugger or whatever, all will be forgotten. But with a suicide, my life and the circumstances that lead to my death cannot be ignored. The suffering that caused it is right in your face, even if you try to deny why I did it, there is still the fact that suicide is associated with depression and other mental illness, so they cannot ignore that I was mentally ill and suffering from it to the point that I actively took my own life.
A third reason, very similar to reason one, is control. I will finally have control over my fate. Over my life.
And the fourth is simply because it seems oddly romanticized to me. Some methods just seem very appealing in a way that no other dead is. I think I'm drawn to the more instant, gory deaths, specifically one where someone pulls a trigger of some kind that almost instantly ensures their fate. This could be a literal gun trigger, or jumping off a building for example, where the jump is the trigger and death comes almost immediately. I don't like the idea of, say, taking a substance and then waiting, and waiting, until eventually slowly fading into unconsciousness and then dying like that. It just doesn't feel right. I think a part of this is due to self-hatred, as the methods I prefer seem to be destructive and are likely to disfigure the corpse in some way. I hate my body, so I would honestly prefer to leave it completely unrecognizable to be honest. But I think the idea of just performing one action and then it just being lights out immediately, with at best a few seconds waiting period, is just appealing to me.
Hopefully that should give you an idea of what this thread is about. Anyway, discuss.