Is recovery possible?

[suicidalextremist]

I don't know if I should move this to recovery discussion, please give me your thoughts.


I tagged this as "Venting" despite wanting to tag it as "Help" as I feel like this is more of a vent. I just don't feel like I could properly explain my situation without it turning into a vent. It doesn't go into every single detail of my mental illnesses or my whole life story, though.

Every time I try, it just seems so hard, like I'm grasping at straws. I don't have the money to live on my own as I'm unable to work properly due to a physical syndrome that has affected my ability to walk and stand. So, I live with my parents. And their emotional abuse is just.... Not helping my progress at all.

I've tried counseling, and I've never been able to go to true therapy. My mom refuses to help me get a therapist, and my counseling sessions never go anywhere.

I'd try more and harder, but I don't have the money to do so. I am reliant on my parents, it sucks and it's embarrassing.

I feel like I really do need therapy, I've bottled so much up and refuse to tell my counselor a lot of things. I just get so scared, so locked up, and I don't know why. It was hard enough coming out to her, it's even harder to tell her the truth about a lot of my symptoms and feelings. I'm also scared though, that I'll be a danger to myself and others as I've had a history of SH and CTB attempts, as well as lashing out violently.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation of not being able to get the help they need but still wanting to recover? Is it even possible in this kind of situation? The thoughts and urges get worse every day, and I have nothing to help with it. No medication for any of my mental illnesses despite how strongly they're affecting me.

I feel awful for leeching off of my parents, but I really can't do much. I feel so pathetic. No wonder my mom doesn't want to put me in therapy. I've managed to convince her to pay for a few counseling sessions (with the promise I'd try and work in some way to pay her back.) and I just have to be completely, fully honest with my counselor and I'm so scared to. I seriously need advice.

 

[stoopid]

Is it possible ? = yes
Is it hard ? = depends

 

[suicidalextremist]

Is it possible ? = yes
Is it hard ? = depends

I know recovery is technically possible. My post is asking for advice, not cookie-cutter answers. I described the basics of my situation, and how it's hard to acquire the proper services needed.

I apologize for my harsh tone, I talk very directly and don't beat around the bush.

 

[azalea087]

I'm so sorry for your situation but to be honest I have no idea, it is definitely possible for you to find help or someone to talk to (on this forum or somewhere else).
Apart from that I don't know because I'm in a similar situation as you, but I hope you find the help you seek and recover peacefully.
we believe in you!

 

[stoopid]

I know recovery is technically possible. My post is asking for advice, not cookie-cutter answers. I described the basics of my situation, and how it's hard to acquire the proper services needed.

I apologize for my harsh tone, I talk very directly and don't beat around the bush.

Don't worry, I'm not chatgpt.
Sometimes cookie cutter answers are the answers, because it all depends, as I said, if you need coping methods or not.

That's the problem, we can understand how you feel, but we can't see how you process your data/emotions, that's so individual for each one, mental health (issues) is a spectrum of different factors not a one sided right or wrong.

In the end, the outcome is the same, if you depend on family because you need therapy and so on, that alone takes a toll on them, without having a guarantee that you are long term mentally stable, they would invest capacity and if something bad happens, for example a accident where someone is hurt or dies, this would cause (I would guess from the data) a mental breakdown, and if you commit suicide then, it would take an immense toll on the others, with a slight chance that they get suicidal by themselves.

It's a cycle you can't escape, the suffering will be there, if you make it short, the chances are higher that they get over it, while their living circumstances are "okay" enough to keep them busy.

 

[suicidalextremist]

In the end, the outcome is the same, if you depend on family because you need therapy and so on, that alone takes a toll on them, without having a guarantee that you are long term mentally stable, they would invest capacity and if something bad happens, for example a accident where someone is hurt or dies, this would cause (I would guess from the data) a mental breakdown, and if you commit suicide then, it would take an immense toll on the others, with a slight chance that they get suicidal by themselves.

It's a cycle you can't escape, the suffering will be there, if you make it short, the chances are higher that they get over it, while their living circumstances are "okay" enough to keep them busy.

As of my current state, I am unable to respond with as much clearness and knowledge as I'd like to, but I'll try my best to respond and express how am I feeling about this reply.

I am quite aware of the "cycle of pain" as some call it. I am quite aware of how much of a burden I am to my parents. I'm not forcing them to help me, they're insisting I stay with them and talk to them about anything I need, including counseling. Despite their "readiness to help" they aren't very, ah, good at it.

Never mind that, I'm not replying to vent more lest I digress. What I'm trying to say is my parents are insistent on keeping me in their house until I'm stable enough to live on my own, and I'm trying to get help so that I don't further burden them with my presence. Hence why I asked here detailing the basis of my situation and asking for advice on any steps I can take toward that goal.

I am aware of how unstable I am especially during vulnerable times such as following major personal incidents, like you described that I'd probably CTB over.

I simply want advice towards recovery. Not replies detailing how dreadful my current situation truly is because of the fact I am solely dependent on others for things I cannot control.

Like you said, recovery is possible. It is also hard. I feel it's best to not navigate it blindly and instead ask for help and advice when possible.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, suicidalextremist. I'd like to start off by acknowledging that your situation sounds legitimately terrible. It's hard enough for people to access adequate mental health care when they have the means at their disposal. Being dependant upon others for your well being, and unable to even pursue that sort of help on your own? That has to be both painful and humiliating. I'm very sorry that you're in this position.

Let's start with the core question first. Is recovery possible? Yes. It's a complicated endeavor, to be sure, even under normal circumstances, and yours are less than ideal. But yes, it's possible. Recovery is not a chemical formula, something that requires precise steps and doing things right. If anything, it's more like cooking. Want to make a cake but don't have any eggs at your disposal? Welp, time to get creative. Due to your circumstances, there are certain resources that you don't have access to, but if you really do want to recover (and I'm assuming you do, from your post), you can try to supplement them where you can. This place is actually a really good start; the user base here is extremely empathetic, and in my experience so far will almost always be willing to hear out whatever you're struggling with and offer their compassion, as well as any practical advice they can muster. It isn't therapy, true, but it helps. Having someone you can talk to, who helps you to feel validated and that you're not alone in this, it really does help.

Next, let's talk about the one real resource you do have: your counselor. I'm very well aware that mental health professionals have something of a stigma attached to them in this community, and not without reason. Many people have shared stories of what happened when they said too much to someone who was supposedly there to help them get better, and had their rights and freedoms taken away for their own protection. However, while I can't quote the exact pages I read this on, multiple users have also said that it's usually an extreme resort, in response to a sincere belief that grievous self harm was immediately imminent. The general consensus I've seen thus far (and I trust other users will gladly step in to say so if I'm wrong) is that counselors worth their salt generally won't go to those lengths if they believe that you are sincerely trying to recover and reach out for help.

Now, you've already opened up to your counselor to a certain extent. I don't believe you'd do that if you didn't think you could trust her at all, or if she didn't occasionally say the right thing or make you feel heard and validated. So instead of trying to work up the nerve to open up about everything on your own, why not try just being honest with her about your fears? As an example: "I'm not being fully honest. There are things I am not telling you. I'm scared. I want to feel like I can open up, and I don't know how." You could even write that down on a slip of paper and bring it with you if you need to. If she's worth anything at all, she won't force you to spill everything before you're ready, but it'll spark a conversation about how you can get there. The people who really care know exactly how hard it is to talk about certain things, and it'll st least clue her in to the fact that this is somewhere she needs to work on getting to.

Lastly, I'm going to ask you to try not to feel pathetic, or to blame yourself for being forced to depend upon your family for basic needs. I know it's hard; our feelings are rarely something that we can actually control. They do what they want, and we often have to rationalize them after the fact. But try to remember that this is something that is happening to you, not something you've done. You are not responsible for your circumstances, nor are you responsible for your disabilities. You don't blame someone for drowning, and you especially don't blame them for it if they never wanted to be in deep water in the first place. This isn't your fault, and it doesn't make you any less of a person that you're stuck here right now. If anything, it proves the opposite: that there's a commendable resiliency in the fact that despite your present circumstances you're still trying to hold onto hope. Don't let that go. There may come a time to release that, and if it comes, there are people here who can walk that path with you. But as long as you have the will to try and hold on, then keep on trying.

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

If youre looking for other avenues of help or advice on recovery, you should definitely post this in the recovery section. Take some time and read through the pinned messages as well as the comments.

 

[suicidalextremist]

Seven Threads Twine.

Honestly, this whole reply made me tear up a little bit I can't even quote just one specific thing.

It's so incredibly humiliating that I am unable to work properly due to my condition, the severe pain leaves me bedridden at times if I forget to take my medication. Every day it's a gamble to see if I'll need my cane or my wheelchair to simply move around.

(Should mention; not everyone with my condition experiences the same thing. I experienced a very bad accident that gave me a bad knee and hip, the pain that leaves me bedridden is mostly from there as my syndrome affects connective tissue, so healed tissue tends to hurt a lot. It is also this accident that required me to have my cane and wheelchair. If I did not have this syndrome, I doubt I'd need either of my mobility aids.)

I majored in criminology, and while I could still work in fields dedicated to that type of work (I'm sorry, I'm really tired and depressed I can't remember the words) while disabled, I'm just nowhere near the right mental space to be able to properly handle cases. With how bad my problems have gotten, it's hard to even function properly as an adult and maintain a job. Hence moving back in with my parents and leeching off of them.

It is so incredibly humiliating and stressful to have to live with my parents, with barely any money to my name. Living with the same people who constantly deadname me, invalidate my gender identity and sexuality. People that think I shouldn't even exist practically.

The fact that they're my last hope, the people I so desperately tried to get away from. It's just crushing.

I'd move in with a friend or something, but I don't have any. My girlfriend would take me in, but she's struggling as is and I don't want to put that extra weight on her.

This is honestly sort of a side tangent, but I feel it's relevant.
So many times I've been told to "stop being lazy" and just "get treatment" for my physical syndrome as if it's something that can just, have a surgery done and boom fixed. It's not like my spine is bent funny, or my legs formed weirdly, I have a genetic syndrome with no cure and the only treatment is "physical therapy and medication".
It honestly made me cry a few times when I tried to ask for help online, hell even sometimes in person with doctors because at the times my syndrome was barely even known about. To be told I was just having growing pains, that I was lazy, pathetic, and a burden on my family was just too much. Which all probably added to my mental problems.

I'm going to try and talk with my counselor about the things I've truly been experiencing and all of my problems fully. I really do want to get better, I've just lived so long with these problems that it truly feels like I've never been able to get better. (Seriously, it's shockingly long how long I've been diagnosed. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and cptsd at 9 after my first sh and ctb attempt. I'm an adult now,--granted, a young one--but that is just, a shockingly large amount of time to be suffering with something and feel like it's not getting better.)

The whole stigma around mental health professionals I feel is somewhat reasonable, I mean one of my biggest fears as a kid and teen was that I'd say too much and be thrown in a psychiatric ward as my brother had been 5 times. We have the same issues, bpd, depression, severe anxiety, same syndrome, etc. But we handle it in very different ways, he is,, explosive. I'm more implosive. My explosions are typically limited to only people online, or inside my head. And implosions, are.... less noticeable to people around you once you've dealt with them for long enough.


I don't really know what else to say, honestly. I'm super tired and hungry and sad, just everything all at once tbh. Your reply helped a lot honestly, I wasn't expecting much traction on a single post alone in a sea of others like me. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to write that reply on my post.

 

[Seven Threads]

When I get another chunk of free time, I'm going to write a response to this. But for right now, I...

I need to give you a hug.

...and I don't know how.

Can someone please tell me how to emote so I may give a hug to this person?

 

[suprswag]

When I get another chunk of free time, I'm going to write a response to this. But for right now, I...

I need to give you a hug.

...and I don't know how.

Can someone please tell me how to emote so I may give a hug to this person?

I'm on mobile, I just hold the like button for a second.
If you're on computer, I think you hover your mouse over the like button? I'm not sure though.


I do think recovery is possible, though it takes times. It also doesn't specifically need "professional" help, you can even recover, or become better on your own, if you have the right coping skills.

I happen to have a therapist, soon getting a psychiatrist. I have also done acupunctur.
Having a therapist for the past few years has definitely helped me, if it weren't for her I'd definitely be gone by now.

I'm sorry if this isn't the response you wanted, I'm in a rush and I couldn't read your entire post, I just wanted to answer the title for you.
Love and support for you.

 

[Veronica Sawyer]

I feel like I really do need therapy, I've bottled so much up and refuse to tell my counselor a lot of things. I just get so scared, so locked up, and I don't know why. It was hard enough coming out to her, it's even harder to tell her the truth about a lot of my symptoms and feelings. I'm also scared though, that I'll be a danger to myself and others as I've had a history of SH and CTB attempts, as well as lashing out violently.

I can empathize with this a lot. My therapy attempts over the past few months have not been going well for this reason, just locking up and refusing to say anything, and then verbally lashing out at the therapist. Lately I had the idea to try writing an explanation of how I have a hard time talking during therapy and handing it to them, along with stuff I've been thinking about during the week, about my mental health struggles.

I haven't done it yet since I haven't had an appointment yet, but I at least found it easier to write stuff out, and hopefully some professionals will be accepting of an alternative way of communicating with them. Maybe it would be helpful for you as well.

 

[wrenwolfe]

recovery is absolutely possible. although hard, and seeming to be impossible, i've gotten out of the worst part of my life, and am actually content with myself. back in high school, i was in a really horrible relationship. even before the relationship, i was depressed, all it did was make me even more suicidal. i cried myself to sleep every night and planned my cbt attempts, thinking of how to leave my mother without making it seem like it was her fault.

although therapy didn't work for me, i got on a depression medication that helps me regulate these feelings, and i got out of the relationship (although it gave me insane trauma, but i'm working through it). im not saying that medication will work for you, but you have to find what works for you the best, and use that to your advantage. i wish you luck, and i do promise it gets better. i've experienced it myself. stay safe <3